i've never before been given, by the Lord, the words & melodies to a song so quickly or so easily, but two nights ago the Lord blessed me with this piece of music & it completely pumped me up & rocked my world. i've never been one to share what i write - or, rather, what He writes through me - but this time i feel led to. the words are precious to my heart...i do see the Lord in the small things - in everything...and that's what this song is all about. i hope it's as much a blessing to someone else as it has been to me. use it. share it. most of all - i pray that you worship.
In Everything - romans 11:36
december 23, 2008
Capo 5 (Piano in key of D...i think)
Vs. 1
G D
I see You in the morning sky
Em D C
And I see You in the night
G D
I hear You in the voice of babes
Em D C
And in the widow’s cry
Chorus
G D
Hosanna You’re always there
Em D C
Hallelujah to my King
G D
Sweet Yahweh You’re my one true love
Em D C
I see You in everything
Em D C
I see You in everything
Vs. 2
G D
I feel You in the melodies
Em D C
And I know You’re oh so near
G D
I feel You smiling down on me
Em D C
And Your face I see so clear (repeat line)
Chorus (X2)
Bridge
C
As I stand on Your shore
D
And gaze into Your waves
G
Feel Your sands underneath
C
I’m swept up in Your grace
Em D
I get a glimpse into heaven
C D
As You whisper my name
C D
At the water I meet You
C D
I call out and say
Chorus (X2)
**Oh, & Merry Christmas...remember why we celebrate!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
so quickly Stale...
[warning: this is yet another post stemming from an everyday moment that i took a spiritual lesson from...]
last night i finally started the ever-dreaded Christmas shopping. yes, i'm well aware that Christmas is in 4 days, but refer to my last post and you will gain a glimpse into why i've waited so long to start shopping. anyway, while i was on the run frantically trying to make it from store to store before they closed i grabbed yet another quick, fast-food dinner - which i've grown to hate...no, absolutely loathe! if you know anything about me, you know my love for green beans. let's just say my taste buds are experiencing an extreme case of G.B.D. (green bean deprivation). on with the story...so i scarfed down half my "meal" and headed in a store...the food was too hot to eat anyway. forty minutes or so later when i returned to the car, i was ready to finish eating and when i took my first bite i was absolutely disgusted. it was cold, hard, and tasteless. i found myself thinking - i didn't know it was possible for something once so good to turn SO bad SO quickly!! and then it hit me that the Lord probably thinks that about my walk with Him...and thinks it often.
my walk with the Lord tends to teeter between ON FIRE one moment and ABSOLUTELY DRY & THIRSTY the next. it takes only a day or two of my neglecting time with the Lord before i realize i've so quickly grown stale...again. consistency is hard, but necessary. i cannot do it alone. it is only by His grace & mercy that my relationship with Him exists and continual growth is possible.
Lord, pour your favor out on me and quench the thirst in my soul that only you can satisfy. forgive me for neglecting You time and time again. bring me to my knees in humility everyday and once i'm facedown on the floor, be the strength i need to lift my head & lock eyes with only You. renew a desire within me for time with You when the flame You've ignited flickers because of my selfishness. fuel the fire that burns within me and draw others to the flames.
last night i finally started the ever-dreaded Christmas shopping. yes, i'm well aware that Christmas is in 4 days, but refer to my last post and you will gain a glimpse into why i've waited so long to start shopping. anyway, while i was on the run frantically trying to make it from store to store before they closed i grabbed yet another quick, fast-food dinner - which i've grown to hate...no, absolutely loathe! if you know anything about me, you know my love for green beans. let's just say my taste buds are experiencing an extreme case of G.B.D. (green bean deprivation). on with the story...so i scarfed down half my "meal" and headed in a store...the food was too hot to eat anyway. forty minutes or so later when i returned to the car, i was ready to finish eating and when i took my first bite i was absolutely disgusted. it was cold, hard, and tasteless. i found myself thinking - i didn't know it was possible for something once so good to turn SO bad SO quickly!! and then it hit me that the Lord probably thinks that about my walk with Him...and thinks it often.
my walk with the Lord tends to teeter between ON FIRE one moment and ABSOLUTELY DRY & THIRSTY the next. it takes only a day or two of my neglecting time with the Lord before i realize i've so quickly grown stale...again. consistency is hard, but necessary. i cannot do it alone. it is only by His grace & mercy that my relationship with Him exists and continual growth is possible.
Lord, pour your favor out on me and quench the thirst in my soul that only you can satisfy. forgive me for neglecting You time and time again. bring me to my knees in humility everyday and once i'm facedown on the floor, be the strength i need to lift my head & lock eyes with only You. renew a desire within me for time with You when the flame You've ignited flickers because of my selfishness. fuel the fire that burns within me and draw others to the flames.
Sunday, December 07, 2008
i have issues with holidaymas.
i've debated for over a week about whether or not to post what's been on my mind, but i really feel led to. i pray that it doesn't offend anyone but that it speaks to your hearts & makes you take a step back from the holiday chaos and really consider what it is you're doing all this for.
i've always said i have issues with Christmas, but really - i don't have issues with Christmas...i have issues with what Christmas has turned into: holidaymas. or rather, holiday-MESS. it's not about Christ. christians got all upset last year when the cashiers at wal-mart started saying "happy holidays" rather than merry Christmas but we're not showing them that december 25th should be about Christ anyway so what should we expect. stop getting mad at others for taking Christ out of Christmas - they learned it from you. they learned it from us.
i've never understood Christmas presents. don't get me wrong, i LOVE santa & all the memories i have growing up of 4am Christmas mornings. Christmas eve rolled around and my sister always built me a tent to sleep in. i'd wake up 2 hours later and RUN to my sisters' room & jump on one of their beds...always the oldest one's...she was more of a morning person. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. it happened about 4 times before i eventually made progress. rather than telling me to go back to sleep the response then turned into "go wake up mom & dad and then we'll get up." so i'd RUN to mom & dad's room and tell them (of course) that christie & sandie were up and wanted me to come get them up. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. again, i'd repeat that process about 3 more times until more progress was made. eventually someone got up. then we had to wait on sandie to brush her teeth and dad to grab the camera...and mom would strategically place us in the right position so dad could take the perfect picture when we finally saw what santa surprised us with. good times.
like i said, i love santa. i love those memories. but i think somewhere between 16 & 22 the Lord stirred something within me that won't go away. my family started a tradition many years ago of not giving gifts. we take a trip...usually skiing. we just spend time together. make memories...don't waste money on useless things.
i was talking with a friend the other day. Christmas is so messed up. we spend all this time & effort making lists of things we want and giving them to people so they can buy them and then we are supposed to act surprised. starting on thanksgiving day people go CRAZY shopping. we spend HUNDREDS of dollars (if not MUCH MORE) on STUFF. why??
we give one another gifts one day a year all because Jesus died on a cross & rose from the dead? something is seriously messed up.
Christmas trees should remind us of the wood the Lord was nailed to...
Christmas trees should remind us of the wood His blood poured out onto...
Christmas trees should remind us of new life & growth that comes only through His death & resurrection...
Christmas trees should remind us that when He is a part of our lives, when we invite Him into our hearts - our homes - His fragrance overtakes & overwhelms us (just like the smell of a freshly cut tree fills our home for a time)...
Christmas trees should NOT remind us of the presents undernearth.
sometimes i think the Lord's heart breaks more on Christmas day than any other day of the year.
i feel like i need a disclaimer here...i write out of a broken heart, but i write knowing that i'm just as much at fault for this as anyone else. this year our family is doing the gift thing. while i'm not really happy about it, i asked for things i shouldn't have. things that cost my family something. things that require sacrifice in order for me to have. shame on us. shame on me.
i didn't even have to ask Him for His sacrifice - a sacrifice that cost Him his life. & the one day set aside to remember that sacrifice...we ask for more.
just something to chew on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU
i've always said i have issues with Christmas, but really - i don't have issues with Christmas...i have issues with what Christmas has turned into: holidaymas. or rather, holiday-MESS. it's not about Christ. christians got all upset last year when the cashiers at wal-mart started saying "happy holidays" rather than merry Christmas but we're not showing them that december 25th should be about Christ anyway so what should we expect. stop getting mad at others for taking Christ out of Christmas - they learned it from you. they learned it from us.
i've never understood Christmas presents. don't get me wrong, i LOVE santa & all the memories i have growing up of 4am Christmas mornings. Christmas eve rolled around and my sister always built me a tent to sleep in. i'd wake up 2 hours later and RUN to my sisters' room & jump on one of their beds...always the oldest one's...she was more of a morning person. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. it happened about 4 times before i eventually made progress. rather than telling me to go back to sleep the response then turned into "go wake up mom & dad and then we'll get up." so i'd RUN to mom & dad's room and tell them (of course) that christie & sandie were up and wanted me to come get them up. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. again, i'd repeat that process about 3 more times until more progress was made. eventually someone got up. then we had to wait on sandie to brush her teeth and dad to grab the camera...and mom would strategically place us in the right position so dad could take the perfect picture when we finally saw what santa surprised us with. good times.
like i said, i love santa. i love those memories. but i think somewhere between 16 & 22 the Lord stirred something within me that won't go away. my family started a tradition many years ago of not giving gifts. we take a trip...usually skiing. we just spend time together. make memories...don't waste money on useless things.
i was talking with a friend the other day. Christmas is so messed up. we spend all this time & effort making lists of things we want and giving them to people so they can buy them and then we are supposed to act surprised. starting on thanksgiving day people go CRAZY shopping. we spend HUNDREDS of dollars (if not MUCH MORE) on STUFF. why??
we give one another gifts one day a year all because Jesus died on a cross & rose from the dead? something is seriously messed up.
Christmas trees should remind us of the wood the Lord was nailed to...
Christmas trees should remind us of the wood His blood poured out onto...
Christmas trees should remind us of new life & growth that comes only through His death & resurrection...
Christmas trees should remind us that when He is a part of our lives, when we invite Him into our hearts - our homes - His fragrance overtakes & overwhelms us (just like the smell of a freshly cut tree fills our home for a time)...
Christmas trees should NOT remind us of the presents undernearth.
sometimes i think the Lord's heart breaks more on Christmas day than any other day of the year.
i feel like i need a disclaimer here...i write out of a broken heart, but i write knowing that i'm just as much at fault for this as anyone else. this year our family is doing the gift thing. while i'm not really happy about it, i asked for things i shouldn't have. things that cost my family something. things that require sacrifice in order for me to have. shame on us. shame on me.
i didn't even have to ask Him for His sacrifice - a sacrifice that cost Him his life. & the one day set aside to remember that sacrifice...we ask for more.
just something to chew on.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU
Saturday, November 29, 2008
drastic measures: a call to beautiful brokenness.
so i've started three blogs over the last 2-3 weeks, but haven't actually finished or posted any of them. they've all been on my mind, but this one i really want to put out there. a dear friend shared a song with me recently that has quickly become one of my favorites. we had a conversation about how some people hear this song and just don't get it. ever since then i've thought about it - really listened to the words, taken them in, and chewed hard on them. to me, it speaks volumes! in its words is such a raw, powerful message. i heard someone recently say that isaiah, in the presence of the Lord, was completely ruined. someone else said that every believer needs to be broken...utterly and completely broken at some point in their life. i couldn't agree more with both. the Lord definitely had to bring me to a breaking point in order for me to genuinely come to know Him. sometimes He has to take drastic measures. & that's what this song speaks to...so here are the lyrics in grey & how the Lord has spoken to my heart about them in blue.
"rend" - jimmy needham
You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away
My child,
so you messed up. you messed up royally. you turned your back on Me. you allowed things into your life that you never thought you would. you allowed satan to overcome and overwhelm...for a time. those things will always be a part of your life - your history. you hide them. you try and cover them...but you need to let go. you need to let me rip away the things in your life that are keeping you separated from the Love i want to lavish upon you. you cannot hide any longer. stop hiding. stop running.
Yet even now,
return to me
with nothing less Than your wounded, broken heart
i do not care what you have done - where you have allowed yourself to go. return to me. all you need to do is return. i didn't leave your side - you left Mine. seeing your broken heart breaks Mine. so come back to me. bring all the broken pieces back and i will put them back together. i'm the only One who can put them back together. lift them up to Me, My child.
and cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars
and rend Rend, rend, rend
let go of everything and everyone that's not Me that's holding you back from My Love, My grace, My forgiveness. run to Me. cling to Me. i will hold you. My arms are outstretched - you just have to grab hold of them. come back to Me, my child. come back. i've broken and emptied you out...i need you to return to me with nothing. rend your heart, Child. drastic times call for drastic measures. you have strayed so far away...run back, Child. run back. i'll meet you halfway. and when we meet, rend to me everything. rend to me your heart. if you can't bring yourself to do it, just allow Me to do it for you. but you have to let Me.
[rend: –verb
1. to separate into parts with force or violence
2.to tear apart, split, or divide
3. to pull or tear violently
4. to tear (one's garments or hair) in grief, rage, etc.
5. to disturb (the air) sharply with loud noise.
6. to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings
7. to become torn or split]
DESTROY those things that are not of Me, from Me, for Me. it will hurt, it will be painful...but i love you and i need you to trust that i know best. let me ruin you for My glory. do not be afraid to tell Me how you feel. if it angers you, tell me. if it saddens you, cry out to Me. i can take it. i want to take it...away. just do not turn your back on Me again, My child. i need you broken and emptied of EVERYTHING so that i can fill you with Me again - only Me. i am a jealous God who loves you more than you can ever imagine. i just want to be your Everything. just let Me. let me break you in order than everything else can be poured out and i can enter the places in Your life you have pushed me out of.
Rend your hearts
I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know
your own heart breaks
rend
"rend" - jimmy needham
You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away
My child,
so you messed up. you messed up royally. you turned your back on Me. you allowed things into your life that you never thought you would. you allowed satan to overcome and overwhelm...for a time. those things will always be a part of your life - your history. you hide them. you try and cover them...but you need to let go. you need to let me rip away the things in your life that are keeping you separated from the Love i want to lavish upon you. you cannot hide any longer. stop hiding. stop running.
Yet even now,
return to me
with nothing less Than your wounded, broken heart
i do not care what you have done - where you have allowed yourself to go. return to me. all you need to do is return. i didn't leave your side - you left Mine. seeing your broken heart breaks Mine. so come back to me. bring all the broken pieces back and i will put them back together. i'm the only One who can put them back together. lift them up to Me, My child.
and cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars
and rend Rend, rend, rend
let go of everything and everyone that's not Me that's holding you back from My Love, My grace, My forgiveness. run to Me. cling to Me. i will hold you. My arms are outstretched - you just have to grab hold of them. come back to Me, my child. come back. i've broken and emptied you out...i need you to return to me with nothing. rend your heart, Child. drastic times call for drastic measures. you have strayed so far away...run back, Child. run back. i'll meet you halfway. and when we meet, rend to me everything. rend to me your heart. if you can't bring yourself to do it, just allow Me to do it for you. but you have to let Me.
[rend: –verb
1. to separate into parts with force or violence
2.to tear apart, split, or divide
3. to pull or tear violently
4. to tear (one's garments or hair) in grief, rage, etc.
5. to disturb (the air) sharply with loud noise.
6. to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings
7. to become torn or split]
DESTROY those things that are not of Me, from Me, for Me. it will hurt, it will be painful...but i love you and i need you to trust that i know best. let me ruin you for My glory. do not be afraid to tell Me how you feel. if it angers you, tell me. if it saddens you, cry out to Me. i can take it. i want to take it...away. just do not turn your back on Me again, My child. i need you broken and emptied of EVERYTHING so that i can fill you with Me again - only Me. i am a jealous God who loves you more than you can ever imagine. i just want to be your Everything. just let Me. let me break you in order than everything else can be poured out and i can enter the places in Your life you have pushed me out of.
Rend your hearts
I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know
your own heart breaks
rend
My only desire is that you return. i have no expectations. just return with a broken & changed heart. allow Me to see your brokeness. you are never more beautiful than when you allow Me to see your brokeness. allow Me to fix it. i can...and i will. i love you. more than you know. more than you can comprehend. let Me put it all back together. i sing these words over you. i've sung them every minute of everyday since you turned your back...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWqDpiWgQkk
just lift the broken pieces of your life up to Me, Child. lift up your beautiful brokeness to Me...i will put them back together.
i love you,
Dad
Friday, November 28, 2008
ruin me.
I am a city – built by the one true God. You are my Lord. My very best friend. The meaning behind my tears. No one compares. No one comes close. You bring out in me something I cannot explain. Greater things Lord are yet to come in this city Lord. Greater things are yet to come in my heart, Father. I hurt, but I hurt because you want better for me. You are teaching me. You are stretching me. You are growing me. You are the light in my darkness. You bring peace and forgiveness and mercy I do not deserve. I cling to the hope that you are not finished with me. I am so unclean. I am so unworthy. You are so gracious and you wrap your arms around this filthy sinner with the promise that greater things are yet to come. You are not finished with me. No one compares. I have no idea what You have in store…but it’s greater. Far greater than I can imagine. I surrender to You God. Nothing is sweeter than the brokenness I feel in the most vulnerable moments of worship to You.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d61LamkXfwk
Ruin me. I’ve done a pretty good job of ruining some pretty amazing opportunities to share Your love with others. You are so holy; I am so filthy. Continue to remind me of my filth, Lord. Ruin my life of the plans that I’ve made. Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain. Destroy these idols. God, I don’t live for you alone. I live for you, too. Give me the strength to change that. Be my strength. Ruin me everyday Lord…no matter how much I beg You to stop. You will never be finished with me. I am stubborn. I am foolish. I am so immature. I don’t know how to love like You.
Teach me.
Two years? Really?
Show me, Father. And give me the strength not to question You.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d61LamkXfwk
Ruin me. I’ve done a pretty good job of ruining some pretty amazing opportunities to share Your love with others. You are so holy; I am so filthy. Continue to remind me of my filth, Lord. Ruin my life of the plans that I’ve made. Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain. Destroy these idols. God, I don’t live for you alone. I live for you, too. Give me the strength to change that. Be my strength. Ruin me everyday Lord…no matter how much I beg You to stop. You will never be finished with me. I am stubborn. I am foolish. I am so immature. I don’t know how to love like You.
Teach me.
Two years? Really?
Show me, Father. And give me the strength not to question You.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
blessed & thankful.
to everyone i can think of off the top of my head who has every had any positive influence on my life, with or without their knowing it:
"i thank my God every time i remember you." phil. 1:3
Jesus. mom. dad. christie. sandie. schuyler. david. elena. saige. baby walker. grandmommy. granddaddy. aunt lynda. uncle mike. bryan. lauren. aunt pam. uncle jerry. amy. jake. noah. uncle mike. kim. robin. michael. john. shirley. cheryl p. sonny. karen. amanda m. rebekah. heather. joy. elizabeth t. elizabeth d. hannah k. cindy. tammy. evelyn. amanda v. kerry g. joya. amy r. lucy. amye. kayla-brendan. austin. flory. troy. ms. beverly. gail. jon. brett. ashleyking. kristina. laura. julie. india. nicole. the lees. brandy. melissa. tausha. amy g. heather g. amanda d. amanda h. chasity. brittany d. hope. rachel. evelyn. katie m. katie c. molly. bill. molly f. karmen. kim. megan. jordan. summer. derek. justin. jonathan. ms. mary. perry. porter. blair. gloria. kara. leanne. leigh-anne b. leigh-anne t. wangchuck. ben. jordy. rhea. lois. tom. mary b. vic. page. all my campers. my 6th-8th grade girls. morgan. bree. lindsay. keisha. kaydee. ashley. stephanie. becky. jessica n. annab. jenna m. stephanie. lamb. skip. jack. mike. kristie. andrea. shaquitta. mr. owen. ms. thompson. dr. gaddis. mr. mac. s-kahl. s-dobson. susan. steve. haley. kendra. jamie. nez. jenna. edwin. kimi. pema. sonam. christina. jon v. kevin. john. heidi. mckinley. jimmy. joanna. g. franny. bekah. adam. jack. christian. brianna. stella. seth. amanda b. patrick m. crystal j. samantha. alice. maggie. rut. angie. lisa. jenny. michael. miranda. sarah b. bryna. lawrence. ms. kim. steve. jenna. bekah r. miles. will. edwin l. nikki gr. niki c. ricki c. cliff. jill b. erica. tracy. morgan d/c. michael h. hadassah. nikki g. ali q. ms. sally.
& the list goes on & on...
we are blessed beyond measure.
"i thank my God every time i remember you." phil. 1:3
Jesus. mom. dad. christie. sandie. schuyler. david. elena. saige. baby walker. grandmommy. granddaddy. aunt lynda. uncle mike. bryan. lauren. aunt pam. uncle jerry. amy. jake. noah. uncle mike. kim. robin. michael. john. shirley. cheryl p. sonny. karen. amanda m. rebekah. heather. joy. elizabeth t. elizabeth d. hannah k. cindy. tammy. evelyn. amanda v. kerry g. joya. amy r. lucy. amye. kayla-brendan. austin. flory. troy. ms. beverly. gail. jon. brett. ashleyking. kristina. laura. julie. india. nicole. the lees. brandy. melissa. tausha. amy g. heather g. amanda d. amanda h. chasity. brittany d. hope. rachel. evelyn. katie m. katie c. molly. bill. molly f. karmen. kim. megan. jordan. summer. derek. justin. jonathan. ms. mary. perry. porter. blair. gloria. kara. leanne. leigh-anne b. leigh-anne t. wangchuck. ben. jordy. rhea. lois. tom. mary b. vic. page. all my campers. my 6th-8th grade girls. morgan. bree. lindsay. keisha. kaydee. ashley. stephanie. becky. jessica n. annab. jenna m. stephanie. lamb. skip. jack. mike. kristie. andrea. shaquitta. mr. owen. ms. thompson. dr. gaddis. mr. mac. s-kahl. s-dobson. susan. steve. haley. kendra. jamie. nez. jenna. edwin. kimi. pema. sonam. christina. jon v. kevin. john. heidi. mckinley. jimmy. joanna. g. franny. bekah. adam. jack. christian. brianna. stella. seth. amanda b. patrick m. crystal j. samantha. alice. maggie. rut. angie. lisa. jenny. michael. miranda. sarah b. bryna. lawrence. ms. kim. steve. jenna. bekah r. miles. will. edwin l. nikki gr. niki c. ricki c. cliff. jill b. erica. tracy. morgan d/c. michael h. hadassah. nikki g. ali q. ms. sally.
& the list goes on & on...
we are blessed beyond measure.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
the dust still settles.
you should know i'm a little OCD about being clean...& part of me honestly believes this semester the Lord has been laughing & telling/teaching me to chill out.
see, this semester i have spent an unruly amount of time in my car. between traveling to & from ngu once a week and to & from anderson once a week, i've put many a thousand miles on my car. i say "many" because i really have no idea how many it's actually been...but trust me, it' s a lot. not to mention the miles added due to all this recent traveling, visiting different seminaries across the country. put it this way, i've spent more time in my car than in my bedroom over the last 3 months. all that to say, i do a lot of thinking while i travel. yesterday on my way to school, this hit me...
my car is filthy. i've pretty much been living out of a suitcase and have become extremely frustrated with my inability to keep my room clean. yesterday i realized my car was just as bad. here's why:
monday - work/pack for school
tuesday - work/travel to ngu/class/chill with my favorite ladies
wednesday - SLEEP!! :)/more chilltime w/ my ladies/class/travel home
thursday - work AT SIX AM/sleep/run errands - whatever needs to be done at home
friday - work
saturday - (if i don't have to work) unpack finally and get my schoolwork done
sunday - (if i don't have to work) church w/ my parents/lunch/travel to anderson for newspring :)
monday - starts the process over again.
little to no time is left for cleaning.
so pretty much, there is ONE day a week when i don't have a suitcase in my floor. so many times i've just felt like there aren't enough hours in a day. sleep, despite my DEEP LOVE & APPRECIATION FOR IT, has been put on the back burner this semester...haha...BUT...it's ok b/c the Lord has been beyond gracious. He has blessed me with some pretty off-the-chain friendships who i wouldnt' trade for the world. i digress...
back to the dirty room/car. yesterday when i realized how filthy my car was i mainly noticed the heavy layer of dust that long ago began settling on my dash. it disgusted me. at home, i guess it's easier to grasp the fact that this whole cleanliness thing is a neverending battle. there, i've come to terms with the fact that i don't have time to keep the room straight, much less actually clean. but my car?? i cleaned it once this semester and just expected that to suffice. HOW had it gotten so dirty? and it hit me:
**whether i intentionally neglect time with the Lord and turn my back on that one-on-one time with Him OR i just fail to make time despite my desire for time with Him one thing still stands true...the dust still settles. i wind up just as spiritually unclean either way. i can't just expect that He knows i desire time with Him and think that's enough. everyday is a neverending battle. EVERYday i must get up, seek His face, and shake off the dust of my filth.
God speaks to me through the small things in life. yesterday i saw His hand in a dirty room...don't let the dust settle.
see, this semester i have spent an unruly amount of time in my car. between traveling to & from ngu once a week and to & from anderson once a week, i've put many a thousand miles on my car. i say "many" because i really have no idea how many it's actually been...but trust me, it' s a lot. not to mention the miles added due to all this recent traveling, visiting different seminaries across the country. put it this way, i've spent more time in my car than in my bedroom over the last 3 months. all that to say, i do a lot of thinking while i travel. yesterday on my way to school, this hit me...
my car is filthy. i've pretty much been living out of a suitcase and have become extremely frustrated with my inability to keep my room clean. yesterday i realized my car was just as bad. here's why:
monday - work/pack for school
tuesday - work/travel to ngu/class/chill with my favorite ladies
wednesday - SLEEP!! :)/more chilltime w/ my ladies/class/travel home
thursday - work AT SIX AM/sleep/run errands - whatever needs to be done at home
friday - work
saturday - (if i don't have to work) unpack finally and get my schoolwork done
sunday - (if i don't have to work) church w/ my parents/lunch/travel to anderson for newspring :)
monday - starts the process over again.
little to no time is left for cleaning.
so pretty much, there is ONE day a week when i don't have a suitcase in my floor. so many times i've just felt like there aren't enough hours in a day. sleep, despite my DEEP LOVE & APPRECIATION FOR IT, has been put on the back burner this semester...haha...BUT...it's ok b/c the Lord has been beyond gracious. He has blessed me with some pretty off-the-chain friendships who i wouldnt' trade for the world. i digress...
back to the dirty room/car. yesterday when i realized how filthy my car was i mainly noticed the heavy layer of dust that long ago began settling on my dash. it disgusted me. at home, i guess it's easier to grasp the fact that this whole cleanliness thing is a neverending battle. there, i've come to terms with the fact that i don't have time to keep the room straight, much less actually clean. but my car?? i cleaned it once this semester and just expected that to suffice. HOW had it gotten so dirty? and it hit me:
**whether i intentionally neglect time with the Lord and turn my back on that one-on-one time with Him OR i just fail to make time despite my desire for time with Him one thing still stands true...the dust still settles. i wind up just as spiritually unclean either way. i can't just expect that He knows i desire time with Him and think that's enough. everyday is a neverending battle. EVERYday i must get up, seek His face, and shake off the dust of my filth.
God speaks to me through the small things in life. yesterday i saw His hand in a dirty room...don't let the dust settle.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
hope for one day.
so being the technically challenged individual that i am, i could not figure out how to post this video in the actual post - go figure. nevertheless, i definitely recommend chris tomlin's latest cd entitled "hello love"
i DARE you to watch this video & really listen to the words. if it doesn't affect you, i'd reconsider what you're living your life for...& make sure to see it all the way to the end - the bridge is, without question, the best part. enough said ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QsS190dZTs
i DARE you to watch this video & really listen to the words. if it doesn't affect you, i'd reconsider what you're living your life for...& make sure to see it all the way to the end - the bridge is, without question, the best part. enough said ;)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QsS190dZTs
Friday, October 24, 2008
consistently cold.
WARNING: the following thoughts occurred to me at 6:45am on thursday morning, over a cup of $0.40 gas station coffee, while sitting in the parking lot of cvs. take that for what it's worth.
which finally brings me to the actual point of this blog. let me unpack that last statement. several years ago i spent Christmas and new year's in northern india. prior to the trip, my team of four and i met with the missionaries we were to meet over there. they prepared us in every way possible for what we would encounter. one thing that i have always remembered them saying was about the weather. in the winter - in the mountains of india - it's flat out cold. they kept repeating it over and over. so, of course, being the inexperienced traveler that i am, i immediately thought of igloos and eskimos. i was soon corrected when they said, "it actually doesn't get too much colder in india than it does here in the winter; however, the problem is they don't have heat...so they never have a break from the cold."
several times this week i've found myself shivering. that's right...just flat out cold. i assumed it was the culmination of two things: 1) my darling mother who refuses to turn the heat on in the house until, & i quote, "you can't stand it anymore" because, & again i quote, "the power company says" it's most efficient. [no matter how many layers you must put on, blankets you add to the bed, or how frozen your appendages (i like that word) are in the early morning hours] OR 2) the weather FINALLY changing and my stubborn refusal to wear closed-toes shoes, anything but shorts, and sleep with two fans on. regardless of reason or blame, though, i've been cold.
so yesterday morning when my alarms - yes, i have to have 2 - started screaming at 5:45 and faux began meowing and pawing at my face incessantly to make them stop, i awoke to find that i could not feel my nose nor could i feel my right hand...the ONLY things not covered by 3 blankets. i did NOT look forward to the moment when i had to move the blankets and the cold air would rush to the rest of my body. if you know me at all, you know i'm anything but a morning person. so when i finally talked myself into rolling out of bed, i immediately began grumbling the following...
"two fans, seriously? it's frickin' cold in here. miserably cold."
"faux - i love you but shut up."
"i seriously can't feel anything."
"i hate the mornings."
"India."
which finally brings me to the actual point of this blog. let me unpack that last statement. several years ago i spent Christmas and new year's in northern india. prior to the trip, my team of four and i met with the missionaries we were to meet over there. they prepared us in every way possible for what we would encounter. one thing that i have always remembered them saying was about the weather. in the winter - in the mountains of india - it's flat out cold. they kept repeating it over and over. so, of course, being the inexperienced traveler that i am, i immediately thought of igloos and eskimos. i was soon corrected when they said, "it actually doesn't get too much colder in india than it does here in the winter; however, the problem is they don't have heat...so they never have a break from the cold."so as i sat in my car before work this morning i still was absolutely freezing. thoughts of india flooded my mind as i sat spoiled in my personal car, wrapped up in clean clothes i had not already worn this week, drinking a cup of hot coffee made with clean water, and with the heat on full blast. all i could think about was how cold i was and how much my inability to get warm reminded me of those three weeks. and it hit me...
in reference to our walks with the Lord, the problem is not in how cold we are at times, rather it is in our inability to warm back up to Him. being cold isn't the issue - it's when we are consistently cold that it causes real misery.
no matter how far we may stray from the Lord at times, no matter how much of a cold shoulder we may turn to Him...we can always turn back. the problem is not a disaster when it's temporary. when we refuse to do our part, though, in growing that relationship we have become consistently cold to Him. when we refuse to spend that quiet time in prayer and in His Word, that is when we have lost all sense of true priority and that is when our lives begin to fall apart.
maybe that's not quite as much of a wow-moment for you as it was for me...but i thought it was AWESOME! it's encouraging to be reminded that we all fall short at times...we all turn the cold shoulder to the One whose arms remain open. but it's ok. just don't allow satan to seep in and tempt you to grow consistently cold.
funny thing is, i got so caught up in my thoughts that i didn't realize how hot it was getting in the car. you know, that "i'm suffocating because of the heat" feeling! it's terrible. and what's more, i opened my Bible and read a verse that said "walk in the light of the fire". i get it, God...You've got jokes. good one.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
a bird's-eye view & a peak into God's perspective
So I started this post back before camp...completely forgot about it until tonight when I finished it up! ;)
I remember going to the beach as a young child & begging, literally BEGGING, anyone in my family of 5 to play with me in the ocean! I never understood why I was the only one who seemed to enjoy it! It wasn’t fair!! I was too little to go out as far as I wanted alone and playing in the water wasn’t very much fun anyway. Besides, half of the time before I even realized it I was ¼ of a mile down the beach from my family and having a panicky, “I’ve lost my mom in the grocery store” breakdown. Every once in a while dad would give in and he and I would embark on a mission: get past where the waves were breaking and float in the calm water until we spotted the perfect wave beginning to swell at which point we’d start swimming like crazy in hopes that we would meet the wave at just the right moment & body surf all the way to the shore. I’m pretty sure it only happened like 4 times…ever. Didn’t matter though. I guess you could say it was “the thrill of the chase” that kept me wanting to go again and again. As much as I hated & feared being thrown around by the massive waves, my lips shriveling up from the gallon and a half of salt water I ingested, being sucked under the water by the current all the while scraping my back on the ocean floor and thinking “this is it, I’m going to die…because I can’t catch a breath and I can’t get my footing to stand up”, and accumulating half a pound of VERY UNCOMFORTABLE sand in the bottom of my bathing suit, it was well-worth it to catch those 4 amazing 8.5 second rides. Those were good times.
Today, however, I hate the ocean. I take that back…I LOVE the beach. In fact, personally, it is one of the most sacred places one could ever experience. I absolutely love the sights and sounds…especially at night. It really makes you realize how Big our God truly is. However, I am literally petrified to swim in the ocean. After snorkeling in Panama one summer I saw enough. If that’s what was going on under clear water, I did not want to know what was going on under the murky waters of Myrtle Beach. Somewhere between that experience, "Jaws", jellyfish, & an allergic reaction involving sunscreen & salt water, I realized humans are idiots for stepping foot in the ocean. So rarely, if ever, will you find me past knee-deep water. If I can’t see me in the water, me ain’t goin’ in the water! I have a similar fear in lakes too, but it’s quite different and I speak rationally to myself to overcome that particular fear. All that being said, I do miss the fun times I once had out in the water!
Anyway, this week my parents and I are at the beach and this afternoon after I’d come inside I was standing in the kitchen pouring a glass of tea and I looked up and was taken back by the view from our 11th floor balcony. The bird’s-eye view of the ocean never gets old. That’s when I started thinking about all of this. I walked over to the glass door and looked out at the families playing in the water. Several thoughts came to mind:
- Somewhere between middle school & college I was quite shocked that the waves no longer seemed as big as they used to be. What was going on? I think it’s quite simply that my perspective has changed…much like when you walked the halls of your elementary school and
thought the place was huge only to return at 18 and realize how small everything actually was. The waves are so incredibly small in comparison to the rest of the body of water. They seem to break only close to the shore and beyond that all is, for the most part, calm. When we’re down in the middle of those waves, we’re fighting and struggling to get past them. The massive wave breaking over our heads is all we can see. Time and time again we’re knocked down and we feel as though we’ll never get past the waves. How true is that of the tough trials in our lives? The reality is, if we could only see things from God’s perspective we’d realize how small our problems really are. From the balcony I peered out in shock that the breaking waves encompassed not even a 1/10 of the massive body of water before me. There's so much more calm beyond the chaos. The waves, though they may set us back more times than we’d like, do not crash down on us forever...nor do they crash down on us longer than we can handle. Are we persistent enough to trust that?
I’m reminded of these lyrics:
“But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves they keep on telling me time and time again’Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win, you'll never win.’
But the voice of truth tells me a different story.
The voice of Truth says ‘Do not be afraid’
The voice of Truth says ‘This is for My Glory’
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The voice of Truth.”
- I was also overcome by an intense desire to jump in a plane or boat and fly/sail straight ahead until I reached land on the other end…just to see where I’d end up. Where does that massive body of water stop? Even though I am blessed with an awesome view of the ocean, I found myself thinking – it’s not enough. I want to see more…I want to see the end. My balcony view gave me an awesome, new perspective...but I would never be truly satisfied until I could see it all. I’ll never see it all though. It’s just a bird’s eye view of where I am in this moment...which is the closest I’ll ever get to His omnipresent view and perspective.
- Life is so much easier as a fearless child. Fear exists now because I know what’s really out there and I now realize I am not exempt from pain. Though I’ve never been stung by a jellyfish or attacked by a shark…I’ve learned from the experiences of others. I've seen it happen to them. Now fear resides within me. How true is that of our spiritual lives, too? God doesn't promise that living the Christian life will be easy. In fact, He blatantly states that we, as Christians, are called to a life of suffering. We are not exempt from pain...and they definitely don't teach you that in sunday school. But it's so true. I look into the lives of some of my dearest friends who live for the Lord and they have been through some of the most heart-breaking circumstances, yet they have allowed the Lord to shine through every step of the way. The purpose of the suffering is to point the finger to Christ and say look at what He's done for us and look at the hope we have because of Him!! So like I said, life is easier as a fearless child, but easier isn't always best.
Lots of random thoughts, but I didn't want to leave something I started a few months ago on the shelf and never post it. Now I want to go to the beach.
Road trip anyone?
I remember going to the beach as a young child & begging, literally BEGGING, anyone in my family of 5 to play with me in the ocean! I never understood why I was the only one who seemed to enjoy it! It wasn’t fair!! I was too little to go out as far as I wanted alone and playing in the water wasn’t very much fun anyway. Besides, half of the time before I even realized it I was ¼ of a mile down the beach from my family and having a panicky, “I’ve lost my mom in the grocery store” breakdown. Every once in a while dad would give in and he and I would embark on a mission: get past where the waves were breaking and float in the calm water until we spotted the perfect wave beginning to swell at which point we’d start swimming like crazy in hopes that we would meet the wave at just the right moment & body surf all the way to the shore. I’m pretty sure it only happened like 4 times…ever. Didn’t matter though. I guess you could say it was “the thrill of the chase” that kept me wanting to go again and again. As much as I hated & feared being thrown around by the massive waves, my lips shriveling up from the gallon and a half of salt water I ingested, being sucked under the water by the current all the while scraping my back on the ocean floor and thinking “this is it, I’m going to die…because I can’t catch a breath and I can’t get my footing to stand up”, and accumulating half a pound of VERY UNCOMFORTABLE sand in the bottom of my bathing suit, it was well-worth it to catch those 4 amazing 8.5 second rides. Those were good times.
Today, however, I hate the ocean. I take that back…I LOVE the beach. In fact, personally, it is one of the most sacred places one could ever experience. I absolutely love the sights and sounds…especially at night. It really makes you realize how Big our God truly is. However, I am literally petrified to swim in the ocean. After snorkeling in Panama one summer I saw enough. If that’s what was going on under clear water, I did not want to know what was going on under the murky waters of Myrtle Beach. Somewhere between that experience, "Jaws", jellyfish, & an allergic reaction involving sunscreen & salt water, I realized humans are idiots for stepping foot in the ocean. So rarely, if ever, will you find me past knee-deep water. If I can’t see me in the water, me ain’t goin’ in the water! I have a similar fear in lakes too, but it’s quite different and I speak rationally to myself to overcome that particular fear. All that being said, I do miss the fun times I once had out in the water!
Anyway, this week my parents and I are at the beach and this afternoon after I’d come inside I was standing in the kitchen pouring a glass of tea and I looked up and was taken back by the view from our 11th floor balcony. The bird’s-eye view of the ocean never gets old. That’s when I started thinking about all of this. I walked over to the glass door and looked out at the families playing in the water. Several thoughts came to mind:
- Somewhere between middle school & college I was quite shocked that the waves no longer seemed as big as they used to be. What was going on? I think it’s quite simply that my perspective has changed…much like when you walked the halls of your elementary school and
thought the place was huge only to return at 18 and realize how small everything actually was. The waves are so incredibly small in comparison to the rest of the body of water. They seem to break only close to the shore and beyond that all is, for the most part, calm. When we’re down in the middle of those waves, we’re fighting and struggling to get past them. The massive wave breaking over our heads is all we can see. Time and time again we’re knocked down and we feel as though we’ll never get past the waves. How true is that of the tough trials in our lives? The reality is, if we could only see things from God’s perspective we’d realize how small our problems really are. From the balcony I peered out in shock that the breaking waves encompassed not even a 1/10 of the massive body of water before me. There's so much more calm beyond the chaos. The waves, though they may set us back more times than we’d like, do not crash down on us forever...nor do they crash down on us longer than we can handle. Are we persistent enough to trust that?I’m reminded of these lyrics:
“But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failedThe waves they keep on telling me time and time again’Boy, you'll never win, you'll never win, you'll never win.’
But the voice of truth tells me a different story.
The voice of Truth says ‘Do not be afraid’
The voice of Truth says ‘This is for My Glory’
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe
The voice of Truth.”
- I was also overcome by an intense desire to jump in a plane or boat and fly/sail straight ahead until I reached land on the other end…just to see where I’d end up. Where does that massive body of water stop? Even though I am blessed with an awesome view of the ocean, I found myself thinking – it’s not enough. I want to see more…I want to see the end. My balcony view gave me an awesome, new perspective...but I would never be truly satisfied until I could see it all. I’ll never see it all though. It’s just a bird’s eye view of where I am in this moment...which is the closest I’ll ever get to His omnipresent view and perspective.
- Life is so much easier as a fearless child. Fear exists now because I know what’s really out there and I now realize I am not exempt from pain. Though I’ve never been stung by a jellyfish or attacked by a shark…I’ve learned from the experiences of others. I've seen it happen to them. Now fear resides within me. How true is that of our spiritual lives, too? God doesn't promise that living the Christian life will be easy. In fact, He blatantly states that we, as Christians, are called to a life of suffering. We are not exempt from pain...and they definitely don't teach you that in sunday school. But it's so true. I look into the lives of some of my dearest friends who live for the Lord and they have been through some of the most heart-breaking circumstances, yet they have allowed the Lord to shine through every step of the way. The purpose of the suffering is to point the finger to Christ and say look at what He's done for us and look at the hope we have because of Him!! So like I said, life is easier as a fearless child, but easier isn't always best.
Lots of random thoughts, but I didn't want to leave something I started a few months ago on the shelf and never post it. Now I want to go to the beach.
Road trip anyone?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
sweet, sweet summertime
even though i've been out of school since may 2nd, my summer pretty much officially starts in the morning. i'm pretty pumped!! headed to the beach with the family monday-friday and then to my sister's for my youngest niece's 1st birthday party. :) pretty excited to see the babies!! :)
back home late saturday night and then unpacking, washing clothes, and packing up for camp on sunday. monday morning camp orientation!! i'm beyond excited about this summer and the opportunity to be with the kids 24/7 again. please continue to pray throughout the summer that the Lord would ROCK THEIR WORLDS! i can't wait to share their stories with you! 
feel free to write me at camp - mail is pretty much a day-maker!! :)
218 La Vida Rd.
Winnsboro, SC 29180
back in august...have an awesome summer!!! :)
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
draining a cup of grief & starting another book.
several things are on my mind tonight: another book i started last night, 2 very similar pictures, & possibly having my last conversation with himanshu before i leave for camp. this particular post addresses the first.
last night i needed some me & Jesus time. maybe this only happens with me, but something in me causes me to believe i'm not the only one who reaches this point...and reaches it often. you know, when you surround yourself by people you love all the time...keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy so that it's not very difficult to keep a smile on your face. life is going pretty well. the thing is, even in the happiest moments around the most encouraging of friends, if i've let my walk with the Lord fall by the waist side (meaning, i've put that relationship on the back burner) then joy slowly begins to fade and i find myself on a daily emotional roller coaster. i begin again to rely more on earthly relationships that WILL fail my expectations rather than on the ONLY relationship that will remain a constant picture of faithfulness & forgiveness. i find myself screaming for alone time with Him...and only Him. don't get me wrong, spiritually encouraging friendships are SUCH a blessing but as one of those spiritually encouraging friends reminded me once before, we can pour and pour into others and they into us as well, but if we ourselves are not being poured into by the ONLY one who can truly fill our cup, we run the risk of finding satisfaction in the wrong sustenance.
(on a similar note, i ran across this phrase last night that talked about how we need to accept brokenness. we simply need to accept that it's ok to "drain our cup of grief." i thought that was awesome. all of these cup analogies! anyway, i thought that was a good way to describe a female's need to "have a good cry"...so next time you feel that way, just declare that you need to drain a cup of grief...or two.) just remember: scripture promises that if you drain your cup of grief in the Lord's arms, He'll keep every tear in a bottle (psalm 56:8). so get it out and then give it to the Lord.
all that to say, i started reading a book i've borrowed from a friend called "Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging" by Brennan Manning last night. wow. b/c it is a borrowed book, i'm not going to write in it. so...i found myself copying down nearly half of the first two chapters. i could, like with most books i read, go on and on just about those first two chapters but two things stuck out to me that i'll point out now. i'll quote Manning's interpretation of what the Lord spoke to him one night while he was isolated from the rest of the world:
"Come to Me now. Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place."
i needed that reminder. He keeps no score of wrongs. everyone else may, but He does not. in His arms there is safety. His plan is far greater than I can imagine and though I may not be able to see beyond the circumstances of the here and now, I can find hope & trust in the fact that He wants nothing less than the best for me. in His arms there is safety.
which got me to thinking about thing number 2 on my list: a picture hanging on my wall. well, actually right now it's sitting on the floor because it's too heavy to hang right now. too heavy because it carries such a heavy, powerful message? i know, i know...i read into everything. i can't help it. too much has flooded my mind about the message it carries...so much so that i'll save that for another day & another post...
p.s. american idol: two genuinely good guys. two great musicians. that being said, i kind of wish archie had won ;) he's different - passionate about his music & a little dorky...a lot like me :)
last night i needed some me & Jesus time. maybe this only happens with me, but something in me causes me to believe i'm not the only one who reaches this point...and reaches it often. you know, when you surround yourself by people you love all the time...keeping yourself busy with things you enjoy so that it's not very difficult to keep a smile on your face. life is going pretty well. the thing is, even in the happiest moments around the most encouraging of friends, if i've let my walk with the Lord fall by the waist side (meaning, i've put that relationship on the back burner) then joy slowly begins to fade and i find myself on a daily emotional roller coaster. i begin again to rely more on earthly relationships that WILL fail my expectations rather than on the ONLY relationship that will remain a constant picture of faithfulness & forgiveness. i find myself screaming for alone time with Him...and only Him. don't get me wrong, spiritually encouraging friendships are SUCH a blessing but as one of those spiritually encouraging friends reminded me once before, we can pour and pour into others and they into us as well, but if we ourselves are not being poured into by the ONLY one who can truly fill our cup, we run the risk of finding satisfaction in the wrong sustenance.
(on a similar note, i ran across this phrase last night that talked about how we need to accept brokenness. we simply need to accept that it's ok to "drain our cup of grief." i thought that was awesome. all of these cup analogies! anyway, i thought that was a good way to describe a female's need to "have a good cry"...so next time you feel that way, just declare that you need to drain a cup of grief...or two.) just remember: scripture promises that if you drain your cup of grief in the Lord's arms, He'll keep every tear in a bottle (psalm 56:8). so get it out and then give it to the Lord.
all that to say, i started reading a book i've borrowed from a friend called "Abba's Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging" by Brennan Manning last night. wow. b/c it is a borrowed book, i'm not going to write in it. so...i found myself copying down nearly half of the first two chapters. i could, like with most books i read, go on and on just about those first two chapters but two things stuck out to me that i'll point out now. i'll quote Manning's interpretation of what the Lord spoke to him one night while he was isolated from the rest of the world:
"Come to Me now. Acknowledge and accept who I want to be for you: a Savior of boundless compassion, infinite patience, unbearable forgiveness, and love that keeps no score of wrongs. Quit projecting onto Me your own feelings about yourself. At this moment your life is a bruised reed and I will not crush it, a smoldering wick and I will not quench it. You are in a safe place."
i needed that reminder. He keeps no score of wrongs. everyone else may, but He does not. in His arms there is safety. His plan is far greater than I can imagine and though I may not be able to see beyond the circumstances of the here and now, I can find hope & trust in the fact that He wants nothing less than the best for me. in His arms there is safety.
which got me to thinking about thing number 2 on my list: a picture hanging on my wall. well, actually right now it's sitting on the floor because it's too heavy to hang right now. too heavy because it carries such a heavy, powerful message? i know, i know...i read into everything. i can't help it. too much has flooded my mind about the message it carries...so much so that i'll save that for another day & another post...
p.s. american idol: two genuinely good guys. two great musicians. that being said, i kind of wish archie had won ;) he's different - passionate about his music & a little dorky...a lot like me :)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
i'm a good-for-nothin brick & a 2-timin' church dater.
so a couple of weeks ago i went to meet my mom at work as we were "carpooling" to get our haircut. she was supposed to get off at 1, but i got there a little early & she was running a little late. she works at a nearby church doing administrative "stuff" and currently they are without a pastor. so i roamed around the building like i usually do. every time i'm there i find something new! haha...time before last i played the piano in the sanctuary which i love doing. last time i discovered the jr. high sunday school class which has nicer furniture than my bedroom, several tvs, and an empty fridge. haha...yes, i looked inside the fridge ;) 
this time however, because there is no pastor the "pastor's study" was open. so i found myself looking around in there. nothing to look at really...a desk, a table and 4 chairs, and a ton of almost empty bookshelves. i say almost empty because right by the door there were 6-7 of these books by joshua harris - the guy who wrote "i kissed dating goodbye" - which i haven't read...yet. i figured i've never really kissed it hello, but i'd still like to read it. anyway, the title of this book caught my eye. so, i swiped it. no, i didn't steal from the presbyterian church...i borrowed. there's a difference...i'll give it back...one day. i really will. and until then, no one will know it's gone - it won't be missed. mom said the old pastor used the book in a class with a group at the church. that caught me by surprise. so i started it. no, i haven't yet finished...just like every other book i start - but i'm working on it!
it's really good. that being said, so far i've taken from it that i'm a good-for-nothin brick & a 2-timin' church dater. sometimes we need to be told like it is! let me quote the book some here...at least the parts i relate to and those that pretty much sum up my life:
"i was raised in a Christian home [me too], but even though the church played a big part in my life growing up, for many years it didn't have a big place in my heart. [me either] my first home as a child was across the street from the little Baptist church [yep]...my dad was a pastor [yep]...but after two disillusioning church (issues), he left [pretty much...dad's still in the ministry, but not at those churches]...when i graduated from high school, i started visiting around [yep]. i loved God and had big dreams for how i wanted to serve Him, but i didn't see any reason to get too involved in one church. by then, i thought i knew all there was to know about the church, and i wasn't impressed. [agreed.]" i'll just say i can completely relate to that feeling...and leave it at that. i could go on & on about why i feel the way i do, but i want to get to the part about bricks & church dating...and i'm not at all here to bash the church. i love the church...the church is my family.
harris talks about how we are the living body of Christ - made of living stones. "He calls us the body of Christ. we're more than brothers & sisters in Christ. as we express our union with Him through service, worship, & love we become the physical manifestation of our Savior on earth...Heaven sees the church as a magnificent temple...composed of living stones (i peter 2:5)...Jesus Himself is the cornerstone, and you and i are being joined to it". now, i've heard this over and over, but something about how it was expressed here really hit home. (eph. 2:21-22). he also talked about how we are all linked together with one another, with the apostles, & with the Lord b/c we are all a part of this structure. how cool is that that we're connected with people like peter & paul?? we are a part of something SO much bigger than ourselves! harris also commented on how denominations were tearing apart unity when, in reality, they CAN make unity more achievable. i had to chew on that one for awhile, but i think i agree. "denominations allow us to have organizational unity where we have FULL agreement and allow us to have spiritual unity with other denominations since we are not forced to argue our way to perfect agreement but can accept our differences of OPINION on SECONDARY matters...pray for God to work through other Christians even though they might worship differently than we do & stay humble about doctrinal differences of secondary importance. through His church, spread out around the world, Jesus is glorifying Himself and extending His reign in ways that no single person, congregation, OR denomination could do alone." i liked that. a LOT. let's stop fighting about issues that ultimately, don't make an eternal difference and start working together spreading the main facts we know to be true. i've never been so drawn to worship than when i stood beside believers in india as they sang worship songs in their nepali tongue. i sang in english. it was just a mere GLIMPSE of what Heaven will be like when every nation and every tongue will glorify the Father with one voice. amazing. that's just a personal side note. anyway, back to the bricks.
- homemade, mennoninte, oatmeal whoopi cookies. (don't ask...but YOU know.)
this time however, because there is no pastor the "pastor's study" was open. so i found myself looking around in there. nothing to look at really...a desk, a table and 4 chairs, and a ton of almost empty bookshelves. i say almost empty because right by the door there were 6-7 of these books by joshua harris - the guy who wrote "i kissed dating goodbye" - which i haven't read...yet. i figured i've never really kissed it hello, but i'd still like to read it. anyway, the title of this book caught my eye. so, i swiped it. no, i didn't steal from the presbyterian church...i borrowed. there's a difference...i'll give it back...one day. i really will. and until then, no one will know it's gone - it won't be missed. mom said the old pastor used the book in a class with a group at the church. that caught me by surprise. so i started it. no, i haven't yet finished...just like every other book i start - but i'm working on it!
it's really good. that being said, so far i've taken from it that i'm a good-for-nothin brick & a 2-timin' church dater. sometimes we need to be told like it is! let me quote the book some here...at least the parts i relate to and those that pretty much sum up my life:
"i was raised in a Christian home [me too], but even though the church played a big part in my life growing up, for many years it didn't have a big place in my heart. [me either] my first home as a child was across the street from the little Baptist church [yep]...my dad was a pastor [yep]...but after two disillusioning church (issues), he left [pretty much...dad's still in the ministry, but not at those churches]...when i graduated from high school, i started visiting around [yep]. i loved God and had big dreams for how i wanted to serve Him, but i didn't see any reason to get too involved in one church. by then, i thought i knew all there was to know about the church, and i wasn't impressed. [agreed.]" i'll just say i can completely relate to that feeling...and leave it at that. i could go on & on about why i feel the way i do, but i want to get to the part about bricks & church dating...and i'm not at all here to bash the church. i love the church...the church is my family.
harris talks about how we are the living body of Christ - made of living stones. "He calls us the body of Christ. we're more than brothers & sisters in Christ. as we express our union with Him through service, worship, & love we become the physical manifestation of our Savior on earth...Heaven sees the church as a magnificent temple...composed of living stones (i peter 2:5)...Jesus Himself is the cornerstone, and you and i are being joined to it". now, i've heard this over and over, but something about how it was expressed here really hit home. (eph. 2:21-22). he also talked about how we are all linked together with one another, with the apostles, & with the Lord b/c we are all a part of this structure. how cool is that that we're connected with people like peter & paul?? we are a part of something SO much bigger than ourselves! harris also commented on how denominations were tearing apart unity when, in reality, they CAN make unity more achievable. i had to chew on that one for awhile, but i think i agree. "denominations allow us to have organizational unity where we have FULL agreement and allow us to have spiritual unity with other denominations since we are not forced to argue our way to perfect agreement but can accept our differences of OPINION on SECONDARY matters...pray for God to work through other Christians even though they might worship differently than we do & stay humble about doctrinal differences of secondary importance. through His church, spread out around the world, Jesus is glorifying Himself and extending His reign in ways that no single person, congregation, OR denomination could do alone." i liked that. a LOT. let's stop fighting about issues that ultimately, don't make an eternal difference and start working together spreading the main facts we know to be true. i've never been so drawn to worship than when i stood beside believers in india as they sang worship songs in their nepali tongue. i sang in english. it was just a mere GLIMPSE of what Heaven will be like when every nation and every tongue will glorify the Father with one voice. amazing. that's just a personal side note. anyway, back to the bricks.
in describing good-for-nothing bricks, harris explains "i know there are some who say, 'well i have given myself to the Lord, but i do not intend to give myself to the church. now why not? because i can be a Christian without it. [yes, i have said this many times...b/c i've seen the crap that sometimes comes out of churches...what goes on behind closed doors...but harris continues in asking us] are you quite clear about that?" and this is the part that got me..."you can be as good a Christian by disobedience to your Lord's commands (not being a part of a church body) as by being obedient? what is a brick made for? to help build a house. it is of no use for that brick to tell you it is just as good a brick while it is kicking about on the ground as it would be in the house. it is a good-for-nothing brick. so you rolling-stone Christians [i LOVE it when people are in your face...thanks!], i do not believe that you are answering your purpose. [ouch.] you are living contrary to the life which Christ would have you life, and you are much to blame for the injury you do."
i have allowed myself to be that brick. i'm slowly learning to get past the grudges i hold towards the church. i don't want to be that brick. i want to be a part of the living structure bigger than myself. another realization was that i need my neighbors. i cannot stand alone...bricks are of no use alone. refusing to rely on others in a healthy manner makes me just as much a good-for-nothing brick as refusing to step foot in a church.
as for being a church dater...
in the book, harris talks about his friend nathan who "attended two churches on sundays - one because he liked their music, the other because he liked the preaching. and his involvement in both went no deeper. at the first church he'd slip out just before the last song wound down and drive to the other church 5 mins away. he even factored in time to stop for an egg mcmuffin. he timed it so that he'd be walking into the 2nd church just as the pastor started to preach. i guess you could say nathan was two-timing."
i've been that person too. for four years i've dated church after church, never committing and with absolutely no intention of settling down with any of them. i've never thought about it in the dating sense before, but if someone i was dating treated me like that, i wouldn't be very happy. i want commitment. i want someone who is as passionate about me as i am about him. try that on for size as far as looking at the church from God's perspective. "what practiced daters like nathan [and me...haha, i'm a practiced dater] don't realize is that what they assume is working for their personal gain is actually resulting in serious loss - for themselves and others...when we resist passion and commitment in our relationship with the church, everyone gets cheated out of God's best."
i know i say this all the time, but i could go on and on. but i'll let you pull from all of this what you want. i just wanted to share what's opened my eyes. apparently, i'm a good-for-nothin brick & a 2-timin' church dater. i'm workin on it. :)
2 very random, but good, thoughts to end on:
- i've had MANY more conversations over several days and MANY hours w/ himanshu. continue to pray...it's been AMAZING. he's asking about salvation and questioning EVERYTHING he's been taught :) i'll keep you updated.- homemade, mennoninte, oatmeal whoopi cookies. (don't ask...but YOU know.)
Thursday, May 15, 2008
quotes from beth moore & a pooty shoe.
"God is too wise to send the most light to where the most light already exists"
-on callings outside of the church
"We ourselves are are meant to be a tract the lost can read. How is your 'tract record'?"
"I am not too proud to ask the Lord to give me favor."
"Nothing I am holding onto in place of Christ comes close to what I have lost by letting go of Him."
-on putting others/things before Christ
"In me, without Christ, there is no good thing & I am capable of any evil deed. We have to be forced to depravity." so true. so, so very true and so, so very humbling.
& my personal favorite:
"I've got a glorious addiction to a man I want all over me - His name is Jesus Christ."
-explaining a desire for the Lord's Presence in her life
ok, so i have another favorite that's been on my mind ever since i heard it:
"If we are not currently accomplishing more than we know we are capable of, we are not truly living in the Spirit."
wow. that is motivation to me. how about you?
my mom came in from work today and walked back & forth in front of me about 9 times b/c she wanted me to hear her "pooty shoe". she was nearly in tears because randomly her shoe would, well, "poot"...she said she was glad she worked alone. you have to know my mother to understand why this was so flippin' hilarious.
-on callings outside of the church
"We ourselves are are meant to be a tract the lost can read. How is your 'tract record'?"
"I am not too proud to ask the Lord to give me favor."
"Nothing I am holding onto in place of Christ comes close to what I have lost by letting go of Him."
-on putting others/things before Christ
"In me, without Christ, there is no good thing & I am capable of any evil deed. We have to be forced to depravity." so true. so, so very true and so, so very humbling.
& my personal favorite:
"I've got a glorious addiction to a man I want all over me - His name is Jesus Christ."
-explaining a desire for the Lord's Presence in her life
ok, so i have another favorite that's been on my mind ever since i heard it:
"If we are not currently accomplishing more than we know we are capable of, we are not truly living in the Spirit."
wow. that is motivation to me. how about you?
my mom came in from work today and walked back & forth in front of me about 9 times b/c she wanted me to hear her "pooty shoe". she was nearly in tears because randomly her shoe would, well, "poot"...she said she was glad she worked alone. you have to know my mother to understand why this was so flippin' hilarious.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
conversation over coffee? how about internet chess.
the most amazing thing just happened & even though it's 2:45am and i have to get up early...i have to share. why? two reasons: 1) it was a definite God-thing & 2) i need your prayers now!!
so while i've been at home i've gotten into the habit of playing online chess. ok go ahead and make fun of me...get it out of your system. that's ok...i know i'm a nerd and i am completely ok with that! haha...anyway, if you've ever played any online games (be it spades, hearts, etc) you know that you can chat with your opponents. i'm usually not big on the chatting...i'm here to play the game and i really feel a bit strange talking to complete strangers - and the questions always arise: "where are you from?", "how old are you?", "what is your name?". anyway...over the last week, however, i have felt a "burden" (for lack of a better word) to ask the people i'm playing with if they know Jesus or how they feel about Jesus. i don't really like flat out saying to people "are you a Christian" - i think that typically turns them away if they do not believe and it leaves me knowing very little about what it is they do believe. i don't want to make assumptions.
so tonight was the 2nd time i've followed through with those gut feelings to bring up the conversation. both times have gone surprisingly well. the first time i simply asked "how do you feel about Jesus" and the response was "I LOVE JESUS". i proceeded to learn that my chess partner of the day was raised in a catholic home but was not much for denomination. he gave me his email address and suggested we keep in contact. i'll be honest and say i was skeptical. tonight, however, was...well...wow. throughout the game i learned that my partner was an 18 year old male in india. it was completely cool that i had been there and could talk, somewhat intelligently, about the area with him. it gave us common ground. i had no intentions tonight of bringing up the Jesus question, but when i found out he was from india, my interest peaked.
i may write more about this later, but for now i have to sleep. i'll leave you with the highlights:
- i talked for over an hour w/ himanshu.
- i downloaded yahoo messenger so that we could talk more about our beliefs
- his mother is hindu & his father muslim; however, they left him with the freedom to choose his own belief
- problem: indian government
- he believes in "humanity" - all religions are ok. when i asked if he meant that he was tolerant of all religions he replied: "if you go with them (other religions), and they (politicians) see this, they will kill you"
- we agreed to exchange email addresses and will be emailing one another in the next few days our "testimonies" so to speak
- then i'll ask questions and he'll do the same
- i found myself on the floor praying nearly in tears while he went to the bathroom that the Lord would pour out His Spirit on him and me as well b/c i do not feel equipped for these kinds of conversations. he was asking very hard questions. indians are VERY educated not only in their own beliefs but in others as well...and it's quite intimidating
- he wanted to know my birthday b/c he wanted to know my sunsign (zodiac sign)...why? he said he felt as if he knew me. i asked if he believed in reincarnation. he replied that he did not know but that many indians did...that led to a whole different conversation
- he is very curious & very friendly - much like my friends i met while i was in india. i miss them. he sent pictures. meet himanshu and his sister shagun.
please pray that the Lord would pour His spirit upon himanshu...& if you don't mind, pray for me too...i'm in definite need of both wisdom and guidance. thanks.
so while i've been at home i've gotten into the habit of playing online chess. ok go ahead and make fun of me...get it out of your system. that's ok...i know i'm a nerd and i am completely ok with that! haha...anyway, if you've ever played any online games (be it spades, hearts, etc) you know that you can chat with your opponents. i'm usually not big on the chatting...i'm here to play the game and i really feel a bit strange talking to complete strangers - and the questions always arise: "where are you from?", "how old are you?", "what is your name?". anyway...over the last week, however, i have felt a "burden" (for lack of a better word) to ask the people i'm playing with if they know Jesus or how they feel about Jesus. i don't really like flat out saying to people "are you a Christian" - i think that typically turns them away if they do not believe and it leaves me knowing very little about what it is they do believe. i don't want to make assumptions.
so tonight was the 2nd time i've followed through with those gut feelings to bring up the conversation. both times have gone surprisingly well. the first time i simply asked "how do you feel about Jesus" and the response was "I LOVE JESUS". i proceeded to learn that my chess partner of the day was raised in a catholic home but was not much for denomination. he gave me his email address and suggested we keep in contact. i'll be honest and say i was skeptical. tonight, however, was...well...wow. throughout the game i learned that my partner was an 18 year old male in india. it was completely cool that i had been there and could talk, somewhat intelligently, about the area with him. it gave us common ground. i had no intentions tonight of bringing up the Jesus question, but when i found out he was from india, my interest peaked.
i may write more about this later, but for now i have to sleep. i'll leave you with the highlights:
- i talked for over an hour w/ himanshu.
- i downloaded yahoo messenger so that we could talk more about our beliefs
- his mother is hindu & his father muslim; however, they left him with the freedom to choose his own belief
- problem: indian government
- he believes in "humanity" - all religions are ok. when i asked if he meant that he was tolerant of all religions he replied: "if you go with them (other religions), and they (politicians) see this, they will kill you"
- we agreed to exchange email addresses and will be emailing one another in the next few days our "testimonies" so to speak
- then i'll ask questions and he'll do the same
- i found myself on the floor praying nearly in tears while he went to the bathroom that the Lord would pour out His Spirit on him and me as well b/c i do not feel equipped for these kinds of conversations. he was asking very hard questions. indians are VERY educated not only in their own beliefs but in others as well...and it's quite intimidating
- he wanted to know my birthday b/c he wanted to know my sunsign (zodiac sign)...why? he said he felt as if he knew me. i asked if he believed in reincarnation. he replied that he did not know but that many indians did...that led to a whole different conversation
- he is very curious & very friendly - much like my friends i met while i was in india. i miss them. he sent pictures. meet himanshu and his sister shagun.
please pray that the Lord would pour His spirit upon himanshu...& if you don't mind, pray for me too...i'm in definite need of both wisdom and guidance. thanks.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
theme parks, stupid economy, & a great sermon.
my last post was supposed to be a 2-fer...two in one day; however, i never got around to the second one. my bad. so here's to a really random post!
today was interesting. i'm very bored at home with no school & camp still about a month away, but i'm not complaining. i'm catching up on sleep and finally going through years & years of collected clothing. since i hadn't left the house in, oh at least 2 days i spent an extremely long night at church - why not? i ate dinner, went to a beth moore Bible study with my mom, and then did the unthinkable. i went and sang with the choir. yes, that's what i said. i love music. why not? why haven't i done that before? i don't know. something about that makes me laugh - nevertheless, it was actually quite enjoyable. old ladies actually have hilarious conversations. you should sit on the back row sometime. seriously.
i've been wanting to ride some coasters for about 3 years...it's been far too long. tonight i randomly mentioned it to a friend...& my wish has come true. i'm pretty pumped about going to carowinds july 19 (if all works out). wanna go?
i've watched much too much television in the last week that i've been home. not having a tv in my room at school this past semester completely changed my point of view on television. i've been watching lost, the bachelor (yes, i know - trashy - so shoot me), and a few other shows that are online from my laptop but other than that, i've been out of the tv loop for 3 months or so. now i just get really annoyed when i turn it on...especially since i'm at hom
e w/ the parents. it's quite embarrassing. as my mom said the other day "nothing's sacred anymore" - she was referring to a commercial about a certain disorder. seriously?! tv is trash...and i'm not one to get on those kicks. that being said, i found myself "watching" some news show or something along those lines. found out that it costs 1.3 cents to make every penny & 5.6-5.7 cents to make every nickel. that alone is costing Americans millions of dollars every year. i don't understand much about the economy - but i know that's DUMB. haha...
now to what i meant to post the other day. sunday was amazing. i had planned on going to newspring church but it just didn't work out. it was a definite God-thing though...my dad preached my 2nd favorite sermon i've ever heard him preach...my favorite was when he didn't say a word. it was silent. nothing against him at all - but something about silence is powerful...maybe it's because we finally can hear what the Lord's telling us instead of everyone else. sunday, however, was the second week in a series called "5 lies that ruin relationships". each week he goes through a lie. here's what stuck out to me.
-Lie #2: "if other people would shape up my life would work out, my life would be better, i'd be happier in life, everyone would know how good i am...no, how great i am, and how important i am to them!" (just let that sink in for a second...i know i had to)
yeah, i've believed that lie. actually, i find myself believing that lie a lot. i've lost a few friends along the way too. coincidence? i don't know, but i do know i took a lot away from sunday. i definitely have to stop focusing on the flaws of others and start the process of getting the big plank out of my own eye. actually, i can't even do that...i've just got to pray that the Lord will loosen the plank first.
-Lie #2 typically revolves around slander. basically, if i believe everybody else needs to get right, i'm probably going to talk about them. putting them down for whatever reason seems to make the person doing the putting down feel better about themselves. that's twisted, huh.
-WORDS. few things have more power to ruin relationships than critical, defaming, & slanderous words. slander happens anytime the resuls of our communication about someone (whether TRUTHFUL OR NOT) bring him/her down in the eyes of another. lots of verses my dad pointed out stood out, but the one that was without a doubt most gut-wrenching was this: "if anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself & his religion is WORTHLESS." (james 1:27...one of my favorite verses is the next one too by the way but you'll have to look it up to know :) )
-so what's the solution to the battle? idk. that seems to be a good answer. my personal conclusion is that the heart of the problem is a problem of the heart. pretty much, i need to focus on ME...not in a self-righteous, egotistical manner. but in a humble, God-You've-gotta-help-me-be-the-woman-You've-created-me-to be kind of way. "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (matt. 12:34) i gotta get MY heart right before i can get the "fire" & "evil" (my tongue - james 3:6) under control. it's time to stop being the judge and remember that i, too, will one day stand before the One & only Judge. it's kind of like a previous post...we're all in this together. we're all in the same boat. ok, so maybe we're all in A boat...but we're all in boats.
bear with me, i like the boat analogy. maybe the boats represent our weaknesses. so my boat may be pride and/or slander (among other things) and there are other people in my boat too. BUT...there are other boats out there i'm not in...there are certain "sins" that i simply do not, by the grace of God only, struggle with. doesn't matter though. we all struggle w/ sin - we're all in a boat! and we're all searching for something to fix us. what's the fix? i'm pretty sure peter had it. his boat was doubt. (i'm in that boat too...i'm in a lot of boats). we've just got to stop focusing on where everyone else is...what boat they're in - what sin they're stuck in and controlled by and focus on the Savior...He's the only one who's going to help us stand. He's the only one who can loosen the planks.
oh, & i've been overwhelmed by how many of my good friends & their families need prayer right now. i try my hardest to remember them all & lift them up. it's been both a blessing & a lesson to be able to do that. it reminds me of the right times to focus on others...lifting them up rather than tearing them down.
it's been a long one, but thanks for taking the time to read about what's on my heart. :)
today was interesting. i'm very bored at home with no school & camp still about a month away, but i'm not complaining. i'm catching up on sleep and finally going through years & years of collected clothing. since i hadn't left the house in, oh at least 2 days i spent an extremely long night at church - why not? i ate dinner, went to a beth moore Bible study with my mom, and then did the unthinkable. i went and sang with the choir. yes, that's what i said. i love music. why not? why haven't i done that before? i don't know. something about that makes me laugh - nevertheless, it was actually quite enjoyable. old ladies actually have hilarious conversations. you should sit on the back row sometime. seriously.
i've been wanting to ride some coasters for about 3 years...it's been far too long. tonight i randomly mentioned it to a friend...& my wish has come true. i'm pretty pumped about going to carowinds july 19 (if all works out). wanna go?
i've watched much too much television in the last week that i've been home. not having a tv in my room at school this past semester completely changed my point of view on television. i've been watching lost, the bachelor (yes, i know - trashy - so shoot me), and a few other shows that are online from my laptop but other than that, i've been out of the tv loop for 3 months or so. now i just get really annoyed when i turn it on...especially since i'm at hom
e w/ the parents. it's quite embarrassing. as my mom said the other day "nothing's sacred anymore" - she was referring to a commercial about a certain disorder. seriously?! tv is trash...and i'm not one to get on those kicks. that being said, i found myself "watching" some news show or something along those lines. found out that it costs 1.3 cents to make every penny & 5.6-5.7 cents to make every nickel. that alone is costing Americans millions of dollars every year. i don't understand much about the economy - but i know that's DUMB. haha...now to what i meant to post the other day. sunday was amazing. i had planned on going to newspring church but it just didn't work out. it was a definite God-thing though...my dad preached my 2nd favorite sermon i've ever heard him preach...my favorite was when he didn't say a word. it was silent. nothing against him at all - but something about silence is powerful...maybe it's because we finally can hear what the Lord's telling us instead of everyone else. sunday, however, was the second week in a series called "5 lies that ruin relationships". each week he goes through a lie. here's what stuck out to me.
-Lie #2: "if other people would shape up my life would work out, my life would be better, i'd be happier in life, everyone would know how good i am...no, how great i am, and how important i am to them!" (just let that sink in for a second...i know i had to)
yeah, i've believed that lie. actually, i find myself believing that lie a lot. i've lost a few friends along the way too. coincidence? i don't know, but i do know i took a lot away from sunday. i definitely have to stop focusing on the flaws of others and start the process of getting the big plank out of my own eye. actually, i can't even do that...i've just got to pray that the Lord will loosen the plank first.
-Lie #2 typically revolves around slander. basically, if i believe everybody else needs to get right, i'm probably going to talk about them. putting them down for whatever reason seems to make the person doing the putting down feel better about themselves. that's twisted, huh.
-WORDS. few things have more power to ruin relationships than critical, defaming, & slanderous words. slander happens anytime the resuls of our communication about someone (whether TRUTHFUL OR NOT) bring him/her down in the eyes of another. lots of verses my dad pointed out stood out, but the one that was without a doubt most gut-wrenching was this: "if anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself & his religion is WORTHLESS." (james 1:27...one of my favorite verses is the next one too by the way but you'll have to look it up to know :) )
-so what's the solution to the battle? idk. that seems to be a good answer. my personal conclusion is that the heart of the problem is a problem of the heart. pretty much, i need to focus on ME...not in a self-righteous, egotistical manner. but in a humble, God-You've-gotta-help-me-be-the-woman-You've-created-me-to be kind of way. "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (matt. 12:34) i gotta get MY heart right before i can get the "fire" & "evil" (my tongue - james 3:6) under control. it's time to stop being the judge and remember that i, too, will one day stand before the One & only Judge. it's kind of like a previous post...we're all in this together. we're all in the same boat. ok, so maybe we're all in A boat...but we're all in boats.
bear with me, i like the boat analogy. maybe the boats represent our weaknesses. so my boat may be pride and/or slander (among other things) and there are other people in my boat too. BUT...there are other boats out there i'm not in...there are certain "sins" that i simply do not, by the grace of God only, struggle with. doesn't matter though. we all struggle w/ sin - we're all in a boat! and we're all searching for something to fix us. what's the fix? i'm pretty sure peter had it. his boat was doubt. (i'm in that boat too...i'm in a lot of boats). we've just got to stop focusing on where everyone else is...what boat they're in - what sin they're stuck in and controlled by and focus on the Savior...He's the only one who's going to help us stand. He's the only one who can loosen the planks.oh, & i've been overwhelmed by how many of my good friends & their families need prayer right now. i try my hardest to remember them all & lift them up. it's been both a blessing & a lesson to be able to do that. it reminds me of the right times to focus on others...lifting them up rather than tearing them down.
it's been a long one, but thanks for taking the time to read about what's on my heart. :)
Sunday, May 04, 2008
so i worshipped to rascal flatts: an ongoing, broken-up series.
ok, so today will be a 2-fer. (2-in-one-day) there are several things i want to write about & idk that i can wait til tomorrow to share them both!
this post marks the beginning of what i'm going to entitle
"so i worshipped to ______: an ongoing, broken-up series". today's artist of choice is rascal flatts. the idea here is that there are so many secular songs that are screaming with Biblical truth & that i am able to worship to...& i thought it would be interesting to share the ones that stick out to me with you. feel free to comment about songs that stick out to you - i'd LOVE to hear it! so let me explain this one:
on the way home this morning, i cranked up the music in the car. an old rascal flatts cd has blared in my Escape (i've always loved that - that my car is called an escape...since it many times is just that - an escape) for a little over a week now. i think this is the 2nd time i've made mention of blaring R.F. recently. nevertheless, i thought to myself, i'm in one of those "i really wanna sing to Jesus right now" moods...but as i reached out to hit the "radio" button, the song "You" came on. now don't get me wrong - these songs aren't based on perfect theology...but what is?? and who am i to even begin to know what perfect theology is? the point is, i thought it was really interesting that i found myself with hands raised in the car as i sang along to rascal flatts...& it wasn't the first time it's happened. here are the 2 songs that have spoken to me recently.
"You" - R.F.
[Chorus]
every road that i've been down
the only Truth that i have found
there's only one thing i can't live without
You
i was searching for something i thought i would never find
losing my mind
in and out of bad love i thought i was born to lose
then came You
i thought i knew what the real thing was
but nothing shakes me like Your Love does
i've been hypnotized
now i realize
Chorus
every time I get lost
in a temperamental mood
You still stay cool
just when I think that this life's about to drive me insane
You take the reins (ok so He has them all along, but i finally acknowledged He's in control)
every time i feel i'm drifting off course
You're my compass, You're my One true north
in a mixed up world
You make sense to me (girl)....(ok, i'll explain my thoughts on this in a second)
"Shine On" - R.F.
i was lost in darkness and sinking sand
well i was barely nothing, a broken man
but you picked up the pieces of my heart in Your hand
then You came and showed to me
Love's second chance
[Chorus]
shine on, shine on, shine on me
whenever something's missing
You're exactly what I need
Your love has shown me the Light
and now i finally see
so shine on, shine on, shine on me, yeah
Lord knows that i'm not perfect but i sure do try
and i see the man that i can be in Your eyes (jeremiah 29:11)
well there are times i still get lost in yesterday (thoughts of my past)
but You put the past behind me and You light my way
Chorus
Ok. so, i changed some capitalization and bold-ened certain lines to point out what really spoke to me...but then i realized i nearly highlighted the two songs in their entirety. i got to thinking - trying to figure out how it was that secular songs could have such powerful messages about Christ. i came to 2 conclusion:
1- "the Love of God is greater far than time or pen can ever tell"...quite simply, His love is all around us. we are all created by His hand and are all formed from the same dust of the Earth. whether we choose to admit He is among us or whether we choose to deny His presence, it is there. the love of the Father is undeniably present in and around everyone...and it's evident through our longings & desires - which brings me to conclusion numero dos.
2 - to the best of my knowledge, R.F. songs are written about earthly relationships. their lyrics describe relationships gone bad, mountain-top relationships, desires for relationships...you get the point. why is it, then, that they can so easily be compared to our relationship with the Lord? i think it all boils down to the fact that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church. we all have the same longings and desires - to be loved. when we follow the example set by Christ, those feelings could very well be similar. how beautiful is that?
i could go on & on but i'll leave it open for you to think and come up with your own conclusions...i just thought it was interesting!
this post marks the beginning of what i'm going to entitle
"so i worshipped to ______: an ongoing, broken-up series". today's artist of choice is rascal flatts. the idea here is that there are so many secular songs that are screaming with Biblical truth & that i am able to worship to...& i thought it would be interesting to share the ones that stick out to me with you. feel free to comment about songs that stick out to you - i'd LOVE to hear it! so let me explain this one:
on the way home this morning, i cranked up the music in the car. an old rascal flatts cd has blared in my Escape (i've always loved that - that my car is called an escape...since it many times is just that - an escape) for a little over a week now. i think this is the 2nd time i've made mention of blaring R.F. recently. nevertheless, i thought to myself, i'm in one of those "i really wanna sing to Jesus right now" moods...but as i reached out to hit the "radio" button, the song "You" came on. now don't get me wrong - these songs aren't based on perfect theology...but what is?? and who am i to even begin to know what perfect theology is? the point is, i thought it was really interesting that i found myself with hands raised in the car as i sang along to rascal flatts...& it wasn't the first time it's happened. here are the 2 songs that have spoken to me recently.
"You" - R.F.
[Chorus]
every road that i've been down
the only Truth that i have found
there's only one thing i can't live without
You
i was searching for something i thought i would never find
losing my mind
in and out of bad love i thought i was born to lose
then came You
i thought i knew what the real thing was
but nothing shakes me like Your Love does
i've been hypnotized
now i realize
Chorus
every time I get lost
in a temperamental mood
You still stay cool
just when I think that this life's about to drive me insane
You take the reins (ok so He has them all along, but i finally acknowledged He's in control)
every time i feel i'm drifting off course
You're my compass, You're my One true north
in a mixed up world
You make sense to me (girl)....(ok, i'll explain my thoughts on this in a second)
"Shine On" - R.F.
i was lost in darkness and sinking sand
well i was barely nothing, a broken man
but you picked up the pieces of my heart in Your hand
then You came and showed to me
Love's second chance
[Chorus]
shine on, shine on, shine on me
whenever something's missing
You're exactly what I need
Your love has shown me the Light
and now i finally see
so shine on, shine on, shine on me, yeah
Lord knows that i'm not perfect but i sure do try
and i see the man that i can be in Your eyes (jeremiah 29:11)
well there are times i still get lost in yesterday (thoughts of my past)
but You put the past behind me and You light my way
Chorus
Ok. so, i changed some capitalization and bold-ened certain lines to point out what really spoke to me...but then i realized i nearly highlighted the two songs in their entirety. i got to thinking - trying to figure out how it was that secular songs could have such powerful messages about Christ. i came to 2 conclusion:
1- "the Love of God is greater far than time or pen can ever tell"...quite simply, His love is all around us. we are all created by His hand and are all formed from the same dust of the Earth. whether we choose to admit He is among us or whether we choose to deny His presence, it is there. the love of the Father is undeniably present in and around everyone...and it's evident through our longings & desires - which brings me to conclusion numero dos.
2 - to the best of my knowledge, R.F. songs are written about earthly relationships. their lyrics describe relationships gone bad, mountain-top relationships, desires for relationships...you get the point. why is it, then, that they can so easily be compared to our relationship with the Lord? i think it all boils down to the fact that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church. we all have the same longings and desires - to be loved. when we follow the example set by Christ, those feelings could very well be similar. how beautiful is that?
i could go on & on but i'll leave it open for you to think and come up with your own conclusions...i just thought it was interesting!
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
what boat, seriously?
so for all 2 of you who read this, the india posts are gone...i'll add ones i feel are significant later. for now, i'm too OCD to have the first ones on here and not the rest. that being said, today one of the most random things happened at the palmetto...and by palmetto, i mean the gas station.
on my way home from school - YES IT'S SUMMER!! - i stopped to get gas and at the pump across from me stood an old, hacking man. we'll call him george. he looked like a george. now i love old people, don't get me wrong...but the hacking is a bit of a turn off. i'm just being honest. every time george hacked, i'd cringe. i know, i'm terrible...but don't worry: God put me in my place.
being the OCD individual that i am, i decided to wash the windows of my car while i waited on the gas to pump...the pollen on the windshield bothers me...badly. george interrupted me to say, "so whatchu thinkin about these here gas prices?"
the conversation continued as follows:
me: haha, they're pretty insane
george: yeah i can remember when it was 17 cents
me: yeah, it's pretty crazy
(awkward silence. i reached up to finish washing my back windshield when george interrupted again)
george: you're a good lookin' lady...you goin to college?
me: haha (an awkward, what do i say haha mind you) i'm comin home!!
george: i admire you...(let me interrupt you here to say, ok...this was a strange conversation. at this point, i'm thinking...george admires me for going to college? that was my best guess and then he continued)...i talk to a lot of girls around here (i tried to get past how strange that seemed to me at first and kept listening) and they just act like they don't want to talk to me. and i just think i'm another human just like you.
me: (realizing my stupidity...i smiled...finally genuinely) yeah, i guess we're all in the same boat
george: haha
me: you have a good afternoon
george: nice talkin to ya
i got back in the car, turned back up the rascal flatts and was on my way with half a back windshield clean...never to see george again. did i seriously comment back to his soul-bearing statement with "we're all in the same boat"...idk if he understood what i was trying to say but i meant it with good intentions. i found myself really irritated with people my age i don't even know. why are people so rude? but then i was put in my place when i realized, i too probably would have been rude had he not said what he did.
yes, we're all in the same boat. i say that a lot - meaning, we're all human, we all mess up, we all hurt, & we're all yearning for something more. but what boat??? and why do i say that? maybe we just all need to jump out. peter did.
on my way home from school - YES IT'S SUMMER!! - i stopped to get gas and at the pump across from me stood an old, hacking man. we'll call him george. he looked like a george. now i love old people, don't get me wrong...but the hacking is a bit of a turn off. i'm just being honest. every time george hacked, i'd cringe. i know, i'm terrible...but don't worry: God put me in my place.
being the OCD individual that i am, i decided to wash the windows of my car while i waited on the gas to pump...the pollen on the windshield bothers me...badly. george interrupted me to say, "so whatchu thinkin about these here gas prices?"
the conversation continued as follows:
me: haha, they're pretty insane
george: yeah i can remember when it was 17 cents
me: yeah, it's pretty crazy
(awkward silence. i reached up to finish washing my back windshield when george interrupted again)
george: you're a good lookin' lady...you goin to college?
me: haha (an awkward, what do i say haha mind you) i'm comin home!!
george: i admire you...(let me interrupt you here to say, ok...this was a strange conversation. at this point, i'm thinking...george admires me for going to college? that was my best guess and then he continued)...i talk to a lot of girls around here (i tried to get past how strange that seemed to me at first and kept listening) and they just act like they don't want to talk to me. and i just think i'm another human just like you.
me: (realizing my stupidity...i smiled...finally genuinely) yeah, i guess we're all in the same boat
george: haha
me: you have a good afternoon
george: nice talkin to ya
i got back in the car, turned back up the rascal flatts and was on my way with half a back windshield clean...never to see george again. did i seriously comment back to his soul-bearing statement with "we're all in the same boat"...idk if he understood what i was trying to say but i meant it with good intentions. i found myself really irritated with people my age i don't even know. why are people so rude? but then i was put in my place when i realized, i too probably would have been rude had he not said what he did.
yes, we're all in the same boat. i say that a lot - meaning, we're all human, we all mess up, we all hurt, & we're all yearning for something more. but what boat??? and why do i say that? maybe we just all need to jump out. peter did.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
lovin' the remix.
it's been too long.
i say that like i'm talking to an old friend i've just reunited with after several months, years, what-have-you...(i'm such an old person - who says "what-have-you"?). nevertheless (that's for you ms. king) it's definitely been too long since i last plastered my thoughts for all to read...& by all, i mean the 3 of you who read this. haha, i'm pretty sure that out of the 21 visits i've had to my page, i alone account for 18. oh well, regardless of who may or may not stumble across the page, i write for me; i'm pretty sure there's something therapeutic about blogging. anyway, where was i going with this???
oh yeah. lovin' the remix.
this past summer, on one of our weekend trips to columbia when the staff all carpool off "campus" for a little us-time (you know, sonic &/or starbucks...speaking of therapeutic tools!), i bought my first remix, and by remix i mean the Message//remix. if you're not familiar with it, it's the Bible in modern-day language. i was SO excited to get it that i began reading in the car on the trip back to camp. it was small, red-leather, & only $15! it didn't take but about fifteen miles until i realized it was only the new testament. figures. in all my excitement, somehow i failed to notice HALF the thing was missing. nevertheless, i kept it. i was still excited. throughout the summer i carried it with me - so happy to have one i could put in my bookbag and not worry about messing up. it wasn't long before it began. twice it happened. to put it bluntly, some people don't like the Message. one of the missionaries walked into the office and said, "you know that's not a real Bible, right". i mean, how do you respond to something like that. i smiled and made some polite response insignificant enough to forget. the summer was, well, spiritually-challenging. that's ok though.
i put my Bible, yes Bible aside and just never got into it quite the same again...(and i never could find a small Message with both the new & old testaments). that is, until this semester. i found it stashed away in the console of my car in between the driver & passenger's seats. so i started carrying my little red One with me in my bookbag again. even took it home with me for Spring Break...and even to church. everywhere i took it though, i just hoped that whoever spoke would speak from the new testament. i faired pretty well. chapel speakers spoke from James-my dad from matthew. (useless detail? several friends have pointed out that my stories are exorbitantly long with excessive amounts of unnecessary detail. i turn 30 explanations into 25 minute stories. i guess i'm proving that now.)
today i found One. despite my energies to save every penny i make this semester, i couldn't help but to buy the compact dual-testament Message! (doesn't take much to excite me). anyway, i've been a little down lately & so i turned immediately to 1 Corinthians to read about Love. i hadn't gotten so far as the introduction & first 10 verses when i put the good Book down to write this. the Message is simply amazing. Refreshing. Plain. Simple. Down to earth. but with the same Profound Words. i needed that.
i couldn't help but think to myself, "THIS is the kind of thing it's going to take to reach kids these days". we've GOT to get on their level. i could get on a soapbox about how we're never going to reach this generation for the Lord until we get out heads out of the sand & try new things, but i won't. don't want to make my crazy long stories any longer. i will say this though: things like praise & worship bands & the Remix have grown some pretty passionate young people.
i told my mom about the lady who told me the Message wasn't a Bible. her response: "people used to say the same thing about the New Living translation when i was young & that was the new thing". huh, my grandmommy reads her New Living Bible everyday. i couldn't help but think to myself, "i bet that lady will be reading the Message when she's 75." haha...
i hope & pray no one takes offense to this blog for i, by no means, meant to step on any toes. everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. mine, however, stands as is: i'm lovin' the remix.
oh, & i love praise & worship bands, too.
i say that like i'm talking to an old friend i've just reunited with after several months, years, what-have-you...(i'm such an old person - who says "what-have-you"?). nevertheless (that's for you ms. king) it's definitely been too long since i last plastered my thoughts for all to read...& by all, i mean the 3 of you who read this. haha, i'm pretty sure that out of the 21 visits i've had to my page, i alone account for 18. oh well, regardless of who may or may not stumble across the page, i write for me; i'm pretty sure there's something therapeutic about blogging. anyway, where was i going with this???
oh yeah. lovin' the remix.
this past summer, on one of our weekend trips to columbia when the staff all carpool off "campus" for a little us-time (you know, sonic &/or starbucks...speaking of therapeutic tools!), i bought my first remix, and by remix i mean the Message//remix. if you're not familiar with it, it's the Bible in modern-day language. i was SO excited to get it that i began reading in the car on the trip back to camp. it was small, red-leather, & only $15! it didn't take but about fifteen miles until i realized it was only the new testament. figures. in all my excitement, somehow i failed to notice HALF the thing was missing. nevertheless, i kept it. i was still excited. throughout the summer i carried it with me - so happy to have one i could put in my bookbag and not worry about messing up. it wasn't long before it began. twice it happened. to put it bluntly, some people don't like the Message. one of the missionaries walked into the office and said, "you know that's not a real Bible, right". i mean, how do you respond to something like that. i smiled and made some polite response insignificant enough to forget. the summer was, well, spiritually-challenging. that's ok though.
i put my Bible, yes Bible aside and just never got into it quite the same again...(and i never could find a small Message with both the new & old testaments). that is, until this semester. i found it stashed away in the console of my car in between the driver & passenger's seats. so i started carrying my little red One with me in my bookbag again. even took it home with me for Spring Break...and even to church. everywhere i took it though, i just hoped that whoever spoke would speak from the new testament. i faired pretty well. chapel speakers spoke from James-my dad from matthew. (useless detail? several friends have pointed out that my stories are exorbitantly long with excessive amounts of unnecessary detail. i turn 30 explanations into 25 minute stories. i guess i'm proving that now.)
today i found One. despite my energies to save every penny i make this semester, i couldn't help but to buy the compact dual-testament Message! (doesn't take much to excite me). anyway, i've been a little down lately & so i turned immediately to 1 Corinthians to read about Love. i hadn't gotten so far as the introduction & first 10 verses when i put the good Book down to write this. the Message is simply amazing. Refreshing. Plain. Simple. Down to earth. but with the same Profound Words. i needed that.
i couldn't help but think to myself, "THIS is the kind of thing it's going to take to reach kids these days". we've GOT to get on their level. i could get on a soapbox about how we're never going to reach this generation for the Lord until we get out heads out of the sand & try new things, but i won't. don't want to make my crazy long stories any longer. i will say this though: things like praise & worship bands & the Remix have grown some pretty passionate young people.
i told my mom about the lady who told me the Message wasn't a Bible. her response: "people used to say the same thing about the New Living translation when i was young & that was the new thing". huh, my grandmommy reads her New Living Bible everyday. i couldn't help but think to myself, "i bet that lady will be reading the Message when she's 75." haha...
i hope & pray no one takes offense to this blog for i, by no means, meant to step on any toes. everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. mine, however, stands as is: i'm lovin' the remix.
oh, & i love praise & worship bands, too.
Friday, February 15, 2008
His relentless stance
so today i took at 2 1/2 hour nap & it was, quite possibly, the highlight of my week. i take that back...there were actually a LOT of highlights.
- i got to go skiing (okay, the end of last week...but it counts) w/ my best friend & some of my amazing family. just so you know - skiing, my family, & my friends are definitely all at the top of my 'favorites' list
- i got to spend the remainder of the weekend w/ my best friend & didn't have to work AT ALL
- i had an amazing birthday even though i was in class from 9:25am-9pm (ok, so i got out a little early) & spent every break i had in the library studying for a biological psychology exam for my 6pm class. just a side note to say: it was incredibly difficult...take your hardest bio. class + your hardest pscy. class, add them together and you get = exactly what it sounds like. & THEN i had to go back & start the process all over again, studying for my psychopharmacology exam the next night. it was even harder. nevertheless, i was surprised at midnight on feb. 12 by some amazing friends & continued to be surprised all day w/ messages, notes, phone calls, mail, etc. :) thanks everybody! i don't deserve people like you in my life!
- i've made some really (pardon my usage of the following word) cool new friends these past 2 weeks or so...staying on campus every weekend isn't such a bummer after all. we make our own fun...& it sure beats being on the road all the time
- i've learned to let go of friendships that bring me down emotionally. it still hurts, but i've smiled a lot more lately...& it wasn't a fake, "i'm smiling b/c i don't want you to ask me what's wrong" kind of smile - and THAT says a lot. i still get frustrated, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.
- someone i love was in a wreck...and God completely wrapped His arms around her, & the situation in general, all day. everyone's ok & brett gets a new car. haha...
& on and on i could go. anyway none of that has anything to do with why i started this post. what i meant to get at was that because of my nap i'm now wide awake at 3am. so what does a 21st century young adult do in the middle of the night...clean out the email account, of course. i ran across some emails from the past year that were from some close friends. well, we're not close anymore...i don't even know that we're friends by some definitions. it really saddens me, but God's in control. like i said, i find myself getting frustrated - a LOT...why don't they seem to care? how could they just walk away? why don't people believe me when i've been there for them all along? i'll stop there...you get the picture. anyway, one thing a certain someone said to me was this:
"Remember, He (God) has one relentless stance towards us: He loves us. That is amazing."
how true is that? & how often do i forget that? idk, i was just reminded tonight that earthly relationships rarely ever last - & that scares me more than most anything - yet His love, His opinion of us never changes. He never walks away.
& that's the reason for my smile.
one other thing...i also found this - it was written a little differently, but i've edited it some. i think it's a beautiful depiction of a true relationship with the Lord...if we're honest.
"You are real. You are faithful. I just have to believe. I'm scared, and I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. But I know that somewhere along the way, I never really found You. You found me. It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. You're there, I don't deserve it, I don't understand it. But You are still there. Regardless the fact that I told You You weren't real, You're still there. You're still around.
I am in need of Your love. I have to learn how to accept it. I don't know how, I don't know why. But You do love me. It doesn't make any sense. I hate that it doesn't make any sense.
There is power in prayer. A lot of power. I decided to maybe not accept God's love, but learn how to. I don't know what's there, or even why You're there, but I do know I need You. I need that peace in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm sorry that I am so all over the board. I am really working on this whole truth thing. I'm working on it, and it's hard, but there is better. I know there's better, I believe there's better.
So, I say all of that to say, I believe in prayer. I believe in You. I believe that You found me, I believe that You are there. I know I don't deserve You. I know that I can do nothing without You. I've tried, and look where I am. I know that You are there. I believe. I have faith. I trust that. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that without reason, You do love me. I am Your child. It doesn't make sense, but I'm learning that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense. For so long, I have put up this wall, I have built up this barricade, this fortress, that nobody can break through. I was so afraid to let people in. I still am. But I'm trying. I am terrified to let You see me vulnerable, and bare. Without the walls, without the protection, and without escape. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I did this to protect my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, and in the process I shut out everybody, and everything, and I hurt them. I am so sorry. There are not enough ways to say it. I don't really know how to put it into words. But i realize now that You've already seen me vulnerable, broken, & bare without my walls, without protection, and without escape. More importantly, I realize I don't need to try to protect my heart - You are my heart.
You need to know that I will push. I will. I don't even want to because I need You and I know I need You. So I don't want You to be out of my life, but I'm just scared. So, I'm going to push. I will. I am trying not to, and I am trying to let You in. I do trust You. I'm just having to learn how to. I don't really know how to do it, I'm just trying. I am sorry for pushing You away, it's just my defense. It's just another wall. Another barricade and another fortress. It's how I escape. I put up walls. I hide, and I will try to hurt You before You can hurt me kind of thing. But I know You bore all the hurt so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I'm not even sure if I should say all of this, but I need to say it. You know it already.
Basically, I don't deserve Your amazing Grace, but for some reason, You give it. You are there. I do want to do Your will. I do want to be emptied of me. I do want to tell others. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I feel so broken and ridiculous, but I know You're there. I know You give grace, and I want to accept it. I believe it.
& that is the Truth."
talk about a "sinner's prayer"...i'll say amen to that.
- i got to go skiing (okay, the end of last week...but it counts) w/ my best friend & some of my amazing family. just so you know - skiing, my family, & my friends are definitely all at the top of my 'favorites' list
- i got to spend the remainder of the weekend w/ my best friend & didn't have to work AT ALL
- i had an amazing birthday even though i was in class from 9:25am-9pm (ok, so i got out a little early) & spent every break i had in the library studying for a biological psychology exam for my 6pm class. just a side note to say: it was incredibly difficult...take your hardest bio. class + your hardest pscy. class, add them together and you get = exactly what it sounds like. & THEN i had to go back & start the process all over again, studying for my psychopharmacology exam the next night. it was even harder. nevertheless, i was surprised at midnight on feb. 12 by some amazing friends & continued to be surprised all day w/ messages, notes, phone calls, mail, etc. :) thanks everybody! i don't deserve people like you in my life!
- i've made some really (pardon my usage of the following word) cool new friends these past 2 weeks or so...staying on campus every weekend isn't such a bummer after all. we make our own fun...& it sure beats being on the road all the time
- i've learned to let go of friendships that bring me down emotionally. it still hurts, but i've smiled a lot more lately...& it wasn't a fake, "i'm smiling b/c i don't want you to ask me what's wrong" kind of smile - and THAT says a lot. i still get frustrated, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.
- someone i love was in a wreck...and God completely wrapped His arms around her, & the situation in general, all day. everyone's ok & brett gets a new car. haha...
& on and on i could go. anyway none of that has anything to do with why i started this post. what i meant to get at was that because of my nap i'm now wide awake at 3am. so what does a 21st century young adult do in the middle of the night...clean out the email account, of course. i ran across some emails from the past year that were from some close friends. well, we're not close anymore...i don't even know that we're friends by some definitions. it really saddens me, but God's in control. like i said, i find myself getting frustrated - a LOT...why don't they seem to care? how could they just walk away? why don't people believe me when i've been there for them all along? i'll stop there...you get the picture. anyway, one thing a certain someone said to me was this:
"Remember, He (God) has one relentless stance towards us: He loves us. That is amazing."
how true is that? & how often do i forget that? idk, i was just reminded tonight that earthly relationships rarely ever last - & that scares me more than most anything - yet His love, His opinion of us never changes. He never walks away.
& that's the reason for my smile.
one other thing...i also found this - it was written a little differently, but i've edited it some. i think it's a beautiful depiction of a true relationship with the Lord...if we're honest.
"You are real. You are faithful. I just have to believe. I'm scared, and I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. But I know that somewhere along the way, I never really found You. You found me. It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. You're there, I don't deserve it, I don't understand it. But You are still there. Regardless the fact that I told You You weren't real, You're still there. You're still around.
I am in need of Your love. I have to learn how to accept it. I don't know how, I don't know why. But You do love me. It doesn't make any sense. I hate that it doesn't make any sense.
There is power in prayer. A lot of power. I decided to maybe not accept God's love, but learn how to. I don't know what's there, or even why You're there, but I do know I need You. I need that peace in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm sorry that I am so all over the board. I am really working on this whole truth thing. I'm working on it, and it's hard, but there is better. I know there's better, I believe there's better.
So, I say all of that to say, I believe in prayer. I believe in You. I believe that You found me, I believe that You are there. I know I don't deserve You. I know that I can do nothing without You. I've tried, and look where I am. I know that You are there. I believe. I have faith. I trust that. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that without reason, You do love me. I am Your child. It doesn't make sense, but I'm learning that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense. For so long, I have put up this wall, I have built up this barricade, this fortress, that nobody can break through. I was so afraid to let people in. I still am. But I'm trying. I am terrified to let You see me vulnerable, and bare. Without the walls, without the protection, and without escape. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I did this to protect my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, and in the process I shut out everybody, and everything, and I hurt them. I am so sorry. There are not enough ways to say it. I don't really know how to put it into words. But i realize now that You've already seen me vulnerable, broken, & bare without my walls, without protection, and without escape. More importantly, I realize I don't need to try to protect my heart - You are my heart.
You need to know that I will push. I will. I don't even want to because I need You and I know I need You. So I don't want You to be out of my life, but I'm just scared. So, I'm going to push. I will. I am trying not to, and I am trying to let You in. I do trust You. I'm just having to learn how to. I don't really know how to do it, I'm just trying. I am sorry for pushing You away, it's just my defense. It's just another wall. Another barricade and another fortress. It's how I escape. I put up walls. I hide, and I will try to hurt You before You can hurt me kind of thing. But I know You bore all the hurt so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I'm not even sure if I should say all of this, but I need to say it. You know it already.
Basically, I don't deserve Your amazing Grace, but for some reason, You give it. You are there. I do want to do Your will. I do want to be emptied of me. I do want to tell others. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I feel so broken and ridiculous, but I know You're there. I know You give grace, and I want to accept it. I believe it.
& that is the Truth."
talk about a "sinner's prayer"...i'll say amen to that.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
that face.
december 20, 2005 - january 7, 2006 was a life-changing experience. i learned a great deal in the short time i was able to spend in the northern, Himalayan mountains of india. my eyes were opened to the existence of absolute poverty & the true slavery & false hope that come from idol worship. among many other things, i met some very real people who impacted my life beyond words...young people unashamedly standing up for their faith in the face of imminent danger & persecution.
*verse 1
a little face looks up at me
it's nearly impossible to forget people like that...people that touch you to the core of your very being & teach you more about life & love without ever saying a word. you can see it in their eyes. i think it's safe to say we've all met at least one person like that. & if you haven't, i pray that you do...
standing in a cramped, 2nd floor music shop no bigger than a dorm room in a small town in india, i noticed a little boy outside no more than 3 or 4 years old, sprawled out onto the dirty steps scrounging to pick up the few tarnished coins that had been dropped...a mangy, malnourished dog sniffing at his barefoot heels. where was his mother? i turned back around, unable to stand the thought that he was all alone. while i tried to attend to the business we'd entered to store to attend to i couldn't help but turn back around every few minutes to see that 
he was ok...the last time i turned around...there he stood, coins in hand, his brown eyes staring back at me as if to say, "love me". it was in that moment that my heart shattered. i was able to discretely snap his picture with the camera that was already in my hand, flash off, without his noticing...for the whole time his eyes never left mine. i will never forget that face. soon thereafter, sitting on the steps of the compound, guitar in hand staring out into the street, the words to the beginning of this song poured out...
he was ok...the last time i turned around...there he stood, coins in hand, his brown eyes staring back at me as if to say, "love me". it was in that moment that my heart shattered. i was able to discretely snap his picture with the camera that was already in my hand, flash off, without his noticing...for the whole time his eyes never left mine. i will never forget that face. soon thereafter, sitting on the steps of the compound, guitar in hand staring out into the street, the words to the beginning of this song poured out..."love me"
*verse 1a little face looks up at me
with tears in his eyes & no shoes on his feet
no mother in sight he stands all alone
too young to be without a home
his little heart's breaking day after day
& if he could speak i know he'd say
*chorus
love me
why don't you care that i'm here?
so the song is still a work in progress...the second verse is about a girl who feels abandoned, alone...had a hard life and doesn't understand why. she, too, says "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"
the last verse, even though it's not fully written, gives me chills. this time the words speak of Jesus remembering His time on the cross...looking down on His children with a saddened heart repeating those words, "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"
what an impact people can leave on our lives. more importantly, what an impact He can leave on yours.
bucket list
so bucket list is, by far, one of my all-time favorite movies. definitely one of those roller-coaster of emotion-filled films. according to my dad, that was the 2nd time morgan freeman left him walking out of a theater wiping his eyes...and that says a lot. the only time i've ever seen my dad cry was at the passing of his mom & dad, when my puppy "bear" got run over, and a few times when speaking from the pulpit about our amazing Savior. so i mean it when i say, you should definitely check it out.
for those of you who don't know about the movie, the story revolves around two old men who are both nearing the end of their life. and so, they make a list of all the things they want to do before they "kick the bucket" - hence the title. just a few thoughts about some of the lines that stuck out to me...
Carter Chambers: You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.
wow. i've often wondered if, when we leave this world & stand before the Lord, He'll reveal to us all of the people we've had an influence on throughout our lifetime. not that this world is about what we can do or who we are, but i've realized there are so many people who have influenced my spiritual life without ever knowing. i guess part of me simply holds on to the hope that one day they'll know how they impacted my life.
________________________________________________________
Carter Chambers: Even now I cannot understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this. I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain. And that was against the law.
this line cracks me up. the first half is so serious & so profound...& then there's the last line which speaks for itself. haha, but seriously...i only hope that when i leave this world people are able to say that about me: "her eyes were closed and her heart was open."
________________________________________________________
Edward Cole: I envy people who have faith, I just can't get my head around it.
Carter Chambers: Maybe because your head's in the way.
i'm pretty sure we (and by "we" i'm referring to my Christian family) all, at one point or another, have allowed our big heads to get in the way of our faith. theology really has the capability to ruin the beauty of His story...
_________________________________________________________
like i said, great movie. and just for kicks, i've started an ongoing bucket list of my own...:)
- spend some time in an orphanage
- write a book
- jump out of a plane (i've always wanted to, but after seeing the movie that desire was amplified even more!!!)
- witness a live birth (gross? i call it beautiful. i begged my sister to let me come in but she had a c-section...& i guess, if i'm lucky enough to check this off of my list, i'll have witnessed a miracle too!)
- record a CD (i have a really rough one w/ a couple of songs a friend & i made but we were just playing around :) )
- publish a piano book with my music
- get married & have a child...or 5
- go to hawaii
- go skiing in the colorado mountains
- bring my friends from india to america, even if just for the experience
- parasail
- witness a miracle (cliche? don't care, my list. :) )
- make a difference
- wear scrubs & walk around in a hospital w/ a stethascope around my neck. haha
(the booties, mouth/nose cover, & "hat" too but hey, i'd settle for just the first 2)
- run in a marathon...& not die.
- face my childohod fear & ride the "tower of terror" at disney world since i cried my way off of it the 1st time (back off, i was like 10)
- learn to snowboard AND surf
that's the extent of it for now...:) but even if i never get to do those things, i've experienced more than my share of blessings. i don't count myself lucky...just Loved beyond any understanding. and THAT, doesn't even begin to compare with anything else.
for those of you who don't know about the movie, the story revolves around two old men who are both nearing the end of their life. and so, they make a list of all the things they want to do before they "kick the bucket" - hence the title. just a few thoughts about some of the lines that stuck out to me...
Carter Chambers: You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.
wow. i've often wondered if, when we leave this world & stand before the Lord, He'll reveal to us all of the people we've had an influence on throughout our lifetime. not that this world is about what we can do or who we are, but i've realized there are so many people who have influenced my spiritual life without ever knowing. i guess part of me simply holds on to the hope that one day they'll know how they impacted my life.
________________________________________________________
Carter Chambers: Even now I cannot understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this. I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain. And that was against the law.
this line cracks me up. the first half is so serious & so profound...& then there's the last line which speaks for itself. haha, but seriously...i only hope that when i leave this world people are able to say that about me: "her eyes were closed and her heart was open."
________________________________________________________
Edward Cole: I envy people who have faith, I just can't get my head around it.
Carter Chambers: Maybe because your head's in the way.
i'm pretty sure we (and by "we" i'm referring to my Christian family) all, at one point or another, have allowed our big heads to get in the way of our faith. theology really has the capability to ruin the beauty of His story...
_________________________________________________________
like i said, great movie. and just for kicks, i've started an ongoing bucket list of my own...:)
- spend some time in an orphanage
- write a book
- jump out of a plane (i've always wanted to, but after seeing the movie that desire was amplified even more!!!)
- witness a live birth (gross? i call it beautiful. i begged my sister to let me come in but she had a c-section...& i guess, if i'm lucky enough to check this off of my list, i'll have witnessed a miracle too!)
- record a CD (i have a really rough one w/ a couple of songs a friend & i made but we were just playing around :) )
- publish a piano book with my music
- get married & have a child...or 5
- go to hawaii
- go skiing in the colorado mountains
- bring my friends from india to america, even if just for the experience
- parasail
- witness a miracle (cliche? don't care, my list. :) )
- make a difference
- wear scrubs & walk around in a hospital w/ a stethascope around my neck. haha
(the booties, mouth/nose cover, & "hat" too but hey, i'd settle for just the first 2)
- run in a marathon...& not die.
- face my childohod fear & ride the "tower of terror" at disney world since i cried my way off of it the 1st time (back off, i was like 10)
- learn to snowboard AND surf
that's the extent of it for now...:) but even if i never get to do those things, i've experienced more than my share of blessings. i don't count myself lucky...just Loved beyond any understanding. and THAT, doesn't even begin to compare with anything else.
Monday, February 04, 2008
waiting.
so, i've decided that one of, if not the, hardest things in life is waiting.
- driving down the interstate just WAITING for the next exit because you drank way too much sweet tea & you're regretting it more & more with every mile marker you pass
- sitting in the car, engine off, periodically glancing in your rearview mirror WAITING for what seems like an hour just hoping that when the cop returns to your window he won't have that dreaded blue piece of paper in his hand that you can't afford to pay for
- sitting in the dr.'s office (after you've already been there an hour) in nothing but a paper sheet & socks (if you're lucky) while you hear people walking outside back & forth in front of your door and the dr. talking loudly to the sweet (but very old) lady in the next room just WAITING for him to come in & write your prescription
- sitting by the phone WAITING on that call back about one of the several thousand jobs it seems you've applied for because you're in desperate need of some $$...& then WAITING for that first paycheck which, inevitably, seems to be late...or wrong
- pacing back & forth at the hospital during the emergency surgery, the x-rays, the labor, or the tests just WAITING to hear that your loved one is ok
- lying in bed at night while your mind races and you begin to question any & everything stable and unstable in your life because you had too much coffee, the sheep are long gone & you're just WAITING until that moment when you finally fall asleep
you get the picture.
sometimes i wonder why we wish our lives away...constantly in a hurry up & wait mindset. can't wait to turn 13. can't wait to go to high school. can't wait to get our permit. can't wait to get our license. can't wait to go to the prom. can't wait to graduate. can't wait for college. can't wait to get out. can't wait to meet the one we're going to spend the rest of our lives with. can't wait to start our career. can't wait to get married. can't wait to have kids. can't wait to retire. can't wait to have grandkids. it's so hard to remember that this world is only temporary and isn't, or rather shouldn't, be what we're living for. it's so cliche to say "we're not promised another day" so i won't, but i will say that i have to remind myself that we're not promised any of the things society deems 'normal'. for example, not everyone gets married - has 2 kids, a house, & a dog. i never fully understood how paul could say that it was better to be single. but i think i've experienced just a taste of what he meant. it's too distracting - we lose focus. we forget that God blessed us with those friendships & relationships for a reason other than simply our selfish gain. we, ok - I get so caught up in what i'm trying to persue (friendships, relationships, schoolwork, degrees, jobs, etc.) that i leave no time for the only thing that really matters and in the end, although successful in the eyes of the world, am left feeling completely miserable, empty, & lost...WAITING for something to come along and make me "feel" better. somewhere along the lines, i fell into the trap - again - of believing in what i feel more than what i know & that never seems to go well.
so i want to be able to look back and really say i lived one day at a time. made the most of everyday i was alive...
WAITING ONLY for the day that i meet my Savior face-to-face.
i'll have to work on that.
- driving down the interstate just WAITING for the next exit because you drank way too much sweet tea & you're regretting it more & more with every mile marker you pass
- sitting in the car, engine off, periodically glancing in your rearview mirror WAITING for what seems like an hour just hoping that when the cop returns to your window he won't have that dreaded blue piece of paper in his hand that you can't afford to pay for
- sitting in the dr.'s office (after you've already been there an hour) in nothing but a paper sheet & socks (if you're lucky) while you hear people walking outside back & forth in front of your door and the dr. talking loudly to the sweet (but very old) lady in the next room just WAITING for him to come in & write your prescription
- sitting by the phone WAITING on that call back about one of the several thousand jobs it seems you've applied for because you're in desperate need of some $$...& then WAITING for that first paycheck which, inevitably, seems to be late...or wrong
- pacing back & forth at the hospital during the emergency surgery, the x-rays, the labor, or the tests just WAITING to hear that your loved one is ok
- lying in bed at night while your mind races and you begin to question any & everything stable and unstable in your life because you had too much coffee, the sheep are long gone & you're just WAITING until that moment when you finally fall asleep
you get the picture.
sometimes i wonder why we wish our lives away...constantly in a hurry up & wait mindset. can't wait to turn 13. can't wait to go to high school. can't wait to get our permit. can't wait to get our license. can't wait to go to the prom. can't wait to graduate. can't wait for college. can't wait to get out. can't wait to meet the one we're going to spend the rest of our lives with. can't wait to start our career. can't wait to get married. can't wait to have kids. can't wait to retire. can't wait to have grandkids. it's so hard to remember that this world is only temporary and isn't, or rather shouldn't, be what we're living for. it's so cliche to say "we're not promised another day" so i won't, but i will say that i have to remind myself that we're not promised any of the things society deems 'normal'. for example, not everyone gets married - has 2 kids, a house, & a dog. i never fully understood how paul could say that it was better to be single. but i think i've experienced just a taste of what he meant. it's too distracting - we lose focus. we forget that God blessed us with those friendships & relationships for a reason other than simply our selfish gain. we, ok - I get so caught up in what i'm trying to persue (friendships, relationships, schoolwork, degrees, jobs, etc.) that i leave no time for the only thing that really matters and in the end, although successful in the eyes of the world, am left feeling completely miserable, empty, & lost...WAITING for something to come along and make me "feel" better. somewhere along the lines, i fell into the trap - again - of believing in what i feel more than what i know & that never seems to go well.
so i want to be able to look back and really say i lived one day at a time. made the most of everyday i was alive...
WAITING ONLY for the day that i meet my Savior face-to-face.
i'll have to work on that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
