His relentless stance

so today i took at 2 1/2 hour nap & it was, quite possibly, the highlight of my week. i take that back...there were actually a LOT of highlights.
- i got to go skiing (okay, the end of last week...but it counts) w/ my best friend & some of my amazing family. just so you know - skiing, my family, & my friends are definitely all at the top of my 'favorites' list
- i got to spend the remainder of the weekend w/ my best friend & didn't have to work AT ALL
- i had an amazing birthday even though i was in class from 9:25am-9pm (ok, so i got out a little early) & spent every break i had in the library studying for a biological psychology exam for my 6pm class. just a side note to say: it was incredibly difficult...take your hardest bio. class + your hardest pscy. class, add them together and you get = exactly what it sounds like. & THEN i had to go back & start the process all over again, studying for my psychopharmacology exam the next night. it was even harder. nevertheless, i was surprised at midnight on feb. 12 by some amazing friends & continued to be surprised all day w/ messages, notes, phone calls, mail, etc. :) thanks everybody! i don't deserve people like you in my life!
- i've made some really (pardon my usage of the following word) cool new friends these past 2 weeks or so...staying on campus every weekend isn't such a bummer after all. we make our own fun...& it sure beats being on the road all the time
- i've learned to let go of friendships that bring me down emotionally. it still hurts, but i've smiled a lot more lately...& it wasn't a fake, "i'm smiling b/c i don't want you to ask me what's wrong" kind of smile - and THAT says a lot. i still get frustrated, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.
- someone i love was in a wreck...and God completely wrapped His arms around her, & the situation in general, all day. everyone's ok & brett gets a new car. haha...

& on and on i could go. anyway none of that has anything to do with why i started this post. what i meant to get at was that because of my nap i'm now wide awake at 3am. so what does a 21st century young adult do in the middle of the night...clean out the email account, of course. i ran across some emails from the past year that were from some close friends. well, we're not close anymore...i don't even know that we're friends by some definitions. it really saddens me, but God's in control. like i said, i find myself getting frustrated - a LOT...why don't they seem to care? how could they just walk away? why don't people believe me when i've been there for them all along? i'll stop there...you get the picture. anyway, one thing a certain someone said to me was this:
"Remember, He (God) has one relentless stance towards us: He loves us. That is amazing."
how true is that? & how often do i forget that? idk, i was just reminded tonight that earthly relationships rarely ever last - & that scares me more than most anything - yet His love, His opinion of us never changes. He never walks away.

& that's the reason for my smile.

one other thing...i also found this - it was written a little differently, but i've edited it some. i think it's a beautiful depiction of a true relationship with the Lord...if we're honest.

"You are real. You are faithful. I just have to believe. I'm scared, and I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. But I know that somewhere along the way, I never really found You. You found me. It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. You're there, I don't deserve it, I don't understand it. But You are still there. Regardless the fact that I told You You weren't real, You're still there. You're still around.

I am in need of Your love. I have to learn how to accept it. I don't know how, I don't know why. But You do love me. It doesn't make any sense. I hate that it doesn't make any sense.

There is power in prayer. A lot of power. I decided to maybe not accept God's love, but learn how to. I don't know what's there, or even why You're there, but I do know I need You. I need that peace in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm sorry that I am so all over the board. I am really working on this whole truth thing. I'm working on it, and it's hard, but there is better. I know there's better, I believe there's better.

So, I say all of that to say, I believe in prayer. I believe in You. I believe that You found me, I believe that You are there. I know I don't deserve You. I know that I can do nothing without You. I've tried, and look where I am. I know that You are there. I believe. I have faith. I trust that. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that without reason, You do love me. I am Your child. It doesn't make sense, but I'm learning that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense. For so long, I have put up this wall, I have built up this barricade, this fortress, that nobody can break through. I was so afraid to let people in. I still am. But I'm trying. I am terrified to let You see me vulnerable, and bare. Without the walls, without the protection, and without escape. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I did this to protect my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, and in the process I shut out everybody, and everything, and I hurt them. I am so sorry. There are not enough ways to say it. I don't really know how to put it into words. But i realize now that You've already seen me vulnerable, broken, & bare without my walls, without protection, and without escape. More importantly, I realize I don't need to try to protect my heart - You are my heart.
You need to know that I will push. I will. I don't even want to because I need You and I know I need You. So I don't want You to be out of my life, but I'm just scared. So, I'm going to push. I will. I am trying not to, and I am trying to let You in. I do trust You. I'm just having to learn how to. I don't really know how to do it, I'm just trying. I am sorry for pushing You away, it's just my defense. It's just another wall. Another barricade and another fortress. It's how I escape. I put up walls. I hide, and I will try to hurt You before You can hurt me kind of thing. But I know You bore all the hurt so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I'm not even sure if I should say all of this, but I need to say it. You know it already.

Basically, I don't deserve Your amazing Grace, but for some reason, You give it. You are there. I do want to do Your will. I do want to be emptied of me. I do want to tell others. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I feel so broken and ridiculous, but I know You're there. I know You give grace, and I want to accept it. I believe it.
& that is the Truth."

talk about a "sinner's prayer"...i'll say amen to that.

that face.

december 20, 2005 - january 7, 2006 was a life-changing experience. i learned a great deal in the short time i was able to spend in the northern, Himalayan mountains of india. my eyes were opened to the existence of absolute poverty & the true slavery & false hope that come from idol worship. among many other things, i met some very real people who impacted my life beyond words...young people unashamedly standing up for their faith in the face of imminent danger & persecution.

it's nearly impossible to forget people like that...people that touch you to the core of your very being & teach you more about life & love without ever saying a word. you can see it in their eyes. i think it's safe to say we've all met at least one person like that. & if you haven't, i pray that you do...

standing in a cramped, 2nd floor music shop no bigger than a dorm room in a small town in india, i noticed a little boy outside no more than 3 or 4 years old, sprawled out onto the dirty steps scrounging to pick up the few tarnished coins that had been dropped...a mangy, malnourished dog sniffing at his barefoot heels. where was his mother? i turned back around, unable to stand the thought that he was all alone. while i tried to attend to the business we'd entered to store to attend to i couldn't help but turn back around every few minutes to see that he was ok...the last time i turned around...there he stood, coins in hand, his brown eyes staring back at me as if to say, "love me". it was in that moment that my heart shattered. i was able to discretely snap his picture with the camera that was already in my hand, flash off, without his noticing...for the whole time his eyes never left mine. i will never forget that face. soon thereafter, sitting on the steps of the compound, guitar in hand staring out into the street, the words to the beginning of this song poured out...

"love me"

*verse 1
a little face looks up at me

with tears in his eyes & no shoes on his feet

no mother in sight he stands all alone

too young to be without a home

his little heart's breaking day after day

& if he could speak i know he'd say

*chorus

love me

why don't you care that i'm here?

so the song is still a work in progress...the second verse is about a girl who feels abandoned, alone...had a hard life and doesn't understand why. she, too, says "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"

the last verse, even though it's not fully written, gives me chills. this time the words speak of Jesus remembering His time on the cross...looking down on His children with a saddened heart repeating those words, "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"

what an impact people can leave on our lives. more importantly, what an impact He can leave on yours.

bucket list

so bucket list is, by far, one of my all-time favorite movies. definitely one of those roller-coaster of emotion-filled films. according to my dad, that was the 2nd time morgan freeman left him walking out of a theater wiping his eyes...and that says a lot. the only time i've ever seen my dad cry was at the passing of his mom & dad, when my puppy "bear" got run over, and a few times when speaking from the pulpit about our amazing Savior. so i mean it when i say, you should definitely check it out.

for those of you who don't know about the movie, the story revolves around two old men who are both nearing the end of their life. and so, they make a list of all the things they want to do before they "kick the bucket" - hence the title. just a few thoughts about some of the lines that stuck out to me...

Carter Chambers: You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.

wow. i've often wondered if, when we leave this world & stand before the Lord, He'll reveal to us all of the people we've had an influence on throughout our lifetime. not that this world is about what we can do or who we are, but i've realized there are so many people who have influenced my spiritual life without ever knowing. i guess part of me simply holds on to the hope that one day they'll know how they impacted my life.
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Carter Chambers: Even now I cannot understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this. I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain. And that was against the law.

this line cracks me up. the first half is so serious & so profound...& then there's the last line which speaks for itself. haha, but seriously...i only hope that when i leave this world people are able to say that about me: "her eyes were closed and her heart was open."
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Edward Cole: I envy people who have faith, I just can't get my head around it.
Carter Chambers: Maybe because your head's in the way.

i'm pretty sure we (and by "we" i'm referring to my Christian family) all, at one point or another, have allowed our big heads to get in the way of our faith. theology really has the capability to ruin the beauty of His story...
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like i said, great movie. and just for kicks, i've started an ongoing bucket list of my own...:)

- spend some time in an orphanage
- write a book
- jump out of a plane (i've always wanted to, but after seeing the movie that desire was amplified even more!!!)
- witness a live birth (gross? i call it beautiful. i begged my sister to let me come in but she had a c-section...& i guess, if i'm lucky enough to check this off of my list, i'll have witnessed a miracle too!)
- record a CD (i have a really rough one w/ a couple of songs a friend & i made but we were just playing around :) )
- publish a piano book with my music
- get married & have a child...or 5
- go to hawaii
- go skiing in the colorado mountains
- bring my friends from india to america, even if just for the experience
- parasail
- witness a miracle (cliche? don't care, my list. :) )
- make a difference
- wear scrubs & walk around in a hospital w/ a stethascope around my neck. haha
(the booties, mouth/nose cover, & "hat" too but hey, i'd settle for just the first 2)
- run in a marathon...& not die.
- face my childohod fear & ride the "tower of terror" at disney world since i cried my way off of it the 1st time (back off, i was like 10)
- learn to snowboard AND surf

that's the extent of it for now...:) but even if i never get to do those things, i've experienced more than my share of blessings. i don't count myself lucky...just Loved beyond any understanding. and THAT, doesn't even begin to compare with anything else.

waiting.

so, i've decided that one of, if not the, hardest things in life is waiting.

- driving down the interstate just WAITING for the next exit because you drank way too much sweet tea & you're regretting it more & more with every mile marker you pass

- sitting in the car, engine off, periodically glancing in your rearview mirror WAITING for what seems like an hour just hoping that when the cop returns to your window he won't have that dreaded blue piece of paper in his hand that you can't afford to pay for

- sitting in the dr.'s office (after you've already been there an hour) in nothing but a paper sheet & socks (if you're lucky) while you hear people walking outside back & forth in front of your door and the dr. talking loudly to the sweet (but very old) lady in the next room just WAITING for him to come in & write your prescription

- sitting by the phone WAITING on that call back about one of the several thousand jobs it seems you've applied for because you're in desperate need of some $$...& then WAITING for that first paycheck which, inevitably, seems to be late...or wrong

- pacing back & forth at the hospital during the emergency surgery, the x-rays, the labor, or the tests just WAITING to hear that your loved one is ok

- lying in bed at night while your mind races and you begin to question any & everything stable and unstable in your life because you had too much coffee, the sheep are long gone & you're just WAITING until that moment when you finally fall asleep


you get the picture.

sometimes i wonder why we wish our lives away...constantly in a hurry up & wait mindset. can't wait to turn 13. can't wait to go to high school. can't wait to get our permit. can't wait to get our license. can't wait to go to the prom. can't wait to graduate. can't wait for college. can't wait to get out. can't wait to meet the one we're going to spend the rest of our lives with. can't wait to start our career. can't wait to get married. can't wait to have kids. can't wait to retire. can't wait to have grandkids. it's so hard to remember that this world is only temporary and isn't, or rather shouldn't, be what we're living for. it's so cliche to say "we're not promised another day" so i won't, but i will say that i have to remind myself that we're not promised any of the things society deems 'normal'. for example, not everyone gets married - has 2 kids, a house, & a dog. i never fully understood how paul could say that it was better to be single. but i think i've experienced just a taste of what he meant. it's too distracting - we lose focus. we forget that God blessed us with those friendships & relationships for a reason other than simply our selfish gain. we, ok - I get so caught up in what i'm trying to persue (friendships, relationships, schoolwork, degrees, jobs, etc.) that i leave no time for the only thing that really matters and in the end, although successful in the eyes of the world, am left feeling completely miserable, empty, & lost...WAITING for something to come along and make me "feel" better. somewhere along the lines, i fell into the trap - again - of believing in what i feel more than what i know & that never seems to go well.

so i want to be able to look back and really say i lived one day at a time. made the most of everyday i was alive...

WAITING ONLY for the day that i meet my Savior face-to-face.

i'll have to work on that.

come a long way.

wow.
so this domino effect thing happened. from what i can tell, here's what happened (i won't use names).
this guy made a blog.
his girlfriend then proceeded to make one as well.
the girlfriend's roommate fell into the loop & created one about gumballs & peanut butter.
a friend of the girlfriend's roommate decided she, too, desired to be in the "in" crowd & thought she'd blog as well.
HOWEVER, she stumbled across something she had long forgotten.

so i'm the friend of the girlfriend's roommate & apparently i had a blog long forgotten, but still in existence. needless to say, i've gotten a lot of amusement in reading the extremely boring posts. but it's pretty amazing to look back at everything God has done in my life since may'05. i'll update the page sometime soon, but for now i think it's pretty cool to leave things as they are...no, i'm not 19. no, i'm not at usc. & no, i'm not a music ed. major. like i said, i'll get to it.

i dont' know that anyone will ever read this other than me, but i'm ok with that. i've never been good at keeping up with a journal or blog - obviously...but finding this has really made me want to continue to try even if i only post every 2 or 3 years! a lot has happened since may '05...here are some updates (in reference to the previous posts...referred to in reverse chronological order - meaning, starting from the bottom up)

-the concert @ the horseshoe went well...and if i remember correctly, the weather was great.
-that was, in fact, my last semester ever with 5-day-a-week 8 am classes. praise the Lord. seriously. & i still have a crazy need for sleep.
-don't think i went to bcm's gender wars, but i do remember late night carolina which was pretty fun. one of my fondest memories from usc actually.
-we threw out the carpet. don't remember when though.
-i still have an incredible problem w/ procrastination - especially where packing is concerned. it took me a complete year to unpack after india. yes, i just finished this past december.
-i never finished left behind. i actually don't think i ever got past p. 21. guess i spoke too soon - no surprise. i do, however, enjoy reading now though. never would have thought that!
-my sister & her husband (the one i said had a daughter in the may 7th post now has TWO & my other sister got married. :)
-i still get burnt & itchy in the tanning bed. tmi?
-i DID, in fact, have my wisdom teeth taken out that summer and it has proven to be one of the worst experiences ever. the surgeon damaged some nerves and after many trials (steroids, steroid shots in the mouth, prescriptions, etc.) over the next year i stopped going to see the surgeon. he didn't know what he was doing and didn't want to get sued. the damage is permanent and three years later, i still can't feel half of my tongue. i know, weird - believe me, you don't have to tell me. i now am petrified of the dentist b/c it's too painful. does THAT make sense? no, not at all. i've learned to live with it.
-living in seneca still, well, stinks but it's another thing i've learned to live with.
- camp that summer was absolutely AMAZING & changed my life in SO many ways. that's another post for another day though. it was so amazing that i returned in '06 & '07. i may return this summer too, but it's a decision i'm praying about. i'll definitely be doing some kind of summer camp missions this summer though.
-i did write a few more guitar songs, but "meet me here" is still one of my favorites. another favorite is one i started while in india - inspired by a little boy who stumbled in a music shop one day where i was...again, that's another post. i wrote a handful of piano songs since then too. music is one of the few things i'm utterly passionate about. if i share that with you, don't take it lightly. that means something.
-i did have the phone interview for the RA position at usc. obviously, i didn't get it - i didn't ever go back! :)

so i think i addressed everything that needed to be addressed. like i said, God has done so many things since the summer of 2005. i have no idea where to begin in unraveling the story of my life since the last post. wow.

one thing hasn't changed: i'm still living one day at a time...

more later, a girl's gotta sleep! :)