2008

looking back on 2008, i remember so many things i am blessed with and thankful for!!! it was a good year :)

- my baptism - oct. 4, 2008
- quite possibly my favorite summer at camp la vida - getting to live & work one-on-one with 115+ girls in CABIN 1 :)
- graduating from NGU
- new spiritually encouraging, Christ-centered friendships
- a great work environment
- tuesday night game nights @ ngu
- a break from school work - taking only 6 hours rather than 19 or 22
- random road trips (texas, wake forest, the beach, etc.)
- jonathan owen's birth
- sandie & david are pregnant with a little girl! :)
- writing music
- taking lots of pictures
- attending newspring on sunday nights
- LOTS of one-on-one conversations with great friends
- letting go of unhealthy relationships
- truly listening to the Lord
- FAUX!!!
- skiing with the family in nc

...& so much more!! thank the Lord for an AWESOME year!! :)

in everything.

i've never before been given, by the Lord, the words & melodies to a song so quickly or so easily, but two nights ago the Lord blessed me with this piece of music & it completely pumped me up & rocked my world. i've never been one to share what i write - or, rather, what He writes through me - but this time i feel led to. the words are precious to my heart...i do see the Lord in the small things - in everything...and that's what this song is all about. i hope it's as much a blessing to someone else as it has been to me. use it. share it. most of all - i pray that you worship.



In Everything - romans 11:36
december 23, 2008

Capo 5 (Piano in key of D...i think)
Vs. 1
G D
I see You in the morning sky
Em D C
And I see You in the night
G D
I hear You in the voice of babes
Em D C
And in the widow’s cry

Chorus
G D
Hosanna You’re always there
Em D C
Hallelujah to my King
G D
Sweet Yahweh You’re my one true love
Em D C
I see You in everything
Em D C
I see You in everything

Vs. 2
G D
I feel You in the melodies
Em D C
And I know You’re oh so near
G D
I feel You smiling down on me
Em D C
And Your face I see so clear (repeat line)

Chorus (X2)

Bridge
C
As I stand on Your shore
D
And gaze into Your waves
G
Feel Your sands underneath
C
I’m swept up in Your grace
Em D
I get a glimpse into heaven
C D
As You whisper my name
C D
At the water I meet You
C D
I call out and say

Chorus (X2)

**Oh, & Merry Christmas...remember why we celebrate!

so quickly Stale...

[warning: this is yet another post stemming from an everyday moment that i took a spiritual lesson from...]

last night i finally started the ever-dreaded Christmas shopping. yes, i'm well aware that Christmas is in 4 days, but refer to my last post and you will gain a glimpse into why i've waited so long to start shopping. anyway, while i was on the run frantically trying to make it from store to store before they closed i grabbed yet another quick, fast-food dinner - which i've grown to hate...no, absolutely loathe! if you know anything about me, you know my love for green beans. let's just say my taste buds are experiencing an extreme case of G.B.D. (green bean deprivation). on with the story...so i scarfed down half my "meal" and headed in a store...the food was too hot to eat anyway. forty minutes or so later when i returned to the car, i was ready to finish eating and when i took my first bite i was absolutely disgusted. it was cold, hard, and tasteless. i found myself thinking - i didn't know it was possible for something once so good to turn SO bad SO quickly!! and then it hit me that the Lord probably thinks that about my walk with Him...and thinks it often.

my walk with the Lord tends to teeter between ON FIRE one moment and ABSOLUTELY DRY & THIRSTY the next. it takes only a day or two of my neglecting time with the Lord before i realize i've so quickly grown stale...again. consistency is hard, but necessary. i cannot do it alone. it is only by His grace & mercy that my relationship with Him exists and continual growth is possible.

Lord, pour your favor out on me and quench the thirst in my soul that only you can satisfy. forgive me for neglecting You time and time again. bring me to my knees in humility everyday and once i'm facedown on the floor, be the strength i need to lift my head & lock eyes with only You. renew a desire within me for time with You when the flame You've ignited flickers because of my selfishness. fuel the fire that burns within me and draw others to the flames.

i have issues with holidaymas.

i've debated for over a week about whether or not to post what's been on my mind, but i really feel led to. i pray that it doesn't offend anyone but that it speaks to your hearts & makes you take a step back from the holiday chaos and really consider what it is you're doing all this for.

i've always said i have issues with Christmas, but really - i don't have issues with Christmas...i have issues with what Christmas has turned into: holidaymas. or rather, holiday-MESS. it's not about Christ. christians got all upset last year when the cashiers at wal-mart started saying "happy holidays" rather than merry Christmas but we're not showing them that december 25th should be about Christ anyway so what should we expect. stop getting mad at others for taking Christ out of Christmas - they learned it from you. they learned it from us.

i've never understood Christmas presents. don't get me wrong, i LOVE santa & all the memories i have growing up of 4am Christmas mornings. Christmas eve rolled around and my sister always built me a tent to sleep in. i'd wake up 2 hours later and RUN to my sisters' room & jump on one of their beds...always the oldest one's...she was more of a morning person. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. it happened about 4 times before i eventually made progress. rather than telling me to go back to sleep the response then turned into "go wake up mom & dad and then we'll get up." so i'd RUN to mom & dad's room and tell them (of course) that christie & sandie were up and wanted me to come get them up. they'd tell me to go back to sleep. again, i'd repeat that process about 3 more times until more progress was made. eventually someone got up. then we had to wait on sandie to brush her teeth and dad to grab the camera...and mom would strategically place us in the right position so dad could take the perfect picture when we finally saw what santa surprised us with. good times.

like i said, i love santa. i love those memories. but i think somewhere between 16 & 22 the Lord stirred something within me that won't go away. my family started a tradition many years ago of not giving gifts. we take a trip...usually skiing. we just spend time together. make memories...don't waste money on useless things.

i was talking with a friend the other day. Christmas is so messed up. we spend all this time & effort making lists of things we want and giving them to people so they can buy them and then we are supposed to act surprised. starting on thanksgiving day people go CRAZY shopping. we spend HUNDREDS of dollars (if not MUCH MORE) on STUFF. why??

we give one another gifts one day a year all because Jesus died on a cross & rose from the dead? something is seriously messed up.

Christmas trees should remind us of the wood the Lord was nailed to...
Christmas trees should remind us of the wood His blood poured out onto...
Christmas trees should remind us of new life & growth that comes only through His death & resurrection...
Christmas trees should remind us that when He is a part of our lives, when we invite Him into our hearts - our homes - His fragrance overtakes & overwhelms us (just like the smell of a freshly cut tree fills our home for a time)...
Christmas trees should NOT remind us of the presents undernearth.

sometimes i think the Lord's heart breaks more on Christmas day than any other day of the year.

i feel like i need a disclaimer here...i write out of a broken heart, but i write knowing that i'm just as much at fault for this as anyone else. this year our family is doing the gift thing. while i'm not really happy about it, i asked for things i shouldn't have. things that cost my family something. things that require sacrifice in order for me to have. shame on us. shame on me.

i didn't even have to ask Him for His sacrifice - a sacrifice that cost Him his life. & the one day set aside to remember that sacrifice...we ask for more.

just something to chew on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVqqj1v-ZBU

drastic measures: a call to beautiful brokenness.

so i've started three blogs over the last 2-3 weeks, but haven't actually finished or posted any of them. they've all been on my mind, but this one i really want to put out there. a dear friend shared a song with me recently that has quickly become one of my favorites. we had a conversation about how some people hear this song and just don't get it. ever since then i've thought about it - really listened to the words, taken them in, and chewed hard on them. to me, it speaks volumes! in its words is such a raw, powerful message. i heard someone recently say that isaiah, in the presence of the Lord, was completely ruined. someone else said that every believer needs to be broken...utterly and completely broken at some point in their life. i couldn't agree more with both. the Lord definitely had to bring me to a breaking point in order for me to genuinely come to know Him. sometimes He has to take drastic measures. & that's what this song speaks to...so here are the lyrics in grey & how the Lord has spoken to my heart about them in blue.

"rend" - jimmy needham

You’ve been tarnished
And you’ve been stained
And all the varnish you’ve used to cover up with is peeling away

My child,
so you messed up. you messed up royally. you turned your back on Me. you allowed things into your life that you never thought you would. you allowed satan to overcome and overwhelm...for a time. those things will always be a part of your life - your history. you hide them. you try and cover them...but you need to let go. you need to let me rip away the things in your life that are keeping you separated from the Love i want to lavish upon you. you cannot hide any longer. stop hiding. stop running.

Yet even now,
return to me
with nothing less Than your wounded, broken heart

i do not care what you have done - where you have allowed yourself to go. return to me. all you need to do is return. i didn't leave your side - you left Mine. seeing your broken heart breaks Mine. so come back to me. bring all the broken pieces back and i will put them back together. i'm the only One who can put them back together. lift them up to Me, My child.

and cling to Me, your gracious King
Be shattered glass of empty jars
and rend Rend, rend, rend

let go of everything and everyone that's not Me that's holding you back from My Love, My grace, My forgiveness. run to Me. cling to Me. i will hold you. My arms are outstretched - you just have to grab hold of them. come back to Me, my child. come back. i've broken and emptied you out...i need you to return to me with nothing. rend your heart, Child. drastic times call for drastic measures. you have strayed so far away...run back, Child. run back. i'll meet you halfway. and when we meet, rend to me everything. rend to me your heart. if you can't bring yourself to do it, just allow Me to do it for you. but you have to let Me.

[rend: –verb
1. to separate into parts with force or violence
2.to tear apart, split, or divide
3. to pull or tear violently
4. to tear (one's garments or hair) in grief, rage, etc.
5. to disturb (the air) sharply with loud noise.
6. to harrow or distress (the heart) with painful feelings
7. to become torn or split]

DESTROY those things that are not of Me, from Me, for Me. it will hurt, it will be painful...but i love you and i need you to trust that i know best. let me ruin you for My glory. do not be afraid to tell Me how you feel. if it angers you, tell me. if it saddens you, cry out to Me. i can take it. i want to take it...away. just do not turn your back on Me again, My child. i need you broken and emptied of EVERYTHING so that i can fill you with Me again - only Me. i am a jealous God who loves you more than you can ever imagine. i just want to be your Everything. just let Me. let me break you in order than everything else can be poured out and i can enter the places in Your life you have pushed me out of.

Rend your hearts

I don’t need a grand display
Show me that your heart has changed
I don’t need a show
Only just to know
your own heart breaks

rend

My only desire is that you return. i have no expectations. just return with a broken & changed heart. allow Me to see your brokeness. you are never more beautiful than when you allow Me to see your brokeness. allow Me to fix it. i can...and i will. i love you. more than you know. more than you can comprehend. let Me put it all back together. i sing these words over you. i've sung them every minute of everyday since you turned your back...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWqDpiWgQkk

just lift the broken pieces of your life up to Me, Child. lift up your beautiful brokeness to Me...i will put them back together.

i love you,

Dad

ruin me.

I am a city – built by the one true God. You are my Lord. My very best friend. The meaning behind my tears. No one compares. No one comes close. You bring out in me something I cannot explain. Greater things Lord are yet to come in this city Lord. Greater things are yet to come in my heart, Father. I hurt, but I hurt because you want better for me. You are teaching me. You are stretching me. You are growing me. You are the light in my darkness. You bring peace and forgiveness and mercy I do not deserve. I cling to the hope that you are not finished with me. I am so unclean. I am so unworthy. You are so gracious and you wrap your arms around this filthy sinner with the promise that greater things are yet to come. You are not finished with me. No one compares. I have no idea what You have in store…but it’s greater. Far greater than I can imagine. I surrender to You God. Nothing is sweeter than the brokenness I feel in the most vulnerable moments of worship to You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d61LamkXfwk

Ruin me. I’ve done a pretty good job of ruining some pretty amazing opportunities to share Your love with others. You are so holy; I am so filthy. Continue to remind me of my filth, Lord. Ruin my life of the plans that I’ve made. Ruin these eyes for my own selfish gain. Destroy these idols. God, I don’t live for you alone. I live for you, too. Give me the strength to change that. Be my strength. Ruin me everyday Lord…no matter how much I beg You to stop. You will never be finished with me. I am stubborn. I am foolish. I am so immature. I don’t know how to love like You.

Teach me.
Two years? Really?
Show me, Father. And give me the strength not to question You.

blessed & thankful.

to everyone i can think of off the top of my head who has every had any positive influence on my life, with or without their knowing it:

"i thank my God every time i remember you." phil. 1:3

Jesus. mom. dad. christie. sandie. schuyler. david. elena. saige. baby walker. grandmommy. granddaddy. aunt lynda. uncle mike. bryan. lauren. aunt pam. uncle jerry. amy. jake. noah. uncle mike. kim. robin. michael. john. shirley. cheryl p. sonny. karen. amanda m. rebekah. heather. joy. elizabeth t. elizabeth d. hannah k. cindy. tammy. evelyn. amanda v. kerry g. joya. amy r. lucy. amye. kayla-brendan. austin. flory. troy. ms. beverly. gail. jon. brett. ashleyking. kristina. laura. julie. india. nicole. the lees. brandy. melissa. tausha. amy g. heather g. amanda d. amanda h. chasity. brittany d. hope. rachel. evelyn. katie m. katie c. molly. bill. molly f. karmen. kim. megan. jordan. summer. derek. justin. jonathan. ms. mary. perry. porter. blair. gloria. kara. leanne. leigh-anne b. leigh-anne t. wangchuck. ben. jordy. rhea. lois. tom. mary b. vic. page. all my campers. my 6th-8th grade girls. morgan. bree. lindsay. keisha. kaydee. ashley. stephanie. becky. jessica n. annab. jenna m. stephanie. lamb. skip. jack. mike. kristie. andrea. shaquitta. mr. owen. ms. thompson. dr. gaddis. mr. mac. s-kahl. s-dobson. susan. steve. haley. kendra. jamie. nez. jenna. edwin. kimi. pema. sonam. christina. jon v. kevin. john. heidi. mckinley. jimmy. joanna. g. franny. bekah. adam. jack. christian. brianna. stella. seth. amanda b. patrick m. crystal j. samantha. alice. maggie. rut. angie. lisa. jenny. michael. miranda. sarah b. bryna. lawrence. ms. kim. steve. jenna. bekah r. miles. will. edwin l. nikki gr. niki c. ricki c. cliff. jill b. erica. tracy. morgan d/c. michael h. hadassah. nikki g. ali q. ms. sally.

& the list goes on & on...

we are blessed beyond measure.

the dust still settles.

you should know i'm a little OCD about being clean...& part of me honestly believes this semester the Lord has been laughing & telling/teaching me to chill out.


see, this semester i have spent an unruly amount of time in my car. between traveling to & from ngu once a week and to & from anderson once a week, i've put many a thousand miles on my car. i say "many" because i really have no idea how many it's actually been...but trust me, it' s a lot. not to mention the miles added due to all this recent traveling, visiting different seminaries across the country. put it this way, i've spent more time in my car than in my bedroom over the last 3 months. all that to say, i do a lot of thinking while i travel. yesterday on my way to school, this hit me...


my car is filthy. i've pretty much been living out of a suitcase and have become extremely frustrated with my inability to keep my room clean. yesterday i realized my car was just as bad. here's why:


monday - work/pack for school
tuesday - work/travel to ngu/class/chill with my favorite ladies
wednesday - SLEEP!! :)/more chilltime w/ my ladies/class/travel home
thursday - work AT SIX AM/sleep/run errands - whatever needs to be done at home
friday - work
saturday - (if i don't have to work) unpack finally and get my schoolwork done
sunday - (if i don't have to work) church w/ my parents/lunch/travel to anderson for newspring :)
monday - starts the process over again.


little to no time is left for cleaning.
so pretty much, there is ONE day a week when i don't have a suitcase in my floor. so many times i've just felt like there aren't enough hours in a day. sleep, despite my DEEP LOVE & APPRECIATION FOR IT, has been put on the back burner this semester...haha...BUT...it's ok b/c the Lord has been beyond gracious. He has blessed me with some pretty off-the-chain friendships who i wouldnt' trade for the world. i digress...


back to the dirty room/car. yesterday when i realized how filthy my car was i mainly noticed the heavy layer of dust that long ago began settling on my dash. it disgusted me. at home, i guess it's easier to grasp the fact that this whole cleanliness thing is a neverending battle. there, i've come to terms with the fact that i don't have time to keep the room straight, much less actually clean. but my car?? i cleaned it once this semester and just expected that to suffice. HOW had it gotten so dirty? and it hit me:

**whether i intentionally neglect time with the Lord and turn my back on that one-on-one time with Him OR i just fail to make time despite my desire for time with Him one thing still stands true...the dust still settles. i wind up just as spiritually unclean either way. i can't just expect that He knows i desire time with Him and think that's enough. everyday is a neverending battle. EVERYday i must get up, seek His face, and shake off the dust of my filth.

God speaks to me through the small things in life. yesterday i saw His hand in a dirty room...don't let the dust settle.

hope for one day.

so being the technically challenged individual that i am, i could not figure out how to post this video in the actual post - go figure. nevertheless, i definitely recommend chris tomlin's latest cd entitled "hello love"

i DARE you to watch this video & really listen to the words. if it doesn't affect you, i'd reconsider what you're living your life for...& make sure to see it all the way to the end - the bridge is, without question, the best part. enough said ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QsS190dZTs

consistently cold.

WARNING: the following thoughts occurred to me at 6:45am on thursday morning, over a cup of $0.40 gas station coffee, while sitting in the parking lot of cvs. take that for what it's worth.

several times this week i've found myself shivering. that's right...just flat out cold. i assumed it was the culmination of two things: 1) my darling mother who refuses to turn the heat on in the house until, & i quote, "you can't stand it anymore" because, & again i quote, "the power company says" it's most efficient. [no matter how many layers you must put on, blankets you add to the bed, or how frozen your appendages (i like that word) are in the early morning hours] OR 2) the weather FINALLY changing and my stubborn refusal to wear closed-toes shoes, anything but shorts, and sleep with two fans on. regardless of reason or blame, though, i've been cold.

so yesterday morning when my alarms - yes, i have to have 2 - started screaming at 5:45 and faux began meowing and pawing at my face incessantly to make them stop, i awoke to find that i could not feel my nose nor could i feel my right hand...the ONLY things not covered by 3 blankets. i did NOT look forward to the moment when i had to move the blankets and the cold air would rush to the rest of my body. if you know me at all, you know i'm anything but a morning person. so when i finally talked myself into rolling out of bed, i immediately began grumbling the following...

"two fans, seriously? it's frickin' cold in here. miserably cold."

"faux - i love you but shut up."

"i seriously can't feel anything."

"i hate the mornings."

"India."

which finally brings me to the actual point of this blog. let me unpack that last statement. several years ago i spent Christmas and new year's in northern india. prior to the trip, my team of four and i met with the missionaries we were to meet over there. they prepared us in every way possible for what we would encounter. one thing that i have always remembered them saying was about the weather. in the winter - in the mountains of india - it's flat out cold. they kept repeating it over and over. so, of course, being the inexperienced traveler that i am, i immediately thought of igloos and eskimos. i was soon corrected when they said, "it actually doesn't get too much colder in india than it does here in the winter; however, the problem is they don't have heat...so they never have a break from the cold."

so as i sat in my car before work this morning i still was absolutely freezing. thoughts of india flooded my mind as i sat spoiled in my personal car, wrapped up in clean clothes i had not already worn this week, drinking a cup of hot coffee made with clean water, and with the heat on full blast. all i could think about was how cold i was and how much my inability to get warm reminded me of those three weeks. and it hit me...

in reference to our walks with the Lord, the problem is not in how cold we are at times, rather it is in our inability to warm back up to Him. being cold isn't the issue - it's when we are consistently cold that it causes real misery.

no matter how far we may stray from the Lord at times, no matter how much of a cold shoulder we may turn to Him...we can always turn back. the problem is not a disaster when it's temporary. when we refuse to do our part, though, in growing that relationship we have become consistently cold to Him. when we refuse to spend that quiet time in prayer and in His Word, that is when we have lost all sense of true priority and that is when our lives begin to fall apart.

maybe that's not quite as much of a wow-moment for you as it was for me...but i thought it was AWESOME! it's encouraging to be reminded that we all fall short at times...we all turn the cold shoulder to the One whose arms remain open. but it's ok. just don't allow satan to seep in and tempt you to grow consistently cold.

funny thing is, i got so caught up in my thoughts that i didn't realize how hot it was getting in the car. you know, that "i'm suffocating because of the heat" feeling! it's terrible. and what's more, i opened my Bible and read a verse that said "walk in the light of the fire". i get it, God...You've got jokes. good one.