His relentless stance

so today i took at 2 1/2 hour nap & it was, quite possibly, the highlight of my week. i take that back...there were actually a LOT of highlights.
- i got to go skiing (okay, the end of last week...but it counts) w/ my best friend & some of my amazing family. just so you know - skiing, my family, & my friends are definitely all at the top of my 'favorites' list
- i got to spend the remainder of the weekend w/ my best friend & didn't have to work AT ALL
- i had an amazing birthday even though i was in class from 9:25am-9pm (ok, so i got out a little early) & spent every break i had in the library studying for a biological psychology exam for my 6pm class. just a side note to say: it was incredibly difficult...take your hardest bio. class + your hardest pscy. class, add them together and you get = exactly what it sounds like. & THEN i had to go back & start the process all over again, studying for my psychopharmacology exam the next night. it was even harder. nevertheless, i was surprised at midnight on feb. 12 by some amazing friends & continued to be surprised all day w/ messages, notes, phone calls, mail, etc. :) thanks everybody! i don't deserve people like you in my life!
- i've made some really (pardon my usage of the following word) cool new friends these past 2 weeks or so...staying on campus every weekend isn't such a bummer after all. we make our own fun...& it sure beats being on the road all the time
- i've learned to let go of friendships that bring me down emotionally. it still hurts, but i've smiled a lot more lately...& it wasn't a fake, "i'm smiling b/c i don't want you to ask me what's wrong" kind of smile - and THAT says a lot. i still get frustrated, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.
- someone i love was in a wreck...and God completely wrapped His arms around her, & the situation in general, all day. everyone's ok & brett gets a new car. haha...

& on and on i could go. anyway none of that has anything to do with why i started this post. what i meant to get at was that because of my nap i'm now wide awake at 3am. so what does a 21st century young adult do in the middle of the night...clean out the email account, of course. i ran across some emails from the past year that were from some close friends. well, we're not close anymore...i don't even know that we're friends by some definitions. it really saddens me, but God's in control. like i said, i find myself getting frustrated - a LOT...why don't they seem to care? how could they just walk away? why don't people believe me when i've been there for them all along? i'll stop there...you get the picture. anyway, one thing a certain someone said to me was this:
"Remember, He (God) has one relentless stance towards us: He loves us. That is amazing."
how true is that? & how often do i forget that? idk, i was just reminded tonight that earthly relationships rarely ever last - & that scares me more than most anything - yet His love, His opinion of us never changes. He never walks away.

& that's the reason for my smile.

one other thing...i also found this - it was written a little differently, but i've edited it some. i think it's a beautiful depiction of a true relationship with the Lord...if we're honest.

"You are real. You are faithful. I just have to believe. I'm scared, and I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. But I know that somewhere along the way, I never really found You. You found me. It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. You're there, I don't deserve it, I don't understand it. But You are still there. Regardless the fact that I told You You weren't real, You're still there. You're still around.

I am in need of Your love. I have to learn how to accept it. I don't know how, I don't know why. But You do love me. It doesn't make any sense. I hate that it doesn't make any sense.

There is power in prayer. A lot of power. I decided to maybe not accept God's love, but learn how to. I don't know what's there, or even why You're there, but I do know I need You. I need that peace in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm sorry that I am so all over the board. I am really working on this whole truth thing. I'm working on it, and it's hard, but there is better. I know there's better, I believe there's better.

So, I say all of that to say, I believe in prayer. I believe in You. I believe that You found me, I believe that You are there. I know I don't deserve You. I know that I can do nothing without You. I've tried, and look where I am. I know that You are there. I believe. I have faith. I trust that. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that without reason, You do love me. I am Your child. It doesn't make sense, but I'm learning that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense. For so long, I have put up this wall, I have built up this barricade, this fortress, that nobody can break through. I was so afraid to let people in. I still am. But I'm trying. I am terrified to let You see me vulnerable, and bare. Without the walls, without the protection, and without escape. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I did this to protect my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, and in the process I shut out everybody, and everything, and I hurt them. I am so sorry. There are not enough ways to say it. I don't really know how to put it into words. But i realize now that You've already seen me vulnerable, broken, & bare without my walls, without protection, and without escape. More importantly, I realize I don't need to try to protect my heart - You are my heart.
You need to know that I will push. I will. I don't even want to because I need You and I know I need You. So I don't want You to be out of my life, but I'm just scared. So, I'm going to push. I will. I am trying not to, and I am trying to let You in. I do trust You. I'm just having to learn how to. I don't really know how to do it, I'm just trying. I am sorry for pushing You away, it's just my defense. It's just another wall. Another barricade and another fortress. It's how I escape. I put up walls. I hide, and I will try to hurt You before You can hurt me kind of thing. But I know You bore all the hurt so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I'm not even sure if I should say all of this, but I need to say it. You know it already.

Basically, I don't deserve Your amazing Grace, but for some reason, You give it. You are there. I do want to do Your will. I do want to be emptied of me. I do want to tell others. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I feel so broken and ridiculous, but I know You're there. I know You give grace, and I want to accept it. I believe it.
& that is the Truth."

talk about a "sinner's prayer"...i'll say amen to that.