conversation over coffee? how about internet chess.

the most amazing thing just happened & even though it's 2:45am and i have to get up early...i have to share. why? two reasons: 1) it was a definite God-thing & 2) i need your prayers now!!

so while i've been at home i've gotten into the habit of playing online chess. ok go ahead and make fun of me...get it out of your system. that's ok...i know i'm a nerd and i am completely ok with that! haha...anyway, if you've ever played any online games (be it spades, hearts, etc) you know that you can chat with your opponents. i'm usually not big on the chatting...i'm here to play the game and i really feel a bit strange talking to complete strangers - and the questions always arise: "where are you from?", "how old are you?", "what is your name?". anyway...over the last week, however, i have felt a "burden" (for lack of a better word) to ask the people i'm playing with if they know Jesus or how they feel about Jesus. i don't really like flat out saying to people "are you a Christian" - i think that typically turns them away if they do not believe and it leaves me knowing very little about what it is they do believe. i don't want to make assumptions.



so tonight was the 2nd time i've followed through with those gut feelings to bring up the conversation. both times have gone surprisingly well. the first time i simply asked "how do you feel about Jesus" and the response was "I LOVE JESUS". i proceeded to learn that my chess partner of the day was raised in a catholic home but was not much for denomination. he gave me his email address and suggested we keep in contact. i'll be honest and say i was skeptical. tonight, however, was...well...wow. throughout the game i learned that my partner was an 18 year old male in india. it was completely cool that i had been there and could talk, somewhat intelligently, about the area with him. it gave us common ground. i had no intentions tonight of bringing up the Jesus question, but when i found out he was from india, my interest peaked.

i may write more about this later, but for now i have to sleep. i'll leave you with the highlights:
- i talked for over an hour w/ himanshu.
- i downloaded yahoo messenger so that we could talk more about our beliefs
- his mother is hindu & his father muslim; however, they left him with the freedom to choose his own belief
- problem: indian government
- he believes in "humanity" - all religions are ok. when i asked if he meant that he was tolerant of all religions he replied: "if you go with them (other religions), and they (politicians) see this, they will kill you"
- we agreed to exchange email addresses and will be emailing one another in the next few days our "testimonies" so to speak
- then i'll ask questions and he'll do the same
- i found myself on the floor praying nearly in tears while he went to the bathroom that the Lord would pour out His Spirit on him and me as well b/c i do not feel equipped for these kinds of conversations. he was asking very hard questions. indians are VERY educated not only in their own beliefs but in others as well...and it's quite intimidating
- he wanted to know my birthday b/c he wanted to know my sunsign (zodiac sign)...why? he said he felt as if he knew me. i asked if he believed in reincarnation. he replied that he did not know but that many indians did...that led to a whole different conversation
- he is very curious & very friendly - much like my friends i met while i was in india. i miss them. he sent pictures. meet himanshu and his sister shagun.

please pray that the Lord would pour His spirit upon himanshu...& if you don't mind, pray for me too...i'm in definite need of both wisdom and guidance. thanks.

theme parks, stupid economy, & a great sermon.

my last post was supposed to be a 2-fer...two in one day; however, i never got around to the second one. my bad. so here's to a really random post!

today was interesting. i'm very bored at home with no school & camp still about a month away, but i'm not complaining. i'm catching up on sleep and finally going through years & years of collected clothing. since i hadn't left the house in, oh at least 2 days i spent an extremely long night at church - why not? i ate dinner, went to a beth moore Bible study with my mom, and then did the unthinkable. i went and sang with the choir. yes, that's what i said. i love music. why not? why haven't i done that before? i don't know. something about that makes me laugh - nevertheless, it was actually quite enjoyable. old ladies actually have hilarious conversations. you should sit on the back row sometime. seriously.

i've been wanting to ride some coasters for about 3 years...it's been far too long. tonight i randomly mentioned it to a friend...& my wish has come true. i'm pretty pumped about going to carowinds july 19 (if all works out). wanna go?

i've watched much too much television in the last week that i've been home. not having a tv in my room at school this past semester completely changed my point of view on television. i've been watching lost, the bachelor (yes, i know - trashy - so shoot me), and a few other shows that are online from my laptop but other than that, i've been out of the tv loop for 3 months or so. now i just get really annoyed when i turn it on...especially since i'm at home w/ the parents. it's quite embarrassing. as my mom said the other day "nothing's sacred anymore" - she was referring to a commercial about a certain disorder. seriously?! tv is trash...and i'm not one to get on those kicks. that being said, i found myself "watching" some news show or something along those lines. found out that it costs 1.3 cents to make every penny & 5.6-5.7 cents to make every nickel. that alone is costing Americans millions of dollars every year. i don't understand much about the economy - but i know that's DUMB. haha...

now to what i meant to post the other day. sunday was amazing. i had planned on going to newspring church but it just didn't work out. it was a definite God-thing though...my dad preached my 2nd favorite sermon i've ever heard him preach...my favorite was when he didn't say a word. it was silent. nothing against him at all - but something about silence is powerful...maybe it's because we finally can hear what the Lord's telling us instead of everyone else. sunday, however, was the second week in a series called "5 lies that ruin relationships". each week he goes through a lie. here's what stuck out to me.

-Lie #2: "if other people would shape up my life would work out, my life would be better, i'd be happier in life, everyone would know how good i am...no, how great i am, and how important i am to them!" (just let that sink in for a second...i know i had to)

yeah, i've believed that lie. actually, i find myself believing that lie a lot. i've lost a few friends along the way too. coincidence? i don't know, but i do know i took a lot away from sunday. i definitely have to stop focusing on the flaws of others and start the process of getting the big plank out of my own eye. actually, i can't even do that...i've just got to pray that the Lord will loosen the plank first.

-Lie #2 typically revolves around slander. basically, if i believe everybody else needs to get right, i'm probably going to talk about them. putting them down for whatever reason seems to make the person doing the putting down feel better about themselves. that's twisted, huh.

-WORDS. few things have more power to ruin relationships than critical, defaming, & slanderous words. slander happens anytime the resuls of our communication about someone (whether TRUTHFUL OR NOT) bring him/her down in the eyes of another. lots of verses my dad pointed out stood out, but the one that was without a doubt most gut-wrenching was this: "if anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself & his religion is WORTHLESS." (james 1:27...one of my favorite verses is the next one too by the way but you'll have to look it up to know :) )

-so what's the solution to the battle? idk. that seems to be a good answer. my personal conclusion is that the heart of the problem is a problem of the heart. pretty much, i need to focus on ME...not in a self-righteous, egotistical manner. but in a humble, God-You've-gotta-help-me-be-the-woman-You've-created-me-to be kind of way. "for out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks" (matt. 12:34) i gotta get MY heart right before i can get the "fire" & "evil" (my tongue - james 3:6) under control. it's time to stop being the judge and remember that i, too, will one day stand before the One & only Judge. it's kind of like a previous post...we're all in this together. we're all in the same boat. ok, so maybe we're all in A boat...but we're all in boats. bear with me, i like the boat analogy. maybe the boats represent our weaknesses. so my boat may be pride and/or slander (among other things) and there are other people in my boat too. BUT...there are other boats out there i'm not in...there are certain "sins" that i simply do not, by the grace of God only, struggle with. doesn't matter though. we all struggle w/ sin - we're all in a boat! and we're all searching for something to fix us. what's the fix? i'm pretty sure peter had it. his boat was doubt. (i'm in that boat too...i'm in a lot of boats). we've just got to stop focusing on where everyone else is...what boat they're in - what sin they're stuck in and controlled by and focus on the Savior...He's the only one who's going to help us stand. He's the only one who can loosen the planks.

oh, & i've been overwhelmed by how many of my good friends & their families need prayer right now. i try my hardest to remember them all & lift them up. it's been both a blessing & a lesson to be able to do that. it reminds me of the right times to focus on others...lifting them up rather than tearing them down.

it's been a long one, but thanks for taking the time to read about what's on my heart. :)

so i worshipped to rascal flatts: an ongoing, broken-up series.

ok, so today will be a 2-fer. (2-in-one-day) there are several things i want to write about & idk that i can wait til tomorrow to share them both!

this post marks the beginning of what i'm going to entitle
"so i worshipped to ______: an ongoing, broken-up series". today's artist of choice is rascal flatts. the idea here is that there are so many secular songs that are screaming with Biblical truth & that i am able to worship to...& i thought it would be interesting to share the ones that stick out to me with you. feel free to comment about songs that stick out to you - i'd LOVE to hear it! so let me explain this one:


on the way home this morning, i cranked up the music in the car. an old rascal flatts cd has blared in my Escape (i've always loved that - that my car is called an escape...since it many times is just that - an escape) for a little over a week now. i think this is the 2nd time i've made mention of blaring R.F. recently. nevertheless, i thought to myself, i'm in one of those "i really wanna sing to Jesus right now" moods...but as i reached out to hit the "radio" button, the song "You" came on. now don't get me wrong - these songs aren't based on perfect theology...but what is?? and who am i to even begin to know what perfect theology is? the point is, i thought it was really interesting that i found myself with hands raised in the car as i sang along to rascal flatts...& it wasn't the first time it's happened. here are the 2 songs that have spoken to me recently.


"You" - R.F.

[Chorus]

every road that i've been down
the only Truth that i have found
there's only one thing i can't live without
You


i was searching for something i thought i would never find
losing my mind
in and out of bad love i thought i was born to lose
then came You
i thought i knew what the real thing was
but nothing shakes me like Your Love does
i've been hypnotized
now i realize


Chorus


every time I get lost
in a temperamental mood
You still stay cool
just when I think that this life's about to drive me insane
You take the reins (ok so He has them all along, but i finally acknowledged He's in control)
every time i feel i'm drifting off course
You're my compass, You're my One true north
in a mixed up world
You make sense to me (girl)....(ok, i'll explain my thoughts on this in a second)


"Shine On" - R.F.

i was lost in darkness and sinking sand
well i was barely nothing, a broken man
but you picked up the pieces of my heart in Your hand
then You came and showed to me
Love's second chance


[Chorus]

shine on, shine on, shine on me
whenever something's missing
You're exactly what I need
Your love has shown me the Light
and now i finally see
so shine on, shine on, shine on me, yeah


Lord knows that i'm not perfect but i sure do try
and i see the man that i can be in Your eyes (jeremiah 29:11)
well there are times i still get lost in yesterday (thoughts of my past)
but You put the past behind me and You light my way


Chorus


Ok. so, i changed some capitalization and bold-ened certain lines to point out what really spoke to me...but then i realized i nearly highlighted the two songs in their entirety. i got to thinking - trying to figure out how it was that secular songs could have such powerful messages about Christ. i came to 2 conclusion:


1- "the Love of God is greater far than time or pen can ever tell"...quite simply, His love is all around us. we are all created by His hand and are all formed from the same dust of the Earth. whether we choose to admit He is among us or whether we choose to deny His presence, it is there. the love of the Father is undeniably present in and around everyone...and it's evident through our longings & desires - which brings me to conclusion numero dos.


2 - to the best of my knowledge, R.F. songs are written about earthly relationships. their lyrics describe relationships gone bad, mountain-top relationships, desires for relationships...you get the point. why is it, then, that they can so easily be compared to our relationship with the Lord? i think it all boils down to the fact that husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church. we all have the same longings and desires - to be loved. when we follow the example set by Christ, those feelings could very well be similar. how beautiful is that?

i could go on & on but i'll leave it open for you to think and come up with your own conclusions...i just thought it was interesting!

what boat, seriously?

so for all 2 of you who read this, the india posts are gone...i'll add ones i feel are significant later. for now, i'm too OCD to have the first ones on here and not the rest. that being said, today one of the most random things happened at the palmetto...and by palmetto, i mean the gas station.

on my way home from school - YES IT'S SUMMER!! - i stopped to get gas and at the pump across from me stood an old, hacking man. we'll call him george. he looked like a george. now i love old people, don't get me wrong...but the hacking is a bit of a turn off. i'm just being honest. every time george hacked, i'd cringe. i know, i'm terrible...but don't worry: God put me in my place.

being the OCD individual that i am, i decided to wash the windows of my car while i waited on the gas to pump...the pollen on the windshield bothers me...badly. george interrupted me to say, "so whatchu thinkin about these here gas prices?"

the conversation continued as follows:
me: haha, they're pretty insane
george: yeah i can remember when it was 17 cents
me: yeah, it's pretty crazy
(awkward silence. i reached up to finish washing my back windshield when george interrupted again)
george: you're a good lookin' lady...you goin to college?
me: haha (an awkward, what do i say haha mind you) i'm comin home!!
george: i admire you...(let me interrupt you here to say, ok...this was a strange conversation. at this point, i'm thinking...george admires me for going to college? that was my best guess and then he continued)...i talk to a lot of girls around here (i tried to get past how strange that seemed to me at first and kept listening) and they just act like they don't want to talk to me. and i just think i'm another human just like you.
me: (realizing my stupidity...i smiled...finally genuinely) yeah, i guess we're all in the same boat
george: haha
me: you have a good afternoon
george: nice talkin to ya

i got back in the car, turned back up the rascal flatts and was on my way with half a back windshield clean...never to see george again. did i seriously comment back to his soul-bearing statement with "we're all in the same boat"...idk if he understood what i was trying to say but i meant it with good intentions. i found myself really irritated with people my age i don't even know. why are people so rude? but then i was put in my place when i realized, i too probably would have been rude had he not said what he did.

yes, we're all in the same boat. i say that a lot - meaning, we're all human, we all mess up, we all hurt, & we're all yearning for something more. but what boat??? and why do i say that? maybe we just all need to jump out. peter did.

lovin' the remix.

it's been too long.
i say that like i'm talking to an old friend i've just reunited with after several months, years, what-have-you...(i'm such an old person - who says "what-have-you"?). nevertheless (that's for you ms. king) it's definitely been too long since i last plastered my thoughts for all to read...& by all, i mean the 3 of you who read this. haha, i'm pretty sure that out of the 21 visits i've had to my page, i alone account for 18. oh well, regardless of who may or may not stumble across the page, i write for me; i'm pretty sure there's something therapeutic about blogging. anyway, where was i going with this???

oh yeah. lovin' the remix.
this past summer, on one of our weekend trips to columbia when the staff all carpool off "campus" for a little us-time (you know, sonic &/or starbucks...speaking of therapeutic tools!), i bought my first remix, and by remix i mean the Message//remix. if you're not familiar with it, it's the Bible in modern-day language. i was SO excited to get it that i began reading in the car on the trip back to camp. it was small, red-leather, & only $15! it didn't take but about fifteen miles until i realized it was only the new testament. figures. in all my excitement, somehow i failed to notice HALF the thing was missing. nevertheless, i kept it. i was still excited. throughout the summer i carried it with me - so happy to have one i could put in my bookbag and not worry about messing up. it wasn't long before it began. twice it happened. to put it bluntly, some people don't like the Message. one of the missionaries walked into the office and said, "you know that's not a real Bible, right". i mean, how do you respond to something like that. i smiled and made some polite response insignificant enough to forget. the summer was, well, spiritually-challenging. that's ok though.

i put my Bible, yes Bible aside and just never got into it quite the same again...(and i never could find a small Message with both the new & old testaments). that is, until this semester. i found it stashed away in the console of my car in between the driver & passenger's seats. so i started carrying my little red One with me in my bookbag again. even took it home with me for Spring Break...and even to church. everywhere i took it though, i just hoped that whoever spoke would speak from the new testament. i faired pretty well. chapel speakers spoke from James-my dad from matthew. (useless detail? several friends have pointed out that my stories are exorbitantly long with excessive amounts of unnecessary detail. i turn 30 explanations into 25 minute stories. i guess i'm proving that now.)

today i found One. despite my energies to save every penny i make this semester, i couldn't help but to buy the compact dual-testament Message! (doesn't take much to excite me). anyway, i've been a little down lately & so i turned immediately to 1 Corinthians to read about Love. i hadn't gotten so far as the introduction & first 10 verses when i put the good Book down to write this. the Message is simply amazing. Refreshing. Plain. Simple. Down to earth. but with the same Profound Words. i needed that.

i couldn't help but think to myself, "THIS is the kind of thing it's going to take to reach kids these days". we've GOT to get on their level. i could get on a soapbox about how we're never going to reach this generation for the Lord until we get out heads out of the sand & try new things, but i won't. don't want to make my crazy long stories any longer. i will say this though: things like praise & worship bands & the Remix have grown some pretty passionate young people.

i told my mom about the lady who told me the Message wasn't a Bible. her response: "people used to say the same thing about the New Living translation when i was young & that was the new thing". huh, my grandmommy reads her New Living Bible everyday. i couldn't help but think to myself, "i bet that lady will be reading the Message when she's 75." haha...

i hope & pray no one takes offense to this blog for i, by no means, meant to step on any toes. everyone is entitled to his/her opinion. mine, however, stands as is: i'm lovin' the remix.


oh, & i love praise & worship bands, too.

His relentless stance

so today i took at 2 1/2 hour nap & it was, quite possibly, the highlight of my week. i take that back...there were actually a LOT of highlights.
- i got to go skiing (okay, the end of last week...but it counts) w/ my best friend & some of my amazing family. just so you know - skiing, my family, & my friends are definitely all at the top of my 'favorites' list
- i got to spend the remainder of the weekend w/ my best friend & didn't have to work AT ALL
- i had an amazing birthday even though i was in class from 9:25am-9pm (ok, so i got out a little early) & spent every break i had in the library studying for a biological psychology exam for my 6pm class. just a side note to say: it was incredibly difficult...take your hardest bio. class + your hardest pscy. class, add them together and you get = exactly what it sounds like. & THEN i had to go back & start the process all over again, studying for my psychopharmacology exam the next night. it was even harder. nevertheless, i was surprised at midnight on feb. 12 by some amazing friends & continued to be surprised all day w/ messages, notes, phone calls, mail, etc. :) thanks everybody! i don't deserve people like you in my life!
- i've made some really (pardon my usage of the following word) cool new friends these past 2 weeks or so...staying on campus every weekend isn't such a bummer after all. we make our own fun...& it sure beats being on the road all the time
- i've learned to let go of friendships that bring me down emotionally. it still hurts, but i've smiled a lot more lately...& it wasn't a fake, "i'm smiling b/c i don't want you to ask me what's wrong" kind of smile - and THAT says a lot. i still get frustrated, but the good definitely outweighs the bad.
- someone i love was in a wreck...and God completely wrapped His arms around her, & the situation in general, all day. everyone's ok & brett gets a new car. haha...

& on and on i could go. anyway none of that has anything to do with why i started this post. what i meant to get at was that because of my nap i'm now wide awake at 3am. so what does a 21st century young adult do in the middle of the night...clean out the email account, of course. i ran across some emails from the past year that were from some close friends. well, we're not close anymore...i don't even know that we're friends by some definitions. it really saddens me, but God's in control. like i said, i find myself getting frustrated - a LOT...why don't they seem to care? how could they just walk away? why don't people believe me when i've been there for them all along? i'll stop there...you get the picture. anyway, one thing a certain someone said to me was this:
"Remember, He (God) has one relentless stance towards us: He loves us. That is amazing."
how true is that? & how often do i forget that? idk, i was just reminded tonight that earthly relationships rarely ever last - & that scares me more than most anything - yet His love, His opinion of us never changes. He never walks away.

& that's the reason for my smile.

one other thing...i also found this - it was written a little differently, but i've edited it some. i think it's a beautiful depiction of a true relationship with the Lord...if we're honest.

"You are real. You are faithful. I just have to believe. I'm scared, and I'm frustrated, and I don't know what to do. But I know that somewhere along the way, I never really found You. You found me. It doesn't make sense. You don't make sense. You're there, I don't deserve it, I don't understand it. But You are still there. Regardless the fact that I told You You weren't real, You're still there. You're still around.

I am in need of Your love. I have to learn how to accept it. I don't know how, I don't know why. But You do love me. It doesn't make any sense. I hate that it doesn't make any sense.

There is power in prayer. A lot of power. I decided to maybe not accept God's love, but learn how to. I don't know what's there, or even why You're there, but I do know I need You. I need that peace in my life. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm sorry that I am so all over the board. I am really working on this whole truth thing. I'm working on it, and it's hard, but there is better. I know there's better, I believe there's better.

So, I say all of that to say, I believe in prayer. I believe in You. I believe that You found me, I believe that You are there. I know I don't deserve You. I know that I can do nothing without You. I've tried, and look where I am. I know that You are there. I believe. I have faith. I trust that. I know I can't do this on my own. I know that without reason, You do love me. I am Your child. It doesn't make sense, but I'm learning that's ok. It doesn't have to make sense. For so long, I have put up this wall, I have built up this barricade, this fortress, that nobody can break through. I was so afraid to let people in. I still am. But I'm trying. I am terrified to let You see me vulnerable, and bare. Without the walls, without the protection, and without escape. I don't know if I can do it. I'm scared. I did this to protect my heart. To protect myself from being hurt, and in the process I shut out everybody, and everything, and I hurt them. I am so sorry. There are not enough ways to say it. I don't really know how to put it into words. But i realize now that You've already seen me vulnerable, broken, & bare without my walls, without protection, and without escape. More importantly, I realize I don't need to try to protect my heart - You are my heart.
You need to know that I will push. I will. I don't even want to because I need You and I know I need You. So I don't want You to be out of my life, but I'm just scared. So, I'm going to push. I will. I am trying not to, and I am trying to let You in. I do trust You. I'm just having to learn how to. I don't really know how to do it, I'm just trying. I am sorry for pushing You away, it's just my defense. It's just another wall. Another barricade and another fortress. It's how I escape. I put up walls. I hide, and I will try to hurt You before You can hurt me kind of thing. But I know You bore all the hurt so I wouldn't have to feel that pain. I'm not even sure if I should say all of this, but I need to say it. You know it already.

Basically, I don't deserve Your amazing Grace, but for some reason, You give it. You are there. I do want to do Your will. I do want to be emptied of me. I do want to tell others. I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. I feel so broken and ridiculous, but I know You're there. I know You give grace, and I want to accept it. I believe it.
& that is the Truth."

talk about a "sinner's prayer"...i'll say amen to that.

that face.

december 20, 2005 - january 7, 2006 was a life-changing experience. i learned a great deal in the short time i was able to spend in the northern, Himalayan mountains of india. my eyes were opened to the existence of absolute poverty & the true slavery & false hope that come from idol worship. among many other things, i met some very real people who impacted my life beyond words...young people unashamedly standing up for their faith in the face of imminent danger & persecution.

it's nearly impossible to forget people like that...people that touch you to the core of your very being & teach you more about life & love without ever saying a word. you can see it in their eyes. i think it's safe to say we've all met at least one person like that. & if you haven't, i pray that you do...

standing in a cramped, 2nd floor music shop no bigger than a dorm room in a small town in india, i noticed a little boy outside no more than 3 or 4 years old, sprawled out onto the dirty steps scrounging to pick up the few tarnished coins that had been dropped...a mangy, malnourished dog sniffing at his barefoot heels. where was his mother? i turned back around, unable to stand the thought that he was all alone. while i tried to attend to the business we'd entered to store to attend to i couldn't help but turn back around every few minutes to see that he was ok...the last time i turned around...there he stood, coins in hand, his brown eyes staring back at me as if to say, "love me". it was in that moment that my heart shattered. i was able to discretely snap his picture with the camera that was already in my hand, flash off, without his noticing...for the whole time his eyes never left mine. i will never forget that face. soon thereafter, sitting on the steps of the compound, guitar in hand staring out into the street, the words to the beginning of this song poured out...

"love me"

*verse 1
a little face looks up at me

with tears in his eyes & no shoes on his feet

no mother in sight he stands all alone

too young to be without a home

his little heart's breaking day after day

& if he could speak i know he'd say

*chorus

love me

why don't you care that i'm here?

so the song is still a work in progress...the second verse is about a girl who feels abandoned, alone...had a hard life and doesn't understand why. she, too, says "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"

the last verse, even though it's not fully written, gives me chills. this time the words speak of Jesus remembering His time on the cross...looking down on His children with a saddened heart repeating those words, "love me...why don't you care that i'm here?"

what an impact people can leave on our lives. more importantly, what an impact He can leave on yours.

bucket list

so bucket list is, by far, one of my all-time favorite movies. definitely one of those roller-coaster of emotion-filled films. according to my dad, that was the 2nd time morgan freeman left him walking out of a theater wiping his eyes...and that says a lot. the only time i've ever seen my dad cry was at the passing of his mom & dad, when my puppy "bear" got run over, and a few times when speaking from the pulpit about our amazing Savior. so i mean it when i say, you should definitely check it out.

for those of you who don't know about the movie, the story revolves around two old men who are both nearing the end of their life. and so, they make a list of all the things they want to do before they "kick the bucket" - hence the title. just a few thoughts about some of the lines that stuck out to me...

Carter Chambers: You measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you.

wow. i've often wondered if, when we leave this world & stand before the Lord, He'll reveal to us all of the people we've had an influence on throughout our lifetime. not that this world is about what we can do or who we are, but i've realized there are so many people who have influenced my spiritual life without ever knowing. i guess part of me simply holds on to the hope that one day they'll know how they impacted my life.
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Carter Chambers: Even now I cannot understand the measure of a life, but I can tell you this. I know that when he died, his eyes were closed and his heart was open. And I'm pretty sure he was happy with his final resting place, because he was buried on the mountain. And that was against the law.

this line cracks me up. the first half is so serious & so profound...& then there's the last line which speaks for itself. haha, but seriously...i only hope that when i leave this world people are able to say that about me: "her eyes were closed and her heart was open."
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Edward Cole: I envy people who have faith, I just can't get my head around it.
Carter Chambers: Maybe because your head's in the way.

i'm pretty sure we (and by "we" i'm referring to my Christian family) all, at one point or another, have allowed our big heads to get in the way of our faith. theology really has the capability to ruin the beauty of His story...
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like i said, great movie. and just for kicks, i've started an ongoing bucket list of my own...:)

- spend some time in an orphanage
- write a book
- jump out of a plane (i've always wanted to, but after seeing the movie that desire was amplified even more!!!)
- witness a live birth (gross? i call it beautiful. i begged my sister to let me come in but she had a c-section...& i guess, if i'm lucky enough to check this off of my list, i'll have witnessed a miracle too!)
- record a CD (i have a really rough one w/ a couple of songs a friend & i made but we were just playing around :) )
- publish a piano book with my music
- get married & have a child...or 5
- go to hawaii
- go skiing in the colorado mountains
- bring my friends from india to america, even if just for the experience
- parasail
- witness a miracle (cliche? don't care, my list. :) )
- make a difference
- wear scrubs & walk around in a hospital w/ a stethascope around my neck. haha
(the booties, mouth/nose cover, & "hat" too but hey, i'd settle for just the first 2)
- run in a marathon...& not die.
- face my childohod fear & ride the "tower of terror" at disney world since i cried my way off of it the 1st time (back off, i was like 10)
- learn to snowboard AND surf

that's the extent of it for now...:) but even if i never get to do those things, i've experienced more than my share of blessings. i don't count myself lucky...just Loved beyond any understanding. and THAT, doesn't even begin to compare with anything else.

waiting.

so, i've decided that one of, if not the, hardest things in life is waiting.

- driving down the interstate just WAITING for the next exit because you drank way too much sweet tea & you're regretting it more & more with every mile marker you pass

- sitting in the car, engine off, periodically glancing in your rearview mirror WAITING for what seems like an hour just hoping that when the cop returns to your window he won't have that dreaded blue piece of paper in his hand that you can't afford to pay for

- sitting in the dr.'s office (after you've already been there an hour) in nothing but a paper sheet & socks (if you're lucky) while you hear people walking outside back & forth in front of your door and the dr. talking loudly to the sweet (but very old) lady in the next room just WAITING for him to come in & write your prescription

- sitting by the phone WAITING on that call back about one of the several thousand jobs it seems you've applied for because you're in desperate need of some $$...& then WAITING for that first paycheck which, inevitably, seems to be late...or wrong

- pacing back & forth at the hospital during the emergency surgery, the x-rays, the labor, or the tests just WAITING to hear that your loved one is ok

- lying in bed at night while your mind races and you begin to question any & everything stable and unstable in your life because you had too much coffee, the sheep are long gone & you're just WAITING until that moment when you finally fall asleep


you get the picture.

sometimes i wonder why we wish our lives away...constantly in a hurry up & wait mindset. can't wait to turn 13. can't wait to go to high school. can't wait to get our permit. can't wait to get our license. can't wait to go to the prom. can't wait to graduate. can't wait for college. can't wait to get out. can't wait to meet the one we're going to spend the rest of our lives with. can't wait to start our career. can't wait to get married. can't wait to have kids. can't wait to retire. can't wait to have grandkids. it's so hard to remember that this world is only temporary and isn't, or rather shouldn't, be what we're living for. it's so cliche to say "we're not promised another day" so i won't, but i will say that i have to remind myself that we're not promised any of the things society deems 'normal'. for example, not everyone gets married - has 2 kids, a house, & a dog. i never fully understood how paul could say that it was better to be single. but i think i've experienced just a taste of what he meant. it's too distracting - we lose focus. we forget that God blessed us with those friendships & relationships for a reason other than simply our selfish gain. we, ok - I get so caught up in what i'm trying to persue (friendships, relationships, schoolwork, degrees, jobs, etc.) that i leave no time for the only thing that really matters and in the end, although successful in the eyes of the world, am left feeling completely miserable, empty, & lost...WAITING for something to come along and make me "feel" better. somewhere along the lines, i fell into the trap - again - of believing in what i feel more than what i know & that never seems to go well.

so i want to be able to look back and really say i lived one day at a time. made the most of everyday i was alive...

WAITING ONLY for the day that i meet my Savior face-to-face.

i'll have to work on that.

come a long way.

wow.
so this domino effect thing happened. from what i can tell, here's what happened (i won't use names).
this guy made a blog.
his girlfriend then proceeded to make one as well.
the girlfriend's roommate fell into the loop & created one about gumballs & peanut butter.
a friend of the girlfriend's roommate decided she, too, desired to be in the "in" crowd & thought she'd blog as well.
HOWEVER, she stumbled across something she had long forgotten.

so i'm the friend of the girlfriend's roommate & apparently i had a blog long forgotten, but still in existence. needless to say, i've gotten a lot of amusement in reading the extremely boring posts. but it's pretty amazing to look back at everything God has done in my life since may'05. i'll update the page sometime soon, but for now i think it's pretty cool to leave things as they are...no, i'm not 19. no, i'm not at usc. & no, i'm not a music ed. major. like i said, i'll get to it.

i dont' know that anyone will ever read this other than me, but i'm ok with that. i've never been good at keeping up with a journal or blog - obviously...but finding this has really made me want to continue to try even if i only post every 2 or 3 years! a lot has happened since may '05...here are some updates (in reference to the previous posts...referred to in reverse chronological order - meaning, starting from the bottom up)

-the concert @ the horseshoe went well...and if i remember correctly, the weather was great.
-that was, in fact, my last semester ever with 5-day-a-week 8 am classes. praise the Lord. seriously. & i still have a crazy need for sleep.
-don't think i went to bcm's gender wars, but i do remember late night carolina which was pretty fun. one of my fondest memories from usc actually.
-we threw out the carpet. don't remember when though.
-i still have an incredible problem w/ procrastination - especially where packing is concerned. it took me a complete year to unpack after india. yes, i just finished this past december.
-i never finished left behind. i actually don't think i ever got past p. 21. guess i spoke too soon - no surprise. i do, however, enjoy reading now though. never would have thought that!
-my sister & her husband (the one i said had a daughter in the may 7th post now has TWO & my other sister got married. :)
-i still get burnt & itchy in the tanning bed. tmi?
-i DID, in fact, have my wisdom teeth taken out that summer and it has proven to be one of the worst experiences ever. the surgeon damaged some nerves and after many trials (steroids, steroid shots in the mouth, prescriptions, etc.) over the next year i stopped going to see the surgeon. he didn't know what he was doing and didn't want to get sued. the damage is permanent and three years later, i still can't feel half of my tongue. i know, weird - believe me, you don't have to tell me. i now am petrified of the dentist b/c it's too painful. does THAT make sense? no, not at all. i've learned to live with it.
-living in seneca still, well, stinks but it's another thing i've learned to live with.
- camp that summer was absolutely AMAZING & changed my life in SO many ways. that's another post for another day though. it was so amazing that i returned in '06 & '07. i may return this summer too, but it's a decision i'm praying about. i'll definitely be doing some kind of summer camp missions this summer though.
-i did write a few more guitar songs, but "meet me here" is still one of my favorites. another favorite is one i started while in india - inspired by a little boy who stumbled in a music shop one day where i was...again, that's another post. i wrote a handful of piano songs since then too. music is one of the few things i'm utterly passionate about. if i share that with you, don't take it lightly. that means something.
-i did have the phone interview for the RA position at usc. obviously, i didn't get it - i didn't ever go back! :)

so i think i addressed everything that needed to be addressed. like i said, God has done so many things since the summer of 2005. i have no idea where to begin in unraveling the story of my life since the last post. wow.

one thing hasn't changed: i'm still living one day at a time...

more later, a girl's gotta sleep! :)