beautiful.

the past 24-hours have been an absolute whirlwind. with such major decisions right at hand, i've found myself face down on the floor several times pleading with the Lord for guidance. yet, despite that awareness of how dependent i have to be on Him, i've neglected good time with Him. thankfully, this morning was quite different.

i've been reading off and on since last year through the book of acts. i have a problem though...i never finish books...whether it's sparks, chan, or paul...i just can't do it. i get ridiculously 'distracted' [maybe a more optimistic way of looking at it would be to say i get ridiculously 'caught up'] in detail. and i continue reading and rereading the same passages [or chapters] in whatever book i'm in at the time. without fail, every time i learn or notice something i hadn't previously.

so for probably the 5th time this year, i started the book of acts. last time i cracked it open, i was sitting in the heathrow airport in london during a 9-hour layover and the Lord blew me away with 1) the life of Judas & 2) the promise of joy in His presence...but that's another post for another day. this morning, chapter 3 caused me to put on the brakes.

the man who sat - BEGGING everyday - at the gate called Beautiful...right OUTSIDE the temple.
i've been that man.
i think we all have...or maybe we still are that man.

this man was crippled...literally & physically crippled...for his entire life. it consumed him. someone carried him everyday to the gate outside the temple and left him there to beg. he begged for what he thought he needed. alms. money. food. something to simply sustain him. why that someone didn't carry him TO the temple...just a LITTLE further is something we'll never know. but maybe that's because we can't rely on others to maintain our spiritual lives. yes, they can encourage...but they can't force us into the presence of the Lord. what kind of relationship with the Father would that be?? this man settled for less than the best. so do we. he was satisfied sitting at the gate called Beautiful OUTSIDE the temple...

and when he finally got up [actually 'lept' up!] and made his way INTO the temple...he rejoiced. and the people noticed. the people saw his life change. "and they were filled with wonder and amazement...utterly astounded" [3:9-11]

we get caught up in uncontrollable circumstances. we think we know what we should ask for. we think we know who can give us those things...or answers. we seek to take control of the situation. we think we know best. and we're SO CLOSE to the very thing we need the most, and yet we're so ignorant to the fact. so we continue...everyday...pleading for the things that ultimately don't matter. and nothing ever changes.

where are you? living day to day sitting outside at the gate called Beautiful, settling for simply begging for what you think you need to get by and maintain a sufficient life? or are you in the temple, in His presence, among the people, leaping and praising the Lord for His work in your life?

i've been that man.
i think we all have...or maybe we still are...
but...
it's time to get up.

honestly.

*among a chaotic morning & the many frustrations of the last week, i found this today on a friend of a friend's profile...& i stole it. so although i take absolutely no credit for the eloquence of the words, it does speak the truths of my heart. encouraging.*

I am not a simple person with a simple story. I have been through a lot and I have made many mistakes. I do not have my life all together in a neat little package, nor do I have any clue as to what my future holds.

But,
in all honestly,
I love my complexity,
I cherish my history for the resilience birthed from it,
I value my mistakes for what God has taught me through them,
and I would like nothing more than to remain BLIND to the will of God for my life
so that I can walk solely trusting and wholly surrendered to Him.

I am the worst of sinners
who recognizes the cost of the cross Jesus Christ paid for MY restoration
so that I may approach the Creator and the Sustainer of all things,
the Alpha and the Omega,
the LORD God,
Almighty as my Abba.

All I want from my life is to live in complete submission and wholehearted servanthood to my Master doing whatever He asks me to do and going wherever he asks me to go.

Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for YOU are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long. According to your steadfast love, remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on Earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
~Ephesians 3: 14-21

used.

fear of the future
fear of the past
fear that good feelings & smiles will soon pass
when the memories surface
and thoughts overcome
where will i focus
what will be?? or what's done?
parts of my story bring regret and much shame
& though the past is the past
that's not where it always stays
everyday i'm reminded
who i could so easily be
if I do not cling to the grace poured down on me
He's taught me that beauty Will surface when rain -
His rain pours out & drenches the shame
i did what i did.
what's done is done.
but He's covered it all with the blood of His Son.
so those fears of the future
& those fears of the past
they will not overcome-
they will not last...

He will use the past.

"but God"

if i was asked to sum up the gospel in two words, i'd simply say "BUT GOD"
no matter what, "BUT GOD"
the world was created in perfection, for Perfection & man fell...BUT GOD
throughout history man falls into idolatry...BUT GOD
passions of the flesh...BUT GOD
pride, poverty, oppression...BUT GOD
hatred, injustice, suffering...BUT GOD
shame, fear...BUT GOD
our past...BUT GOD...

He is freedom
God is hope
God is mercy
God is Truth
God is grace
God is joy
God is peace
God is light
God is rescue
God is healer
God is great
God is Life.

a song about this God & how he reaches out to those who are hurting.

"but God"

vs. 1
i don't know how much you're hurting, but you don't know how much i care
& i don't know how else to help you, but lift up lonely, silent prayers

vs. 2
let me tell you my story - i was lost & i was scared
i'd pushed away the ones who loved me - chasing dreams goin nowhere

pre-chorus
but two words changed my life - two simple words they washed me white
two words changed my life - two simple words turned darkness to light

chorus
BUT GOD - in all His grace took my mistakes to draw me into Him
BUT GOD - He broke my chains, He paved the Way to healing & freedom
BUT GOD

vs. 3
caught in a web of lies, drowning in shame
suffering my own demise - choosing my life, my way
you're caught in a web of lies, drowning in shame
suffering your own demise - choosing your life, your way

pre-chorus
but two words can change your life - two simple words can wash you white
two words can change your life - two simple words turn dark to light

chorus
BUT GOD - in all His grace took my mistakes to draw me into Him
BUT GOD - He broke my chains, He paved the Way to healing & freedom
BUT GOD - in all His grace takes your mistakes to draw you into Him
BUT GOD - He'll break those chains, He's paved the Way to healing and freedom, healing and freedom, healing & freedom

bridge
He turned my shame into healing, my darkness to light
my bondage to freedom, my death into life
He'll turn your shame into healing, your darkness to light
your bondage to freedom, your death into life

BUT GOD...

what do i know?

tired-

of hearing my own words,
or those of everyone else...

everyone but You.
this is my prayer tonight:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D8fSjtPLuBQ

i made You promises a thousand times
i try to hear from Heaven but i TALK THE WHOLE TIME
i think i made You TOO SMALL
i NEVER FEARED YOU at all, no
if You touched my face WOULD I KNOW YOU?
looked into my eyes, could i BEHOLD YOU?

WHAT DO I KNOW of You who spoke me into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean
are You fire - are You fury?
are You sacred - are You beautiful?
so what do i know?
WHAT DO I KNOW OF HOLY?

i guess I THOUGHT that i had figured You out
I KNEW all the stories & i learned to talk about
about how You were mighty to save
THOSE WERE only EMPTY WORDS on a page
then i caught a GLIMPSE OF who YOU might be
the slightest hint of You BROUGHT ME DOWN TO MY KNEES

so what do i know of You who spoke me into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are You fire - are You fury?
are You sacred - are You beautiful?
so WHAT DO I KNOW?
what do i know of holy?

what do i know of holy?
what do i know of WOUNDS THAT WILL HEAL MY SHAME????
and a God WHO GAVE LIFE IT'S NAME?
WHAT DO I KNOW OF HOLY?
of the One who the angels praise?
ALL CREATION KNOWS Your name
honored in Heaven above
WHAT DO I KNOW OF THIS LOVE?

so what do i know of You who spoke ME into motion?
where have i even stood but the shore along Your ocean?
are You fire - are You fury?
are You sacred - are You beautiful?
Lord, what do i know - what do i know of holy?
what do i know of holy?
oh, oh WHAT DO I KNOW...
OF HOLY?

i will NEVER know enough to fully understand You-
Your greatness
Your sovereignty
Your thoughts
Your worth
Your mind
Your strength
Your ways
Your might
Your reasons
Your Love
Your grace
Your forgiveness
Your discipline
Your understanding
Your faithfulness
Your plans
Your life
Your voice
Your HEART.

what do i know of holy?

summer #5

for the past four days i've been at camp mcCall going through waterfront lifeguarding/cpr/first aid certification. it was fun...but it was COLD!!! they don't call is lake chillywater without just cause. add 4 days of constant rain and 60-70 degree temps...and it makes for some "nice" swimming conditions! this morning when the GUYS were shivering and turning PURPLE (no exaggeration...at all)...our instructor called for a break. so we all went in and crowded under the hot water in the showers. it was a nice break from the shivering...but it made the water seem even colder when we had to get back in for backboarding & in-line search and rescue training. i can't say i've ever been in water that cold...getting out made your skin burn. it kind of felt like i'd rubbed an entire tube of icy hot all over my body. but seriously, like i said, it WAS fun :)

now it's off to camp la vida for summer #5. couldn't be more excited!! :) in the process of applying for the jman program, too. pray for the summer...and for that process!!

p.s. Mail is GREAT!! :) and GREATLY APPRECIATED!! :)

218 LaVida Road
Winnsboro, SC 29180

have an awesome summer!

our walk.

having just graduated from college in december and having many friends graduating in just a few short days, i've just recently been reminded of where i was just a few years ago. i find myself in a very familiar place. a place of fear, but a place of excitement. a place where i have no idea what's truly in front of me, but a place where i'm excited to be. i think some of you can relate.

on june 4th, 2004 i read these words to my fellow peers...

* * * * * * * * * * *

tonight we graduate. right now, i am supposed to stand before you and offer a few words of advice about teh future, but honestly how much more do i know about the future than any of you who are seated before me? i do not want to stand here and give you hollow words; what i mean is that i want my speech to you - my classmates - to have substance and value. for the next few minutes, i simply want to make you think. most of us probably hoped the "thinking" part of high school was over, but humor me and try it one more time.

we, as the class of 2004, are about to take the walk we have looked forward to taking for the last twelve years. one by one our names will be called, and with a smile and a simple handshake, we will receive our diplomas and return to our assigned seats. but then what? yes, some of us may go through another graduation exercise sometime in the near future-from military training or college- but even then the question will remain, "now what?"

the path leading us to our graduation walk tonight is the result of choices we have made along the way- some good and some bad. whether we realized it or not, everyday that we rolled out of bed and stumbled into the doors of BHS, we made a choice: we chose to stay in school - to learn - to better prepare ourselves for the future. tonight, we are being granted a reward for that choice.

an even more important walk in life also requires that we make a choice. we must choose to be different - we much choose to be a minority rather than simply a part of the majority. tonight we wear our school colors with pride; our black and gold cap and gowns symbolizing our unity as a group. we are the graduating class of 2004. But, it is time to find out who we really are. it is time to stand up. it is time to stand out. it is time to be individuals. the other walk i am speaking of is our spiritual walk in life. it is the single-most important walk we will ever take - more important than a walk to receive a diploma or even a walk down an aisle to marry the love of our lives. it is the walk that leads to our eternal reward. as we eagerly anticipate the moment when we will finally receive our diplomas - the pieces of paper considered to be valuable tickets to our futures - i urge you to assure yourself of a spiritual diploma - a ticket to an eternity with the Lord. Listen to the words of Dorothea Barwick's poem, "Today, We Graduate":

today is the first day of the rest of our lives,
we can fill it with job; we can fill it with strife
we can follow the world and do our own thing,
or follow the Lord and reap the blessings He'll bring.
no longer a child we can make our own way,
we can choose what to do with our lives everyday.
we're dependent on God though, for the air that we breathe,
for the warmth of the sun - for the health that we need,
for protection from harm as we walk down the street,
for providing strong faith so we won't meet defeat.
He reminds us that all that we have comes from Him,
and He loved us enough to die for our sin.
He gives us a choice, now we must decide...
as we graduate, will we walk by His side?

i want to take this opportunity to challenge not only you, my classmates - the Class of 2004, but also each one of our friends, family members, and teachers here today. i challenge you to live the rest of your lives so that you can have the only true assurance there is in life. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, my friends, and He will direct your paths." may God bless each one of you as we go our separate ways.

* * * * * * * * *

i still don't know how i got away with reading those words in a public school, but i know the Lord knew what He was doing when my speech was read beforehand by several teachers and no one said a word. for now, i'm thankful i ran across these words. i needed to be reminded that He is directing my path. for those of you who are graduating, find rest and peace in that promise. so what's the big deal about all of us being jobless and having no idea what's next?? just LIVE!! have fun. enjoy life. go on random road trips. watch the sunrise. stay up late. sing karaoke. have long conversations. He's got a plan and it will be revealed to us in HIS time...not ours. if we don't know what we're doing with our lives...we don't know for a reason. trust that. so we went to school for 4(+) years...that doesn't make Him obligated to show us the next stage of life yet. that's our time-table...not His. :)

i love ya'll!! :)

"You love me anyway"

as i was sitting on a mountain the other day, the Lord brought some words back to me that i had forgotten about...they were words to a song i wrote several years ago in college & for some reason, i don't have them written down - anywhere. i know the song was complete, but for now this is all i can remember...everything but the bridge.

every time i'm brought back to these words, & every time i sing them...they seem to be true. i fall away from the Lord so quickly, so easily...i make promises to Him that He knows i'm going to break...i push Him to the side, i put Him in second place...and yet...
He loves me anyway.



"You love me anyway"

vs. 1
i've done it again
i've pushed You to the side
another broken promise
another battle with my pride
so here i am again
even though i don't deserve
You to ever listen
every cry i know You've heard

pre-chorus
so why can't i get it?
why can't it all just fall in place?
why can't i love You like i mean it?
why can't i fall upon my face...

chorus
to praise You
love You
worship You, Lord
though You don't need me
You want me
to live in Your word
i'm so unworthy
so undeserving
and yet You love me
love me, Lord
You love me anyway

vs. 2
this time it will be different
this time i'll follow through
but even if i fail You
i know you're promise will hold true
'cause i am Your child
and will forever be
so why do i question
this love You have for me?

pre-chorus
why can't i get it?
why can't it all just fall in place?
why can't i love You like i mean it?
why can't i fall upon my face...

chorus
to praise You
love You
worship You, Lord
though You don't need me
You want me
to live in Your word
i'm so unworthy
so undeserving
and yet You love me
love me, Lord
You love me anyway

license to superficiality.

so this will be a post that is rather out of the ordinary, has nothing to do with Jesus, & is simply my way of venting a little frustration. bear with me.

yesterday at work the following occurred:

my boss said to me as we were putting up valentine's stuff, "britnie, if you had a significant other, wouldn't you want something more than flowers & chocolate." i found myself thinking "um...honestly, no. crap, why do i keep having these bosses who ask me questions i really don't want to reply to honestly?? (that's a long story and another post for another day - i will, however, explain that i've had two other bosses say to me, "britnie, i have a personal question and i want you to be honest...am i difficult to work for?" (HOW do i get myself in those situations??) anyway, so all i could think about the valentine question was "no, i really wouldn't..." so i said, "i mean, not really...i'm not big on gifts. i'd rather someone spend time with me that spend their money on me." she gave me a perplexed looked and replied,

"i mean, yeah, but women like to get stuff. what's wrong with you?? you're a woman. flowers and chocolate? nah, if a man comes home with something else he's put thought into it and he gets brownie points."

it was official, i was perturbed. first of all, thank you for reminding me that i am a woman - i had briefly forgotten. was that really necessary. and second, did you seriously just insinuate that because i am a woman i have a license to be superficial and materialistic?? i, personally, enjoy spending time with people. bought gifts make me very uncomfortable - they feel forced...and i've always been frugle. when you don't have much money, you learn to appreciate what you do have and you learn ways around spending a lot. don't get me wrong, i love spending money on others, but i do not like for it to be spent on me. i love homeade gifts. call me old-fashioned. call me cheesy....but don't call me less of a woman. seriously?

let me say one another thing, i think valentine's day is nice and all...tell the people you love that you do love them. but why go over the top one day a year to express something you should be expressing everyday? and why spend this big chunk of money to get brownie points...i can guarantee if you put a little thought and effort into something homeade, you'll touch the people you love...and you might even make them cry...talk about brownie points ;)

seriously though, i hope ya'll all have a wonderful valentine's day. remember, you are loved!! & for all you women out there, especially you single women, remember there is someone who loves you beyond measure and thinks you are beautiful! cling to psalm 45:11 - "the King is ENTHRALLED with your beauty. honor Him for He is your Lord."

2008

looking back on 2008, i remember so many things i am blessed with and thankful for!!! it was a good year :)

- my baptism - oct. 4, 2008
- quite possibly my favorite summer at camp la vida - getting to live & work one-on-one with 115+ girls in CABIN 1 :)
- graduating from NGU
- new spiritually encouraging, Christ-centered friendships
- a great work environment
- tuesday night game nights @ ngu
- a break from school work - taking only 6 hours rather than 19 or 22
- random road trips (texas, wake forest, the beach, etc.)
- jonathan owen's birth
- sandie & david are pregnant with a little girl! :)
- writing music
- taking lots of pictures
- attending newspring on sunday nights
- LOTS of one-on-one conversations with great friends
- letting go of unhealthy relationships
- truly listening to the Lord
- FAUX!!!
- skiing with the family in nc

...& so much more!! thank the Lord for an AWESOME year!! :)